Think about Him with serenity

F. and I had a coffee this morning. It was the fourth time we saw each other during the last five months. Each time has been very removing, each time very diferently. I’ve felt weird, I’ve felt very happy, I’ve felt deeply sad.

This time after half an hour of small talks I said “Well, I wanted to tell you stuff”. He said “Oh, serious stuff ? I would like to do so too, but I don’t dare to”.

So I told him, watching my coffe, that I had never regreted to have left him, but that, on the other hand, I had never stopped missing our friendship, and our complicity. And that I really really wanted not to loose this, now that I was beginning to regain it.

He said thank you, he said he agreed, he said I still was very pretty, he said our story had been so terribly removing. Then we talked about the old time, letting each other know how much it still was in our minds.

Then he left, saying again that all I had said was great.

Wow.

I had been waiting for this for the last three years, and we got to do it !

to F, on the phone, three times those last two weeks. I had to, for job reasons.

It was, well, cool. Nice and cool, and I guess we both felt like it had been two days, instead of two years and a half, since we had last talked. Then we exchanged a few e-mails, and agreed to say we were happy to have spoken to each other. And he said he would still like to drink something with me, if I felt it wouldn’t provoke a “relational tsunami”.

I’m feeling exactly like the door I have been trying to keep closed for two years has been opened, and I can’t help everything I had kept behind to come out. I can’t help but thinking about him.

I’m feeling lost.

It’s very weird to see how much his mere existence keeps terrifying me. I just went and had lunch very close to the place where he works, and my heart was beating with anguish at the thought that I could bump into him (and have to be “correct” since I was with my boss who knows him). When I came back I had just received an email that had also been sent to him and that made me very unconfortable, thinking he was reading the words I was reading, and he could decide to “answer to all” or something, and then I could read words he would have written, eeeck. Tonight I’m seeing a mutual friend that might pronounce his name at some point during the conversation and I know I will fear it all the way.

(He’s not always that present in my life, I’m having a series of coincidences here).

I’m still fearing the effect he can have upon me, I’m still feeling that, in front of him, I would totally melt and not be able to resist if he “tried” something. I’m still feeling very weak each time I feel him “close”, in any way.

While I haven’t been in a real interaction whith him for almost two years now.

How weird is that ?

I have been feeling really poorly for the last ten days. Sick, and tired, and a bit depressed. I thought it was because of november. I thought the night was falling much earlier this year than it used to do. I thought it was only a matter of waiting and things would get better.

I really didn’t see anything that could explain all this shit.

And then yesterday, while walking out of the shower, my back really hurt, and the pain wouldn’t leave. So I took an appointment with my ostheopathe. Here is the conversation we had :
- So, what’s happening to you ?
- Erm, nothing. I mean, I agree there must be something but I really don’t know what.
- Well, there is something indeed.
(and she started to manipulate me)
And then a voice in me shouted : “Oh course something happened, you stupid ! You saw F again !”

Oh. That was so obvious, and I so hadn’t seen it. I mean, I knew something was going wrong, I remembered having seen F again, but I just couldn’t see any link.

I’m really feeling better already. That woman is a magician.

I suddenly realised tonight what exactly is this feeling of sadness in my chest. I realised how much I’m missing him, and that what I’m missing is our friendship. I’m missing one of the best friends I had ever had. I’m missing the way we undestood each other, I’m missing the way we saw the world together, the way we laughed together, I’m missing all we liked to do together, I’m missing the fact that wathever I did, it was just right to do it with him.

I know I knew it yet, I know I wrote it yet. I know the terrible limits to the friendship I also discovered. But I’m feeling so sad tonight…

I’m so missing hearing the sound of his voice.

Off to bed.

I was attending a seminary this morning. While leaving my coat in the cloakroom, I turned back to the entrance. There was F, standing. We stared at each other, and more or less bowed at each other, with a smile that meant “Oh, hello, you’re here and I’m recognising you”.

