be more confident

Being more confident is also about knowing yourself: your strenghts but also your flaws and imperfections.
In the past three months, I’ve been “playing this game” with a guy I recently met. We were trying to get to know each other by analyzing our behaviors. Sounds stupid, I know; but we’re crazy like that …

Anyway, thanks to him, I learned tons of things about me. He quickly sensed I had this big ego, trapped in a self-conscious body. Hearing him say it out loud suddenly made it okay for me :p
Starting from this point, I finally admited there are things I know I’m good at; and realized it was okay to make mistakes.
I don’t feel strange anymore about having this white/black thing inside of me.

And apparently, I have “extreme” thoughts. I asked three relatives who confirmed the “diagnosis”. This may be because I’m quite stubborn and never talk when I’m not sure. Well, that part, I knew.
But I always thought I was “normal”; in that, I thought more or less like everybody else. Apparently not. I still have to figure this out … :)

I guess being confident is also about knowing yourself.

Three people told me this in a period of three days:
you are a paradox all to yourself. On the one hand, you seem super confident about your “smartness”. But on the other hand, you seem to think of yourself as sh*t in every other part of your life

And that’s kinda right! I always take my intelligence as an example because it has been proven to me that … well, yes, I had it!
People have told me other nice things about me but I’m never sure. I guess I’ll never be really confident about my looks (even though I’ve been told I’m cute) because I don’t usually attract men. I’ll never be really sure I’m interesting because people I meet don’t necessarely express the need to see me again (even though I can hold a conversation about many things: travelling, reading, movies, music, science, anything really).
And the list goes on. Point is: I just need to leave with my lack of confidence, try to make it better to be … happy =)

I recently had two interesting talks with women from my family.

- My mom’s cousin’s wife (looks more complicated that it is): she is around 40 and just had her second child so she still has some curves. She told me weight never was an obsession in her family; she said she believed having a curvy/”generous” body revelaed a generous mind. I don’t know, I like that she said that because it would be a good thing for me :) . She added that, when she was younger, she didn’t think she could attracte handsome boys; by the age of 18, she started to get more confident and got to be with a cute guy she liked. I think I could learn a lot from her experience.

- I also talked with my father’s sister who is in her 50s. I always assume she is way too much into the “mind-body connection” or symbolism (I keep on buying shoes because I want to move on with my life). So I never really cared about her “bullshit”.
As we spent the week together, she noticed weight was an obsession for me. She said she thought I was really cute but needed to change my glasses (too serious!). Most importantly, she pointed out that my parents were the one having this problem. My great-grandfather, my grandmother and my father have it; it’s time for me to break the circle.

This is sure going to be hard; but I need to this for me and also for my little sister (though I doubt she will ever have a weight problem).

- Oh, and I had my other aunt on the phone (and she is SUPER thin). She might be the most weight-obsessed person I know. She told she thought I looked “curvy” recently and that I needed to lose some more weight to get this guy I like. It really hurt me.
It also hurt me that she changed her mind. Two weeks ago, she said I needed to take my time with this guy, wait for September and a steady relationship. As I told her about my latest problem, she said he was kind of slow! Come on, what I needed was some encouragement!

Yesterday, I met a friend of a friend.
She is a pretty girl; she’s nice, clever and has a cute boyfriend. She seemed kind of perfect to me!

I need to stop comparing myself to others; otherwise, I’ll never be confident.

Someone I recently met (but who is very perceptive) told me, I had a big ego but I didn’t seem to feel good in my own skin. He was so right!

I know I’m clever, I know I’m worth knowing, I know I can handle responsibilities; but I wonder if people know that. And I wonder if they like me; or if they think I’m trying too hard.

I’ve been wearing pretty clothes (especially dresses) with high heels for the past few days and seeing people staring at me in the streets totally cheered me up!

And I want to look nice and feel good with this guy so ^^

I’m getting there …

I think I need to wear clothes that make me feel good.
Yesterday, I wore ripped jeans and a navy tank top: never felt so good! And my mom said “Wow, this looks … young”. My dad keeps telling me I need to wear high heels (as if I could bear standing for 4 hours and walking around town with them).

Anyway, I’m looking at Am. App. stuff right now. I bought dresses for my cousin’s wedding and realized I looked okay so I’ll try to buy more.

But it’s not only about the clothes so I’ll still be careful with my social relationships …

People used to tell me : “love yourself and people will love you.”. This sentence was so frustating to me; because I can not love myself if there’s no-one to prove me I’m worth it.

There’s this guy who likes me (and I like him too) and I guess I should be satisfied but I’m not.
I keep asking myself why on earth he likes me or wants to see me. And I always find good reasons not be with him.

Edit >> The key word I wanted to use was “insecurities”.

I’ve never been a confident person.
I started liking/accepting myself back when I was a senior in high school … which was 2 years ago.

Last year was my first year in college and I left my parents’ house to live on my own at only 17. I’m glad I did it.
It’s just that studying-studying-studying … and eating sh*t made me put on weight. I did not have time to dress properly, did not sleep enough.

This was a bad year for me. And I pretty much lost all my self-confidence. It’s a shame but I know how to get it back now. So hopefully, it will get better.