fight my depression

The last thing I wanted was the added responsibility of another dog.
But there he was, all 100 lbs of him, black as midnight starring back at me, in a photo, on that dreaded site. Of course there was the ad..”moving, cannot take animals. Save this dog from the pound.” Free to a good home.” Maybe I was feeling sentimental, or maybe I just related to plight to the dog, to my own life. And I soon found myself in my car, driving to West Virginia to retrieve a dog that was too big for my back seat.
I thought, I had saved that dog that day. It wasn’t until he was here with us for a month or two, did I realize, that he saved me. Or maybe we saved each other.
He’s the reason for my brisk walks three times a day. I gentle paw on my lap, to remind me he needs some attention. A massive face in lap when I need something to hug.
He is also the reason, for buying 5 new pair of flip flops this summer. But if his only fault is chewing shoes. I can live with that!

Valentine cards. First time ever. It really made me happy. Told my mom she a crazy unique person…and thanked her for all her support this year. Sent my sister a card to make amends..and sent one..just cause

Found me crying at a drop of a hat around Valentine’s Day.

In places like Walmart…so lame. I just wanted one card one heart full of nasty chocolate
Or did I? Not really…but I knew someone was getting that stuff and it wasn’t me..woman less deserving..I wanted this year to be different..and only I can make it that way. So I came to the conclusion that almost 17 years ago I gift the best Valentine’s gift ever. Ten days early..her name is Alexandra..Ali for short..so I hung the red hearts in the window today…to remind myself….that God gave me one of the most amazing gifts ever on a cold almost valentine’s day in 1994…

Last year…and I recall being so happy with my life.
I don’t ever want to feel like that again. For you can’t mourn the loss of unhappiness. But the pain from loosing happiness is more than one can bear.

Life..is good….....

I am not sure this is the right medication for me. It seems to be more of a quick fix. Not that I don’t need that but after a few hours I find myself a little more depressed than before. I remind myself, to keep busy when that feeling hits, even if it’s a mindless task like laundry. It’s difficult at first to get that initial push started..to get motivated. I know that once I do, I feel better.
Finding balance between myself, medication and motivation. Somewhere along the way I am finally going to figure out just how to beat this for GOOD!

but each day keeps getting worse…..I wish it wasn’t that way..I hoped I could make it go away..But with every passing day I cry more often and much harder.Most of it, is my own doing….I’ll admitt that..years and years of bad choices….
But I called…I said..I need help, I scheduled that visit…with a therapist…I need to stop this hurt..I can’t do this on my own..and I owe it to my children, to be a whole person…...

after wanting too for so long..I watched the You tube video..Positively Positive…Randy Pausch.
His story touched me long before I ever watched the video…maybe, I thought because that speech was at CMU, maybe because his death was so tragic. But in the end, that wasn’t the case…
When he said, that when people stop telling you what is wrong with yourself, that is when, you need to worry….
I never thought of it that way….I will face a million critics, before I ever accept someone giving up on me….today i wrote that down on a postcard, propped it in front of my computer..and reminded myself, if he can do it, with what he faced, so can I….To someone I never met, I think you saved my life, at least tonight

I think because, I think too far ahead.
Live in the moment..is going to be one of my new 43 things…
Just which one, should I delete? Hmmmm

how did I think one Cd..made you man of the year…not so much
You depressed me, more than you made me happy, in the end, I gave the CD away, poster and all, I didn’t tell you that
I’ll let you believe, forever, yep you were the prince
cause, in the long run….I think your more depressed than me…That should be a post secret