I no longer feel depressed, or stuck. I got my teeth into work (pushed myself a little too hard to be honest), persevered and held out, found lots of avenues for work, and in the end was offered an amazing job. While the job is the icing on the cake, I believe I came through the darkness of depression before the offer even came along. The key to this was keeping busy, and trying to stick to a routine even when I didn’t really have a structured life. Plus more peace in my heart and lots of love and patience between me and my sweetheart. All of those things helped keep me going.
I know that depression will visit me again, at some point, when the going gets really tough. But I am strong, and resilient, and know that I will be alright. Good times are here and now it’s time to enjoy the fruits of my labour!
Well, I’m feeling pretty darn happy right now! Hubby and I are getting on a lot better and have been for the past several weeks. I think it has helped that I have been slowly coming out of my depression and not complaining about things so much. Instead of spending time feeling down, I have been just making myself busier and I feel a lot better as a result. At times things have been exhausting but I prefer to be busy and exhausted than bored and depressed.
I have also been seeing more people. I wouldn’t say I have a really active social life but on average I am seeing people once a week which is good. I feel like I want to see people again!
On the job front I have a second interview next week for a job I would REALLY love. We’ll see, but I feel a lot more chilled out about getting it or not getting it. I think the past few months of job searching have trained me to learn the art of patience and become more zen. I hope my relaxed state comes across with the interviewers.
Life has also been a little kinder – I got my friggin’ GREEN CARD and my life here is now settled (as in I know I won’t have to be leaving the country anytime soon)!!! This is a BIG weight off my chest and gives me the message that my life is now firmly rooted here.
It also helps that I have the option of definite part-time work (full-time if I wanted it). This makes me feel more human again. My usefulness quota is on the up again.
All in all, I have good vibes in me right now. Somehow I feel more connected with the universe. :-)
at the moment I’m just relaxing and listening to the radio and enjoying some herbal tea. I’m thinking about my goals. I’m putting off work but I am doing some useful stuff.
I cried briefly yesterday and I haven’t cried today. That is a good thing. A few days ago I was crying so hard my head was just pounding.
I said no to a family celebration today. Everyone will want to know why I’m not there, but I don’t care. I made my phone call and explained why so it doesn’t look like I’m being rude. I am glad I chose to stay away because I don’t feel up to socialising and celebrating other people’s stuff right now.
I feel in control when I lock myself away from other people. It’s weird, and I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. When I’m on my own I feel I can be myself, I don’t have to put on a pretty face or fake anything. I can just be tired or bored or unhappy or whatever and I don’t have to pretend.
I feel like I’m barely hanging on here.
I feel like I’m moving through treacle every day. I have no clarity.
There are people that care, but I don’t know how to reach out to them. When I am depressed I withdraw from everyone. I don’t have the energy to put on a brave face to them.
I know I need to bury myself in work and useful stuff, just to get by, but I feel it hard to even do that right now. I know my sadness is screwing things up, screwing up my chances.
Home life is horrible and there are wars every day. I can’t see what’s right or wrong anymore. I am a wreck but even wrecks can’t be blamed for everything.
I hope this gets better soon. I know in order to do that I’m going to have to pick myself up by my bootstraps and dig myself out of this hole. I know I’ll come back because it’s either that or just curl up and die, and I’ve come back before. But still. It’s easier said than done.
Instead of having just a “be more positive” or “be happier” goal on my list, I think I need to admit that I am depressed right now, and I do need to overcome this. I feel like I am floating aimlessly. Sometimes I just want it all to end. I feel numb inside and with little motivation. I need to find land again.