be a better listener

gave you time to say
I waited patiently, and listened
than you spoke it,”retired”
There was no party, no friends, there is still a feeling that things may change should the economy pick up
And I struggled, for you not working means we cannot be together, share, our lives except for cold keyboards, and plastic phones
There will be no warm body, to touch under cold hands
and my selfish side, wants to scream, I need you
and the part that loves you
just reminds me..I can wait to touch you again

so little lately, so much so, that you did not even tell me about your surgery, till the day before
I hear better, when you say nothing.
I hear, much clearer, when you are in my arms
This distance between is making me deaf.how can I explain, if I only saw your face, felt your hand, things would be different
All I want to hear, is your heart beat, as I lie my head on your chest, for in that moment, there is nothing, that we cannot face together

that I could do the task set ahead of me.I was asked, to write, about, the Marines…”Do this for me, everyone I asked, said no..” he said..
“I am not good with words”, he said
“But there was a sacrifice..not one during war, but we were peacekeepers”, he told me..”in korea, and Vietnam..”
The peace keepers, the silent but forgotten, group of military
personal….the ones, that did not endure battle,and who are almost apologitic, because they did not….he simply said..I was a Marine, I kept the peace….I humbly say..I cannot do you or any other Marine, justice by my words…I cannot…
I fall short of your sacrfice, be it in peace time or war time..you were and will always be, this “Band of Brothers” ....

you and I have had our differences, in the past..no doubt..I thought, you should have, could have, set a better example for your sons…been a better dad..
After time, we came to an understanding, and I actually saw you become, the father and grandfather, I always knew you could be..
You have spent many a summer with us, but this time, might be your last, for you, have been told, that you have less than a year to live….
And oddly, I admire, you..your outlook, you, asking for help when you need it, not taking unnecessary risks…I know your afraid..I hoped that I have listened ..that I re assured you enough, that only God knows when you will be called home….
This visit is much different, our roles have changed….
and I am watching a man, right now right the wrongs…in his life..so, I am listening, perhaps more than I ever have, in my life

from the young women I work with….and it always comes down to the same thing…the text he sent or the text he did not respond to…..
Texting is ranked (in my book anyway) as the number one killer of personal relationships….I try to tell these lovely young ladies, that the man behind the text, is not..Edward Cullens..he will not text you..”you shot across my life like a meteor, and there was beauty and light” Instead, you’ll get a response, like “yep” or “nope”or “K”...
And I have heard so many young ladies tell me, “It’s over, I sent him a text and got no response” Geez, he’s a guy,,,am no expert, but I have been married to a man with a cellphone for many years. I have found that cellphone, under the seat of his car, inside the cushions of our couch, and occasionally, in the dog’s mouth…if I was to rely, on his response or lack thereof, via text, we would have been divorced a looooong time ago
Relationships, are formed, by looking into someone’s eyes, watching the expression on their face and the infliction of their voice, it is “Listening” not reading about, what they have to say

those words cut, like a hot knife through the heart….
Of course, I listen to you, you have been my daughter for the past almost 15 years.that would have been the wrong thing to say, this isn’t about me, I had to remind myself, no matter how much her words hurt…this, is about her and her feeling…..she is feeling this way for a reason, that extends beyond self pity….
So, I let the knife, go a bit deeper, and a bit deeper and with her every word, I thought about my listening skills…not at that moment, for at that moment I WAS truly listening..I was seated across from her, I was searching her eyes to find a part of her, that I hoped still loved me…
But that WAS the difference, she felt heard, because, I was not cooking dinner, or gazing up from a newpspaper that I could read at anytime..I was sitting, focusing only on her..
And I have added this to what is needed to become a better listener…you stop what your doing, and let your body language convey, that what they have to say is important..and everything else can wait till they are done speaking…
In the end, she taught me…in her short almost 15 years, about myself, and a big shortcoming, that I am working on improving

do I actually want to be this…..no, I really don’t..it has been the source of all of my insecurities…..I have listened..I have heard….and amazingly I am still here trying to understand,,
why the only person that ever, held you up, you have chosen to bring down…...I dont want to listen anymore….your words hurt me, scar me…..I have never given up on us….or I would so not be here….in the mist of all this confusion.. I have found escapes.and one actually i could never tell you that I did not love…..but I tried to love you as well
you just made that near impossible….
you never once asked me….why, I sit here in the dark….
however I think you know, had you…reached out to me at least once in the dark, held my hand, in a way that wasnt selfish….I would have given you anything….

however…..there is so much I could say tonight..had you been or had this been your goal….
because if it was..you would have heard my heart break..as I tried again, to make some sense of our life together,,,,,
or better yet our life apart…..not physically, but mentally…

but I don’t hear, schedules, times, places or events…
I mean, I do, I just don’t remember them real well.
But I hear, your heart, those words, that you say to me, while we lie in the dark…....
because, your heart, has some much to say…so much, that no one hears, there are others, that will remember, your flight schedule…your work schedule…when the have to pick you up, and when they have to drop you off..
And I, might arrive late..to pick you up, but I would remember that your favorite dessert is ice cream..that you like your steak medium to rare..that I could name every single one of your friends, and know, why they were and are important in your life

that I was this to you…while you were home…All I know, is that one minute it was May and in a blink of an eye..we packed the car, and headed you back off to college today….
In case you didn’t know, I heard you, every concern, every happiness, ever potential goal…..
And even though, your miles away right now, I still hear you