Then I got to the room and sat, happening to do so next to one of his collegue (which also is a friend of mine). F entered the room and, with a stare at me that meant “I’m sorry, but I have to do so”, he came to said collegue to say hello. I smiled to him and it meant “That’s OK, don’t worry”, and maybe also “Well, I’m glad to see you, or at least I’m not avoiding contact”.

Then F sat three meters far from me. He didn’t watch me a single time during the meeting. I did, a few times, but I don’t know if he noticed.

End of the seminary was approaching (it lasted two hours) and I was feeling very nervous, not knowing at all how to deal with this, what to do. Would I accept if he proposed me to go and have a drink together ?

Well, I went back to the cloakroom, and after getting my coat, turned to the elevators. There was F, with his collegue, waiting into one of them for the doors to close. I faced them, in a “I’m not fleeing you” way. But he was watching his feet, though he perfectly knew where I was standing. While the door was closing, his collegue saw me, wawed his hand at me, and that was it, they were gone.

So…

1. I have had kind of a butterfly in my stomach, for one hour, which didn’t really know wether it was dead or alive. It has gone now, and I’m feeling relieved. But I know I am still sensible to him. I have to pay attention to that. I still am not indifferent.

2. I won, for two reasons. He’s the one who (says he) wants to see me again, I’m the one who keeps avoiding him. We didn’t even exchange one word, and he didn’t try to. And I’m the one who faced him, though, and he’s the one who fled.

I’m seeing Mr. Sms tonight. That’s the right thing to do.

I haven’t seen F for one and a half year, now. I have no idea about how he is, what his life looks like, if he is happy or not… Nothing. I’m regularly reminded that he exists, from common friends. It always removes me.

And then, each three or four months, he sends me an SMS, usually saying that, for some reason, he’s back to where we met, thinks about me, and would like to get news from me. I (well, usually) never answer them, but they remove me. And what infuriates me is that I always have the impression he didn’t move a single centimeter during the last year and a half. He still seems to believe I made a mistake and we could just get back together and be happy.

I don’t answer the SMS, I refuse to give any news, to establish contact. But I’m feeling ready for the day when we will meet by chance, which could happen any time. ^{And, of course, one part of me would like to meet him by chance, for I so would like to know what he lives, and also for I sometimes feel like it would allow… for something to be “solved”.}

And this morning I went and ran the 20 km of Paris. I knew he was running to, but then, 19 998 other people were. I was talking with a friend, before the race started, I raised my eyes, and… there he was, walking straight to me. Blood left my body, I thought “OK, it’s now, then”, and I faced him.

...and he walked along, without watching me. I kept watching him all the time, our eyes didn’t even meet, and I didn’t call him. I don’t know wether he saw me and ignored me, or didn’t see me at all. But I don’t think he would have walked that near if he had seen me and didn’t want to talk.

Weird it was. It was a bit like spying him, like having a glance at his life without him noticing it.

It didn’t remove me that much, and I do believe I will be more prepared if we (really, this time) meet by chance…

After almost 10 months without any real contact, is it better to

1. keep avoiding any contact, with people randomly reminding me his existence, and my mind randomly imagining how he’s doing, what he actually looks like and what I’m really feeling towards him, now ?

or

2. have a short meeting with him, like around a coffee, for 30 minutes max, and actually put this whole thing back into present reality ?

Please, Universe, could you help me with this ? ^{before thursday morning would be great}

are weird. I don’t currently like that.

We were at the restaurant in London on sunday night with Bruno and MarieStardust ^{yes we missed the Eurostar. Don’t mention it please} and started to talk about sex. Well actually, they asked me to add my contribution to the week-end conversations, at last :)

Anyway : I started to tell them about the stories we invented together, F and I, while in bed… And suddenly, against all expectations, tears came to my eyes… I really didn’t expect them, it was a surprise…

I decided to let come what had to come, and cried my eyes out, for a few minutes, into the restaurant toilets…. Then everything was OK back, except for my red eyes.

It felt like a little bubble of sadness I didn’t know about had suddenly burst… Well, I’m happy it showed itself out. Maybe it hadn’t before because I had never told anyone about this ?