get out of my own way

I think this goal should be combined with my goal to Overcome Fear. They seem to be very much connected to each other. The less fear I have, the less I get in my own way.

Through therapy I have made progress on this goal. It’s about a lot of things, and I’ve written a lot about procrastination and motivation on my process blog http://perpetualspiral.blogspot.com

Surprisingly (to me anyway) a big issue is Faith. Faith in myself, or belief in myself. I’ve gotten a lot of great support from my new online friends who are constantly saying nice things about my abilities and competence. That goes a long way with me towards helping me believe in myself. And thus there is less fear in me when I start out to do a task. I’ve been more productive over the last few months than I have since I was in school.

Secondly is faith in little steps adding up to big things. Being consistent and doing just a little towards your goals on a regular basis gets you there just as reliably as doing it all in one shot. This kind of babystepping is new to me, since i’ve always been such an extreme person – all or nothing. But it has become necessary because of my health to take a different approach. The more I do it, the more I show myself it works, and the more often I take the small steps approach.

Being accountable to others, while being supported by them. This has also helped me, especially when dealing with my volunteer work. There are times when I am so overwhelmed by the responsibility and the amount of things that I need to do – this is paralyzing for me. But because I work with such understanding people, i can tell them when I’m freaking out and they always offer to help. Sometimes there’s nothing I can delegate, but at least I can get more time and encouraging words. Because I believe the organization and my participation is making a real difference in people’s lives and will continue to do bigger and better things, I am motivated most days to do work. So on 99% of the days when I am at home and have no plans that take me away from home (like social visits or errands that take all of my energy away), I do several hours of work. I start with the regular duties and that gets me in work mode so I can tackle the other things.

So while I am still very much in my own way when it comes to my artisan self, a lot of obstacles to other areas in my life have fallen away and I just DO things without grinding my teeth and torturing myself first!

A facebook bulletin entry from June 28: “I’m the one who’s stopping myself from being happy and enjoying my life right now. I’m the only one who keeps telling me that I should be different, do different things, to change NOW. Therefore, I’m the one creating the guilt I feel when I don’t live up to these expectations. For whatever reason, I think I should be able to snap my fingers and become this other person. Well it doesn’t work that way, and being hard on myself is actually slowing down my progress by making me depressed. So I’m just going to have to drop these insanely high standards and have faith that I will get where I want to be without ‘should-ing’ myself to death. I have been satisfied living on little steps and faith before, so I know I can do it again.”

To elaborate further, the harder I try to make myself do things, the less I do them. I have this intrinsic rebellion to anything that comes with a “have to” instead of a “want to”. Even when they are things I actually want to do, that desire is overshadowed by the “must” and the “should”, to the point where I just become obstinately paralyzed. Having 42 things plus all the other goal lists, having the list of foods I “can’t” eat, this lists of things I should do, the lists of things I should not do, it is all so constricting I just bust the whole program up by refusing to stick to any of it.

I want to wake up every morning and feel FREE. That won’t happen when I have so many have-to’s. I want to let myself just do what I want to, including things that are on my list of shoulds, but without feeling like I’m fulfilling an obligation, without pressure of having to get up and do the same thing tomorrow. I’ve gotten more good things done when I just do them because I want to. The trick is to accept where I am at, and have faith that I will want to do things that will carry me forward in the right direction. I did the most yoga in my life when I just wanted to do it, not when I told myself I had to do it. I remember saying to a friend “I love yoga, I want to do it ALL THE TIME.” And I was doing it all the time, daily in fact, despite being in University.

There have been a number of times I really felt like swimming, but didn’t. I can talk myself into or out of anything. Trouble is, I usually talk myself into the unhealthy thing and out of the healthy thing. I want to reverse that.

I have been feeling unhappy lately, with days almost as bad as I used to have when I was severely depressed. With this insight, I now attribute these experiences to my incessant “musterbation”. What am I telling myself when I do this? That I am not good enough the way I am. That I am unacceptable and unlovable until I reach that ideal person. I am not paying attention to my process. The harder I push, the less progress I make. It is a hard habit to break, not having faith in yourself to make decisions in present moments. I am so afraid I’ll make the wrong choices each moment, that I plan them ahead of time, and then feel so trapped by them that I rebel.

I know I’ve made the most spiritual, emotional and physical progress in my life when I just let go and enjoyed myself. When I trusted the universe to lead me on the path. So I know there are impulses in me to do good for myself. If I follow them instead of trying to whip myself from behind, I will surely benefit more. I will surely find myself swimming, doing yoga and cooking great meals, just because I want to. I have to let go of the reins, shush my superego, and learn how to FLOW again. I want to live my life from the gut, not the director’s chair.

the more I think about doing the positive things that I want to do – eat right, do yoga, meditate etc. the more I am doing the exact opposite. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I know how great I feel when I do the right things, but it’s like I have a most stubborn side that just says no for the sake of saying no. At that side is winning at the moment. Well, I’m doing well today so far, so that’s good. One day at a time.