be more social

I’ve been thinking about this goal. All the mad socializing I did back in Oct/Nov was a bit too much for me. I was really forcing myself to talk to people every week and that was so tiring. I need to find the balance between my needs/desires to be on my own and to interact with others.

Instead of forcing myself to go to places/see people when I’m not in the mood, lately I’ve been allowing myself to just say “no thanks, I’m feeling anti-social today”. The only problem is that most of my friends like to organize things weeks in advance, so this can be a problem. In a distant past I used to live in a very spontaneous community, that was ideal for me. Perhaps one day I will return to that kind of environment.

The most traumatic experiences for me last year where in “networking” situations. I really detest socializing in big groups of customers and potential new customers, basically I just hate “networking”. Considering I’m not the commercial partner of the business and have no desire whatsoever to become one, I really should not stress myself over this. From now on I will just avoid these traumatic parties I know I hate but somehow I get invited to. Sometimes I think I must be extremelly DUMB considering the amount of time it’s taking me to learn about myself.

Anyway, during February I had great fun meeting my friends, even went travelling abroad with some of them. Also had a great time cycling with a different group. Btw, it seems once or twice a month with the other cyclists is enough for me. Perhaps I’m finally learning to accept myself as a quiet/introvert person.

I’m not turning downs invitations (I went to some office Christmas parties, spent some days with friends over the holidays, went to some dinners) and I’m also going out to meet new people (walking and cycling group). I’m trying to put in practice the advice I read on books… Somedays it works (the other day I felt great about it) but one party I went was a major trauma. Took steps forwards, some backwards, not sure where I’m standing with this.

Saturday I was invited to have dinner with my partner and one of his adorable friends, someone I really enjoy talking to and always feel very comfortable around. BUT some days I simply don’t feel like socializing AT ALL and Saturday I was feeling like that. Anyway I forced myself to go and meet this friend and of course it was great as it always is. Why do I struggle? It’s always the same: I don’t feel like going, I go, I enjoy it.

Sunday I went riding again with the cycling group, this time I went with the group that meets in the morning for a full day out. We stopped for tea break at someone’s house, had lunch together and later people were planning to meet with the afternoon group for tea. I skipped the afternoon tea for two reasons: 1) still don’t have my lights and 2) too much socializing on the same day can be tiring for me. While people were friendly the group was so big at times I felt really ackward and lost in the conversation. I should work on my confidence (how?!). I must persevere and practice socializing if I ever want to be good at it. Feeling disencouraged at the moment.

I woke up too late on Sunday and missed the walk so I went to a organized bicycle ride instead. I thought I wasn’t fit enough to ride with a group like that but to my surprise I had no problems. How social can this be, I was wondering… but some people keep chatting while riding side by side and they usually go for a pub after the ride, so people are very talkative which is good. I had to skip the pub since I had no lights and was getting worried cycling back home without my lights. I’ve known about this group for years and never went riding with them, what is my problem?! I’ve been cycling on my own for so long, it really shows my anti-social attitude… but anyway now I’m joining the group so good for me!

I went to another walk with the same group but the walkers attending today were totally different from last week. We spent 2 hours walking in the rain in a forested area – which was absolutely gorgeous at this time with all the autumn colours. Wish I had taken my camera. Not sure if I’ll see these walkers from today again but I really enjoyed talking to them. Looking forward to the next walk.

Today I went for a walk with a local walking group instead of going on my own (as I usually do). I’m glad I went, some of the walkers were really nice and welcoming. They meet for walks every Sunday morning so perhaps I’ll go again next week.

Yesterday I met someone who suffered a 4h train journey just to see me! He is my mum’s cousin who is visiting the country on business so it was really nice to have a visitor from far away, first time we met but it was great chatting with him about family work and travels.

Yesterday I rang some friends out of the blue and we had dinner together. Great I’m feeling I’m getting back to my old self :)

I’m still avoiding the phone most of the time, so friends now send me txt messages and emails. Recently I went to a party where apart from my old friend I met some new folks and others who I had seem previously just once, it was not too bad. I was talking louder and laughing without inhibition, and got an invititation to join an interesting society, which is great since I still haven’t joined any of the groups I was planning too.

I forgot to mention how I usually meet people: I just come along to whatever my partner gets invited to. I’ve meet some interesting people doing this, but of course I’d like to expand my social circle through my own efforts.

I bought a book about “the art of conversation” that I think will help next time I find myself in a dinner parties surrounded by strangers. This book gives tips about opening lines, small talk, what to avoid etc. Basic stuff but I need the guidance. And I finally bought a mobile phone. Big step for me since I hate talking on the phone. Now I just need to use it. I’ve been going out more with my friends. It would be nice to expand my social circle, perhaps I could join some adult education classes or groups (gardening? ramblers etc) to meet new people.

Recently I went to this posh dinner party with a lot of strangers. Most people had difficulties getting my name right. To start a conversation with someone when they really cannot get past how odd my foreign name is – that was a bit off-putting. (My partner even suggested I should do like our Chinese friends do, they just say to people “call me xxxxx”, xxxx of course being a very common English name. I don’t want to do that, I’m very happy with the name my parents gave me.) But the name thing didn’t bothered me as much as what followed next, I’m embarrassed to describe the difficulties here but this party made me realise I really need to put a lot of effort into “being more social”.

The thing that puzzles me is that I used to be very social not so long ago, don’t know what went wrong but the situation at the moment is really bad.

Things I need to do:
- find a way to say my name so people can understand it first time
- improve my conversational skills (urgently – and that includes speaking louder and with more confidence)
- pay more attention to my body language (perhaps I’m giving the wrong impression to people)
- stop avoiding social situations (how many dinner parties I turned down in 2006?)
- stop avoiding the telephone
- contact people on a regular basis! find new friends, ring old ones, I could start ringing family so I can practice with cousins and other relatives first while I regain confidence.
- A real challenge for me would be to loudly tell a joke an amusing story at a dinner party, including strangers or business associates (more than 5). Perhaps I’ll be able to do this during 2007.