be healthy

I have spent the pass three weeks in and out of the hospital which has totally meant that a lot of my work that I have put in went a little to pot. This gets frustrating as I get into my eating and workout routines and it gets stuffed when I am in pain for days on end and I have to slow down or sometimes stop because the pain is so intense. However, today I am just pissed off, angry as this bloody disease robbed me of so much, my whole life got stunted, and although I have re-arranged a lot of things and in a way I can see the good in the horror of this disease it just continually throws up more crap just when I think I got this thing beat or at least that I have made friends with it; so due to all the chemo treatment I had I have already been left with having to use a prescriptive shampoo because I can’t use anything else because my hair/scalp has changed. My skin has altered and I can only use pure products with no perfume, sometimes I just want to be able to lather myself in some glorious body butter that all my friends are raving about. Then I developed a number of allergies: moulds, birch trees, all grasses and dogs, which put rest to my getting a dog and now they reckon I could be dairy and wheat intolerant, I am just sick of this shit and today I just feel pissed off. Feels like a constant battle to achieve a goal that just continually throws up more mud than water.

Feel so healthy right now. My skin is glowing. My hair is really growing, never mind it is different, it is growing back which is just wonderful! I seem to have more energy and despite the odd bad day and swellings i feel mentally and physically better. The work has been worth it and although I still actually miss Coca-Cola and my growing addiction to candy I am way better for cutting them out my diet, not sure if not being on steriods have helped but it has been so long since i have felt this well that i am also a little afraid to celebrate it incase it all comes back, but for now i will settle for being pleased and the docs are pleased also.

I am fighting serious exhaustion and the general feeling of unwellness. I am happy though, as I am now free of Prednisolone. I hated those pills, I have spent 8 years of my life on those things at a very high dose. It has taken a year to lower me off them. I watched these things alter my body and I truly had to work so hard to make peace with what I saw.

Now I am free, having to deal with my body going a little crazy because it has to learn to make steriods all on its own but they,(the doctors)assure me it will settle. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep my energy levels up as the sleeping and feeling sluggish all the time thing is beginning to work my nerve.

has a way of side tracking everything, so I have not been working very hard on my goals. This one is particular is important and I just let it slide. However, I have managed in the last eight days to drink the required 8 glasses of water, walked everyday, yoga everyday, I especially like using the Shiva Rae tapes when I can’t get to a class and only started meditating again 3 days ago.

My body is thankful but I think it is my mind that is most grateful. These simply things give my mind something to focus on and my spirit feels less ‘hyper’; it is the simple everyday things that make life so sweet. So despite the weight gain (there were a lot of wakes to attend) I am most proud of the fact that I am not sitting here beating myself up, made me realise that I need to always seek the positive in the negative.

I am walking. I have started trying to drink most of my liquid before late noon and I have stopped drinking anything carbonated which is hard, as I still have the metalic tast in my mouth and drinking water taste like lickiing a damp stone, but that is the price of chemo but that state of play will be over soon. Feeling happy at these tiny steps to get back on track.

It has been an extremely long time since i have written. It feels like the first day I joined, a little nervous. My health hit a brick wall and then slid right down to the bottom. It has taken me all this time to pull myself together but I have learnt not to be so hard on myself, that it comes in cycles. I have done a course at a pain clinic that has helped me to manage my life, which has been a plus. I am in a good place now, and healthier.

is how I’m feeling today. The numbers are up despite my best effort. Getting an injection in by back didn’t help the situation but it had to be done as the pain was getting intense. Knowing that I didn’t make it worse and that despite the pain I kept working out was the best thing for it; somehow that positive got over shadowed with looking at those numbers, receiving my prescription with my meds increased just made me feel…

Exercising every day, twice a day now, which feels good. Eating is still erratic, as food and I have never really been friends. I hadn’t realised this before but reading Dr. Phil’s Self Matters kind of helped me to see that, so working on becoming friends despite the fact that I love cooking, just not for myself, again with the lack of self care; so along with a lot of my goals this is weighted in looking after self rather than putting others first.

This has been a really odd couple of days. Health wise I feel good, things are ‘settled’. I haven’t been so good with eating, I am lucky if I eat one meal throughout the day. I realised my exhaustion was more than it seemed. Depression was slowly creeping its way back in my life. A battle, but sometimes I take my eye off the ball, allowing many other things to take control and hence I get lost in the wash. I am glad that I noticed before it got beyond my ‘control’, so although I have moments, for now focusing on small goals, being in this space and music help a lot; not worrying or beating myself up for not meeting my ‘goals’ and that for me is a huge achievement.

My life has been crazy. A death, sudden illness which has resulted in a long hospital stay, moving and two weddings. All of this has meant a lot of demands and trying to be supportive all of which have taken its toll. However, I have paced myself way better than I used to, I haven’t always stuck to my set limitations but I have got better at not working myself to exhustion. I don’t feel guilty if I have to rest during the day. Don’t beat myself up if I can’t finish a exericise class and certainly paying attention to what I put in my mouth. The CTS is still with me, the meds are still high, the numbers are not higher but stable and for me that is a good sign. My healthcare professionals wish things were better but they are happy that I am not worse and for once I am not anxious about my numbers and I am so thankful that I have got to this stage in my life.