love and be loved

If… at the end of a ten-people diner, a guy doesn’t seem to want, more that you do, to leave the restaurant, though it’s late yet, and you end up talking with the barman for more than one hour, both standing in front of the bar, regularly touching each other’s arm or body, sometimes even facing him one against the other in the will to convince him you both agree about what you say…

If… when you finally decide to leave because it’s really late this time and maybe the barman wants to close the restaurant, you end up talking at a street corner, under the rain, though you obviously don’t really have anything really important to talk about anymore, and he manages to kiss you on the cheeks not only once as he should have done, but twice, in the process of really leaving…

Then… maybe he was thinking about the same thing as you were, and maybe he wanted what you also wanted ?

^{It’s so good to be 14 years old again !}

the nicest evening with Mr SMS. We really talked a lot about personal stuff, about our ways of living, of seeing life.

But I think we’re definitly becoming friends. I’m really not feeling seduced, or attracted. Well, I might decide to let things happen if he wanted them to happen, but he doesn’t seem to, and I’m definitly not going to try anything with someone I’m not really attracted to.

But this time, I may have found an “rational” reason explaining why I’m not seduced (or, quoting Roxi, why my subconscious doesn’t believe he’s the right one, though my conscious is wondering why he couldn’t be) : he told me a lot about the way he needs to travel a few months each year, about the way he doesn’t really take time to build things here, since he so much needs to travel. He said he was conscious he protects himself, sometimes, from relationships here, because he knows he wants to travel. He even said “sometimes for instance I think I should see you more, take more time to know you, instead of always leaving”.

Besides being a very interesting conversation, that made me think a lot about the fact that I’m happy to leave here and doesn’t feel ^anymore the urge to leave, it might be an explanation to the distance we keep, couldn’t it ?

I shouldn’t be that afraid about my capacity to feel love. I was on holidays last week, and definitly felt something for that guy, P, for at least 12 hours. After which I decided it was not a guy for me, and he wasn’t really available anyway.

I realize it’s only a matter of letting things come… Of not trying to decide with whom I should fall in love or not. It’s totally useless to decide such things with your mind. You just have to remain open and see if it happens… And it’s so nice when it does !

Then I thought a bit more about Mr SMS : I don’t feel. No matter why, I don’t feel. My mind might decide he’s a good guy for me, but I don’t feel.

I saw Mr e-mail and Mr SMS again, recently.

Mr e-mail and I attented the same diner last week. I was not that glad to see him, given the way he acted last time he sent me an e-mail (well, I seem to have given him the right name, at last). Anyway, at some point he mentioned to someone, in front of me, that he was in love, and started to talk about his new girlfriend. This might be an explanation for the way he suddenly became rude with me, this summer. And well, now things are clear, I do believe we might become good friends. Period.

And then, ten days ago, Mr SMS, who just came back from his month in Berlin, sent me an SMS (I’m good at giving them name, am I not ?) saying he had just come back and would be very glad to see me. We spent a very nice evening, last wednesday. And… well, nothing. We spent a very nice evening.

I don’t know what he wants. But this is not the main problem (well, it’s not a problem at all, in fact). The problem is : what do I want ? Well, I don’t know. I feel fine with him, I really do. He’s interesting, nice, quite cute, we share a lot of things, we can’t stop talking when we are together.

But I don’t really feel attracted.

And my question is : is the fact that I don’t fall in love (or am attracted, which would be the first step) with those guys, that are just the kind of guys I would be fine with, a problem I should consider, or is it just that falling in love is neither something you decide, nore something that happens every now and then ?

I would really like to find an answer to that.

is always great.

While on holidays I met that H guy, for whom I imediately failed. During the following night I dreamt of him, and what I remember is that each time I came close to him, like less than one meter, I imediately felt warm and secure.

Then I had a few minutes of half-sleeping dream when I tried to provoke it : visualise him, get close to him, feel the warmth and security. Get a little less close, stop feeling it, getting closer, and so on.

So nice.

^{Nothing happened with him. He was too much of a bear in fact}

a very nice long evening with #2, aka Mr SMS.

And I’m very upset now. Without really knowing why. Is it because I wasn’t really feeling anything “special” towards him ? Is it because he is a very nice person, though, and shares a lot of interests with me, and I really would have liked to feel something special for him (if that makes any sense) ? Or is it because he obviously didn’t really want anything to happen that evening, given the way he “kept his arms with him” while we were at the movies ?

Why can’t things be more evident and easy ?

Plus, I drank too much wine, it’s 4 am and I just can’t sleep at all.

I’m really upset against myself.

my previous experience is still influencing me. To make a long story short, the circonstances (erm…) allowed us to see each other, without nothing happening, during more than a year. We had time to fall madly in love with each other, so it was just magic when it happened.

Problem is, I had always been the kind who expects to be really in love before trying anything. It’s even worse now, I think. And it might not always be the right thing to do, especially talking about boys you just meet randomly and are not due to meet again, except if you provoke it.

Now, there are those two guys I like (yes, for things to be easier, there are two ones), but I’m not sure what I want. I would like to be able to do a lot of stuff with them, among other people, before, erm, having to decide. But it just isn’t gonna happen.

Oh well.

I believe I’m a bit lost in that field. Lost about what you’re “supposed to” (yes, I know you’re not “supposed to” anything. But don’t make thing even harder, please) feel before starting something with someone, stuff like that.

Well, anyway. I’m thinking to much. I’ve sent balls to both #1 and #2. Let’s see what they do with them.

definitly are here, ready to come out. Today I had a meeting, including a collegue I don’t see very often. At some point I thought “Hey, he’s quite attractive”. A quarter of an hour later, I was totally burning. The fact that we were seated next to each other, that the meeting was taking place in a cinema, and that he regularly leaned towards me to tell me something, in a quite familiar way, certainly facilitated my reaction.

Well, that’s all. I didn’t get to eat at the same table as he did, and took the train back to Paris right after lunch.

But it was soooo nice to feel this burn, and so reassuring to realise it can come so easily…

Don’t think. Feel.

Remember : the feeling is there, into you, right here. It’s only waiting for a sign to arise. Trust it. And don’t, untill it’s really here. And you’ll know it when it’s here.

Please.

Two days ago I took a coffee with O. She asked me wether I had “met someone” at my brother’s wedding, I say no, and she insisted saying stuff such as “Are you sure ? You didn’t see anybody ?”. I ended answering in an aggravated voice that I didn’t want to “find” someone, I wanted to really meet someone, and that this special someone definitly was not at my bro’s wedding, end of the story.

I don’t like the way she asks me almost each time she sees me if I “have a target”.

Then I had diner with M. Tonight. He told me about K. and his girlfriend that might get married soon. I was surprised (and so was M). Last time I saw K. at M’s party, he told M., at some point, “Hey, you could have told me there would be so many girls. I would have come alone”. M. explained me that the girlfriend knows about K.’s taste towards “seduction”, but “she’s strategical. She’s like a spider. She’s weaving the web, waiting for him to get caught into it, and then…”.

Oh my. I couldn’t stand a relationship into which I would have to be strategical, instead of trusting my man and speaking with him.

M. said well, a lot of relationships are like that, but then some doesn’t work like that. And he told me about that lucky student of his, who is 24 and happily married and he can’t believe how happy she looks like when she speaks about her man.

So here we are, I just want that. I don’t want anything else. And I’m ready to wait untill I get that, and not accept “half” relationships untill then.

But then, I’m really missing that, and sometimes when I see people having that, I really find it unfair.