restore politeness, refinement, tact and other old-fashioned niceties

I behave rudely when I’m drunk. What if this is my true self?

This troubles me vastly.

and she sent me one she wrote. it’s amazing! behold:

rules of engagement: a primer for omnivore-herbivore interaction
by sarah blum

These days it seems like every family has its one tofu-eating, soymilk-swilling black sheep. The cousin who forsook Aunt Mable’s pulled pork for a salady sandwich. The daughter who protested at KFC while Mom and Dad were inside eating a bucket of wings. Whether you’re for or against vegetarianism, it’s slowly find its foothold in mainstream cuisine.

But how does one communicate with these deviant eaters? They’re going against years of tradition and government regulations that call for meat as a staple in the American diet. They’re always doing silly protests and eating sprouts and looking emaciated in the corner. How could one possibly help but laugh in the face of these protein-starved individuals? Believe it or not, vegetarians have many of the same types of jaded ideas about the average meat-eater: a hulking, macho idiot who’s too programmed by tradition to think for him/herself. Plus, they’re all kind of cynic from getting laughed at while they’re eating sprouts and making protest signs. With the number of vegetarians increasing slowly but steadily, it is time to address common problems that result from a lack of understanding between the omnivorous and the herbivorous.

To start, vegetarianism is a lifestyle based around consuming no animals or animal by-products. This includes poultry and seafood. Anyone who eats animals and claims to be vegetarian suffers from a lack of understanding as to what the word means. It bothers other vegetarians to hear of such people because it usually comes from someone who is trying to cast a negative light on the entire lifestyle. This is called prejudice, and the discerning individual will avoid practicing it or else be labeled a dated prig. The average vegetarian could have any number of reasons for choosing this lifestyle. Most commonly, people are vegetarian because of health reasons, religious/cultural beliefs, or because of ethics. Despite popular belief, you can always tell a person’s reasons just by passing them on the street (although that kid with the “meat is murder” tee shirt probably isn’t just doing it for health reasons…). Vegetarianism is not a religion and no part of it requires others to missionize to others. Those who choose to do so do not reflect the opinions of all other vegetarians, and many vegetarians look upon such behavior with embarrassment and disdain since they will invariably be lumped in with these meatless missionaries. Every vegetarian is an individual and should be treated as such, thereby eliminating most of the inane taunting that comes from uneducated omnivores.

A Guide To Talking To Vegetarians

If you are uninformed on the tenets of vegetarianism, it would do you some good to look it up on Google or your preferred search engine. This is an especially good idea if you know you will be interacting with a vegetarian in the future (upcoming wedding, company dinner etc.). In most cases, the vegetarian will appreciate of your effort to learn about their lifestyle as would any other individual whose background is outside of the mainstream. If you do not have access to a good source of information of vegetarianism, it is alright to ask a vegetarian, provided you do so in a polite and respectful manner. Here are a few questions that vegetarians abhor:

1. What DO you eat??
2. Don’t you just want to sink your teeth into a juicy steak?
3. What about plants? Don’t you care about the plants?

These are not real questions; they are thinly veiled attempts at mockery and belittlement. The average vegetarian will answer these questions 3,854,127 times in their lifetime, and it will irk them every single time. It is never proper to belittle your fellow person (vegans, take note!!). Plants have feelings, indeed! If you are truly interested in learning about the vegetarian lifestyle, here are some appropriate questions that could lead to enlightening conversation while avoiding tricky issues like morality:

1. What led you to become a vegetarian?
2. Do you have any recommendations for restaurants/dishes? (This could be very handy information in the future!)
3. What was the hardest part of your transition to vegetarianism?

