be a better mother

Littler boy is out of school for the week, so I took the week off so we could just hang out and do stuff together. He has a lot of fun ideas, and we are enjoying each other’s company. He did Pilates with me today, and tomorrow, he wants to cut a water bottle in half and put rocks in it. Ooooookay. Normally I would have said no, that makes too much mess, whatever, but I’m really working on saying “yes” whenever I can.
I also heard a thing on NPR about someone talking about how a mother’s hand is always the symbol of nurturing. I don’t have a single memory of my mom that could be described as “nurturing.” I don’t want that for my kids.
I think after the new year I’m going to work on not raising my voice- at all, with the kids. When I hear men talk about their mothers as being gentle and kind, but firm, I totally want my boys to describe me that way. Right now, I think my boys, once men, would say, “She meant well, but had very little patience”

We’re have our Annual Meeting this Friday for the family, and that means allowance goes up, some rules get relaxed, and two little boys get a little happier. They barely even notice the amount of chores increasing! :)

Today it was just me and my stepson. Husband was working, my other boy was at his dad’s, so it was a rare occasion for the two of us alone. We went to a puppet show, I bought him a puppet because I’m a total sucker when it comes to that kid. We had a good time, and I totally melt every time he says, “I need to tell you something. I love you”

This morning, on the way to preschool:

“Why do we have to die?”
“When we’re in heaven, I guess our eyes will still be closed, because we’ll be dead, right?” and
“I bet Grandma will be in heaven soon. She’s pretty old”

7 o’clock is a little early for me to have that come out of nowhere. Great, well-thought, biblically sound responses came to me all day long, but early in the morning, when DEATH is on my four-year-old’s mind after a nice bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, I was at a bit of a loss.

The boys get 15 minutes of “talking” with each other before they go to sleep. We set a timer, and they are quiet when it goes off. Well, tonight they aren’t “talking” so much as making fake fart sounds and laughing hysterically. I’m pretending not to notice, they’re laughing harder than I’ve heard them laugh all week. Fart away, guys.

We had a fun night, we took a walk to the ice cream shop after dinner. The boys are always pretending to be chased by a “Mommy” which is a cross between a mummy and a zombie, I think, and so we ran and ran from the “mommy” and giggled and had fun. The boys were angels, and picked up trash on the way, made funny jokes that weren’t about passing gas- good times.

I got to thinking about why I respect and admire one of my parents and not the other. One of my parents is honest, responsible, well-read, disciplined and some other adjective I can’t put into words, but means never makes stupid decisions, doesn’t act impulsively, whatever.
My other parent is ruled by emotion, is selfish, lazy, takes no personal responsibility, doesn’t grow or learn anything new, is a slob, physically and emotionally.
If I need really good advice, I got to the first parent. The other one is warmer and more open, but if I say, “I’ve got a problem” all I will hear back is “I do too, but mine’s worse, let me tell you about it”
I want my boys to think of me when they need advice. I want to have a wide base of knowledge and experiences: intellectual, religious, cultural. I want them to use the right fork, know how to tip a valet, make a mean chili, invest in the stock market, choose their life partners well, go on mission trips to Africa, and do anything they want to because I somehow modeled it for them correctly and taught them without being an overbearing psycho about it. It’s just such a weird balance. Good thing they’re four, and I have a little time to work on it. Now, which fork is that again. . .

I feel like my default response is “no” but sometimes they’re asking to do cool, unusual things, and I knee-jerk a “no” when I should just say yes. I’m going to work on that this year. These guys are smarter and cooler than I give them credit for.