be true to myself

I think I’m feeling on top of this again. It’s requiring letting go of some things, but that letting go seems to have pushed forward many other real positives.

I guess this begins with being truthFUL with myself. The big conversation was had and I had no idea where it would take me, but it made me realize that I’d sought out in this relationship an escape from my real life; an exact repeat of what I’d done in my last relationship. A year later and several thousands of dollars in therapy repair and I’m still on square one.

I’ve added the goal: Realise I am responsible for the condition of my life. Hopefully it will serve to remind me that old familiar road always leads to the same destination (right HERE).

this really belongs in: LOVE, don’t settle, be true to myself, friendships, do the happy things…but I’m settling on this one as it’s got one relative entry already.

Have a meeting tomorrow with former bo and long time friend to discuss what happened between us and to initiate trying to rebuild our friendship in the aftermath. I’m nervous on so many counts; there are a few things I didn’t communicate with him in the end that I need to confront tomorrow (things I felt sad about, it’s hard right now because I’m hurt to make myself vulnerable, harder still when we’re no longer in an intimate relationship), and I’m also worried that his reaction to these things could possibly make me feel worse. I don’t even know without a doubt what I want from him (unless you count all the ways in which I never want him to change and the changes I’m wishing he’d make). I feel like it’s a little soon to even be trying this, but he is pushing for it and for some logistical reasons (I have some extra time on my hands right now as does he, time which we could spend together doing many of the wonderful things we used to do again) I’ve agreed.

I guess I’ll just have to promise myself to be happy with my own progress if I’m able to get out all of the things I want aired regardless of the result or resulting reaction.

Such a toss up for me at the moment. I split up with the person I was seeing (short term but one of my closest friends for a long while) because I got nervous. There was something he’d done that brought forth a trust issue for me. He adores me. I adore him. I just got scared off. I’ve been trying to learn to trust my instincts (along with wanting to save the friendship). So I’m either being true to myself because I honored my instincts or I’m being untrue to myself because I want to be with him with every fiber in my body.