This is just a smattering of questions which you could ask a vegetarian that might help you understand the individual as well as their lifestyle choice. The proper vegetarian will never make you apologize for your lifestyle, and you should return the favor. It is surprising to see how often common courtesy is thrown out the window when one mentions that one is a vegetarian, even if the reason is purely medical. Being an herbivore does not render a man impotent nor a sissy-mary. Under no circumstance is it ever proper to shove half-eaten food in someone’s face (usually accompanied with the phrase, “Mmmmm, meat!!), and it is especially repugnant when the person has expressed a disdain for the food in question. Anyone caught doing so will be promptly sent to the time-out corner where they belong.

Also, in many cases, a vegetarian did not become so because he or she disliked the taste of meat. It is a sacrifice that many people endure because of varying reasons. Taunting such a person by carrying on about a fantastic rack of lamb or detailing the process of eating a sirloin steak is cruel and quite repulsive. To a struggling vegetarian, this is the equivalent of blowing smoke in the face of a person who just gave up cigarettes. Cruelty such as this is by and large intolerable in civilized society. In may also be that you are dealing with an ethical vegetarian; in which case, describing meat in detail is on the same level as describing your latest bowel movement. This is also frowned upon in polite society.

Vegetarians, despite their waiflike appearance, are generally typical human beings. If one treats them in a courteous manner, one will probably get the same in return. It is important to mention that to some people, the choice to be vegetarian is as important as the choice to belong to a certain religion or social club. When in doubt, treat the choice as such and you will have no problem with a respectable vegetarian.

Etiquette for the Common Vegetarian

Vegetarian etiquette can be divided into two categories: rules for dealing with omnivores, and rules for dealing with other vegetarians. The average omnivore is usually cagey around vegetarians partly from a lack of understanding and partly because of nasty rumors and encounters with other vegetarians. Taunting and teasing is to be expected when anyone chooses an “alternative” lifestyle. However, countering with more taunting and batting around facts about factory farming does little more than make you look like a wacko tree-hugging hippie. It is far better to the mature route and try to politely correct any misconception that is thrown at you WITHOUT being smarmy and snotty. It doesn’t matter if your aggravator is unaware of the previous living conditions of his or her Big Mac; if you try to act hoity-toity because of your “higher moral ground”, all you will succeed in accomplishing is making another enemy of vegetarianism and fulfilling the stereotype of a vegetarian. A true vegetarian is interested in spreading his or her ideas to as many people as possible; acting superior because of one’s life choices is the mark of snobbery. The best way to influence people is to befriend them and show them how you can happily live your life as a vegetarian. Didactic ranting is boring and uncouth.

New vegetarians suffer the most from this preaching syndrome. They make the assumption that everyone would share their reaction if they just knew the facts about meat and the animal’s living conditions. In truth, as with any situation, people will all filter these facts differently, and trying to drill it into their skulls is not usually an effective way of making a point (just ask a high school math teacher!). Be respectful as you would in any other argument, even if your opponent is disgraceful and wrong. Here are a few things you should never say to an omnivore that you’ve recent met:

1. Did you know [insert disgusting meat fact here]? (This is utter blasphemy if spoken during meal-time. If they are convinced you have a point, the animal they’re eating won’t be saved, and you’ve just wasted what was left of it in the garbage can).
2. You’d have to be a heartless, selfish bastard to eat meat after knowing how animals are treated.
3. If you become vegetarian, then you can join PETA and protest and petition and go to [name of vegan restaurant here] and we can be best comrades and you can change everything about your life etc etc.

These remarks are judgmental and make a lot of assumptions about the person to whom you are talking. Would you want to associate with someone who made such flip decisions about other people? Decisions such as those that are often leveled at vegetarians? Hmmm? Some people are approaching you with the very best intentions, perhaps to gauge if vegetarianism is something to partake in. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

In most cases, it is more effective to focus on the positive aspects of vegetarianism rather than the negatives of nonvegetarianism. It’s cumbersome to get involved in a debate about the possibility of animals having souls but easy to eat a plain cheese pizza and remark about the high quality of vegetarian comestibles. Once you establish a positive experience with vegetarianism, most omnivores will at least think about it in the future. And that is a good start.

