cry less

I’ve been wanting to write this entry for a month now; I just hadn’t find the courage until now.
I had a drink with the other student from my hospital unit. We were just supposed to hang out and I had no idea how the evening would turn out. We ended up sharing private things and secrets.

I told him about the death about someone I truly cared about; I had only mentioned it once to another friend but, other than that, I had never shared my feelings about it with anyone.
As I was saying “I miss her”, tears dropped on my cheeks; I felt self-conscious but at the same time, relieved.

I do not consider this as a step back from achieving this goal, though.

Last time I cried was at the end of my hospital training. I just could not hold back the tears as I left the building.

I absolutely loved this place, this people, this life.

I do not regret this “crying episode”. Saying goodbye is harsh. This was a first time for me so … ‘nope, I’m okay with it :)

My friend told me she didn’t get into med school so I went to spend the evening with her. It was hard not to cry because we had been imagining that we’d spend the rest of our studies together.
The next day, I still hadn’t cried about it. My shift was almost over when the intern asked me if I was okay. So I told him and burst into tears.

This is the second time he sees me crying but I believe (or at least, I hope) he won’t jump to conclusions. I told him I didn’t want him to think I was weak and he just said “That’s normal; it’s good to cry from time to time”.

Truth is, he was right. I feel so much better.

From now on, I’ll avoid crying in front of people.
I don’t mind crying when I’m alone.
I simply the fact people judge you because you cried once in front of them. Besides, it makes you seem weak. Which I hate.

Still crying. I guess it is just an expression of who I am. I am sensible, susceptible and caring. I do not see the point.
I mostly cry when I’m sad; so if I want to stop crying, I should stop being sad. But that’s another story.

I can say that, at 18, I cry about once a week.
I can cry because of a beautiful song, because I suddenly feel alone, because of a movie …
I cry more often when I am tired or when I’m suffering.
Sometimes, there are tears of happiness: when I got into med school, when I graduated, when I saw someone I missed a lot …

I’m not sure I want to cry less.
I believe the reason I’m crying so much is because I’m super sensible but also because I keep so much to myself. At some point, I just have to let it go.