keep going

The worst of my shock and fear over failing my final course has passed. Now, I’m trying to refocus.

I applied for unemployment today – which I never realized I could do (and so missed out on 8 months of eligibility). Getting even a little bit of money to tide me over while I’m finishing my final class and looking for work will be a huge help (especially since paying for the final class is wiping out the last of my savings).

I signed up for my new final course – a statistics class. I’m actually somewhat excited about this and it’s beginning to make me think that maybe there is a silver lining in this disaster.

After spark told the story of the farmer, who comments “who knows what is good and what is bad?” I was chatting with my neighbor about this crisis. She mentioned that the Chinese symbol for crisis is composed of the symbols for danger and opportunity.

It turns out (according to someone who seems like he knows) that this isn’t actually true, but I like the idea of it: that there is opportunity in crisis.

The following evening I was talking with a friend about an upsetting conversation I’d had with my mom (where my mom went through the litany of bad moves and mistakes I’ve made, that have made my life add up to nothing), and my friend (who is also not considered successful by conventional standards) said,

“I refuse to believe that my life is a mistake. I prefer to ask myself, ‘If none of this is a mistake, then what is my life about?’ After all, I don’t know what the big picture is. I don’t know whether there’s reincarnation. Maybe I’m just burning off karma. Maybe I’m not done yet. When I think about my life, I realize I don’t have much experience with DOING, but I have a good deal of experience with BEING, and some level of understanding of being. Since I don’t know what the purpose of my life is, who am I to judge whether this is failure or success?”

I really loved that.

What if none of this is a mistake? Then what is my life about? Who knows what is good and what is bad? Maybe in this crisis, there is some opportunity for insight, finding a new direction.

These similar bits of advice are all pointing me toward a way of keeping on going / keeping on being.

I wrote again to my professor, to say that I respected her decision to stand by the standards she had set for the students. And wished her all the best.

Somehow, it seems like just about everyone decides eventually that I’m insane and/or not worth the investment.

I still think, though, secretly (and maybe this is just how the mind defends itself), I still think I might actually be someone worth knowing. I might even be someone important, in some way.

I guess time will only tell.

To hell with it. Graduate school, and the previous efforts.

Whatever it is I’m meant to do with my life, it’s not “fitting in.” That’s for sure.

Who KNOWS? Maybe I’ll still be a writer of some kind, at some point.

One doesn’t know.

_{I can’t really tell whether I should be ashamed of myself, for writing to the professor again, to wish her “all the best.” Maybe that was kind of stupid. But, I just wanted to reclaim my pride. I wanted to be the one to walk away.}

I didn’t pass the course.

I’m not graduating.

I feel so scared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move forward with my life. I don’t know what I’m doing.

What am I going to do? I don’t belong working in this field. I failed the class because I don’t care. I haven’t been able to get myself to do the work. I tried to pull a last-minute save, but I didn’t know how to do the assignment.

What am I going to do? I just spent 2 and a half years in grad school, hiding out … hoping some kind of answers would present themselves. I was never in this program because I wanted to be. I just didn’t know what else to do.

And now it’s over. And I’m not graduating. And I don’t have a job. And I don’t know what kind of job I might even be able to get. I don’t know what I’m doing.