lose weight

hello :-)
I really hope all of you are doing well. I’ve put on & lost weight about 3 times since my last entry (one and 1/2 months ago). Ridiculous… Must weigh myself on my next perceived low so I can control things a little better. Though I have a pair of trousers which won’t fit unless I weigh something in the region of 54 so they’re not a bad yardstick, either.
More importantly, Friday is World Food Day. I feel that I should do something and fasting (i.e. no food, only water) seems like a good thing to do. Provided I give whatever money I’ve saved (or an estimate thereof) to someone on the street or to an organization which aims to feed the hungry.
WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME?
Something to think about in the meantime…
http://www.fao.org/hunger/en/

CW: 54.1
GW: 52

leaving tomorrow for 4 days, going to a wedding… I was super scared to get on the scales in case I was up over 55. at least now I can go with my mind at ease and enjoy my trip.

hello :-D
bought a pair of jeans today for 0.50 EUR… I can just about get them on but there is no way I can button them! I’m currently at 54.7 so hopefully after my period which is due and if I lose 2 kgs they will fit :-)
they’re gorgeous!!

I know my parents are trying to help. but sometimes it just gets too much. what are you eating? eat more, eat less (or you won’t eat tomorrow), why are you eating an hour before dinner? and so it goes…
sometimes i just want to eat freely but i know they’ll worry if i eat too much. so i contain myself, but with a sense of anxiety. i’m also worried i’ll let loose as soon as i’m alone and no one is judging me (i know they’re not judging me, just worrying me), like i did last time i was home alone here. maybe i’ll have to ask my parents to cooperate on this?? i dont want to have to hide in order to eat. i don’t want t go back there. i want to learn to eat like a normal person when in company AND when i’m alone.

my mom thought to tell me today that I looked “normal”, as opposed to yesterday’s “thin”, in the trousers i was wearing. not that i asked. then my dad jumps in when we’re talking about it and tells me i’ve “recovered” from looking gaunt yesterday. basically they’ve told me i look fatter than yesterday. and they know i have an eating disorder. yet still find themselves surprised that i’m touchy about my weight. ok…
well, i did pig out yesterday but even i know the weight does not show that fast. and it wasn’t enough food to make a difference.
in any case, i am planning on eating as little as possible today. so far:
peach
small portion aubergines w/potatoes
mushrooms
2 small pieces cheese
banana

CW: 53.6
GW: 52
lost: 1

got back last night… was expecting a much higher number!!! i guess beer is good for you after all.
ate like a piggy today but feeling pretty good and pretty sure i won’t hit 2000 or maybe I’ll be slightly over.
my parents told me i’ve lost loads this last week and i got a lot of positive feedback from the people i hadn’t seen in a few months :-D
I want to keep going till I hit 52 max.
xxx

CW: 54.6
GW: 53 (52?)
lost: 0.5

i went into a pharmacy today and weighed myself after a veeery light breakfast, and wearing very light clothes… :-D i’m ecstatic!!
i’ll try not to weigh myself again b4 my bday so as not to spoil it in case i get a higher reading. i just want to enjoy myself <:-)

CW: 55.1
GW: 53(perhaps 52)

I’m leaving tomorrow for an 8-day holiday :-D
Thankfully my weight has restabilized at 55.1 following a 3-day pig out (including my evening of bingeing). I am relatively calm and looking forward to my time away!!
Hope you’re all doing great :-)

i’ve just binged for the 1st time in over 2 months :’(
whyyyyy???
well probably cuz it’s the 1st night i’ve spent alone in all that time. what’s wrong w/me that i can’t spend a few measly hours alone?
thankfully there wasn’t too much at home nor could i go buy anything so it wasn’t monumental, but i still managed: anchovy fillets w/breadcrubs (normal dinner). then: bread w/olive oil (1), bread w/butter (2), crackers w/butter (4), crackers w/olive oil (2). cocoa powder w/sugar & amaretti, granola w/cocoa powder, pistachios, biscuits (4? 5?).

i feel sick, full, guilty, angry, helpless, stupid, bloated, fat, sleepy, dizzy.

despite all this, I keep thinking about having more. so much for dealing… my usual conclusion is that i should give up sugar forever. i have it one day in a controlled situation & it inevitably leads me into a false sense of security, so that the next day or a few days later i have it again, yet i always end up losing control. this is too sad and i am determined to try harder.

CW: 54.9
GW: 53.0

i’m going to a party tonight & i’m petrified. as far as i know there will only be 1 person i know there. dunno what the others will be like, look like, etc. why am i so scared? scared i’ll feel fat, scared i’ll be bored, scared there will be no one to talk to. it’s absurd, i hate feeling like this which is why i’m making myself go. will be seeing my friend in a bit so thankfully bingeing doesn’t even come into the equation. i’m just glad my weight is below 55