One of the more insidious breaches of etiquette in vegetarian culture is the prolific one-upping battle of vegetarian versus vegetarian (or vegan versus vegetarian/other vegan). Those who should be comrades fighting for the rights animals against an uninformed culture have rapidly been replaced with foes vying for a higher run in the ladder of veggier-than-thou. This attitude has been covered in a former paragraph and shall be once again restated: A true vegetarian is interested in spreading his or her ideas to as many people as possible; acting superior because of one’s life choices is the mark of snobbery. One cannot assume that because one shares an eating lifestyle with another person that somehow more is being shared (political views, health concerns etc). This is a slippery slope of illogic, and it simply will not do to be so presumptuous.

Conversely, there are those “vegetarians” who claim to be meat-free but are habitually seen in the local McD’s eating beef-injected fries and a burger. Is it any wonder these people are met with hostility in the veggie community? Hypocrisy on its own is a terrible breach of etiquette – to brag to others about a lifestyle you aren’t even practicing is adding insult to injury! It is perfectly natural to empathize with the plight of animals and want to be a part of the vegetarian movement, but want is simply not enough! In order to proclaim yourself a vegetarian (or anything for that matter), you must actually BE a vegetarian, and this entails giving up certain food, even if you want it tremendously. Poseurs beware: the vegan police are waiting at your door at this very moment!

Another abhorrent behavior commonly practiced in the vegetarian community is to pounce on any error, purposeful or not, that throws into question the status of the vegetarian. So-and-so ate Skittles which contain gelatin! What’s-her-name wears leather boots! We had names for such people in school: squealers, tattletales, stool pigeons. Perhaps so-and-so was unaware that Skittles contain gelatin or that gelatin is an animal byproduct. Perhaps what’s-her-name is getting as much use out of her old boots as she can so as not to be wasteful. A considerate individual will privately inform the wrong-doer of his or her act in a timely and appropriate manner so as not to publicly ostracize them from their vegetarian peers. If it is a genuine mistake, the person in question will appreciate this timely correction and thank their lucky stars that they have such a considerate and informed buddy. Humiliating a blossoming vegetarian could turn them off from the whole lifestyle, and we wouldn’t want that!

Simply put, the golden rule is still the best way to deal with anyone, and vegetarians are no exception. Follow these basic guidelines and keep your wits about you, and in no time you too will be having terrific omnivorous-herbivorous relationships!

Thank you, Mr. West, for your parliamentary procedure gaffe—it’s getting people talking about etiquette, decency and propriety again. Look for my pamphlet entitled “How to Behave: An Uncommon Code of Common Conduct” which will soon be available wherever pamphlets are distributed (1968???).

I’m very saddened to report that I have been blatantly cut in front of twice within the past week when standing in a queue. Was getting your taco bell thirty seconds before me really that important, oh young teen skateboarder boy? The other instance was at the deli/wine shop I frequent for lunch at work. But this time, it was an older gentleman who did the cutting. As I’m a regular, the cashier shot me a look of apology and I nodded in return. There’s really no teaching some people and I do believe it would be just as rude to point out their rudeness. To be fair, I think the old man was just being oblivious, but the young man was most certainly being impatient.

Please, remember to be aware of your surroundings, wait your turn and everything will run more smoothly.

and am drafting a brochure called “how to behave.” officially.

is oh-so-polite!

• always give a firm handshake
• look straight in the eye
• repeat their name and mine
• followed by, “How do you do?”

It’s working!

also, to stand up whenever someone new joins the table. I get scoffed at for this, but I think it is only polite. I do not stand up, however, when someone leaves the table. The gentlemen should, though, if they wish to call themselves such (sadly, most do not).

become an etiquette expert
perhaps write a code of consideration?

“Good manners is the art of making those feel easy with whom we converse.” -Jonathan Swift

“The great art of etiquette was invented to translate the incoherent jumble of feelings to which we are all subject into something more presentable.”

-Miss Manners