get over him

I fell in love with my life instead.

because I refuse to do it. I think about him a million times a day and I don’t even try to stop. I keep waiting for him, even when I’m living and having a lovely time without him I’m still waiting. And when he comes crawling back I let the little blood-sucker fall back into my arms. And I kiss him and hold him and love him while my dignity crumbles. He has this power over me… and I allow it. I know I deserve much, much, much better but… I can’t explain it: he is simply my weakness. He is so beautiful and artistic… even after I discovered he was just another teenage hornbag I still look at him with the same starry eyes I did at the very beginning, when he was the sweetest and loveliest boy I ever met. I keep foolishly believing that I will magically get over him once I start college in the fall.

I’ve never wanted anybody so badly in my entire life.

You should seriously stop making promises that you’ll break and inflating me with false hopes. Please stay or leave forever. Instead, you lead me in circles, disappearing every so often and then come crawling back to me with your kisses and smiles. I hate that you are so damned cute. But there’s something deep and intangible about you that makes all the bullshit you’ve been giving me for the past ten months worth it. There’s something in you that makes me hold on. I love you, and that is so depressing. I think about you everyday. Everything reminds me of us and I can’t take it anymore. Somebody please make this stop because I’m literally and physically breaking apart.

He keeps coming back everytime I start getting stronger, and I always let him in again. I can’t say no to him. I just can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I love him. I am so foolish for thinking one lovely, amazing night is worth weeks of heartache.

Still in love with him. I miss him madly. I want him all the time. I’m surrounded by songs and smells and places that evoke painful nostalgia. I have not seen the most beautiful boy in the world for a whole month. I hope I meant half as much to him as he was to me.

What an asshole.