be a great mom

This time it was so great. She had a really, really good time. Smiled and laughed and generally enjoyed herself. We’ve been going on walks almost every day and she rode in the backpack again. That was good. Lately when I sing she says, “bird”...she wants me to sing “Blackbird” by the Beatles… It’s one of several songs she requests…but it’s just so sweet and cute that she wants to hear it.
xxoo

P

she wasn’t crazy about it though…we’re in a new class. I think the hardest thing sometimes is allowing her to be where she is emotionally and not trying to “change” her. We were in the water, in a new class and she wanted to nurse. She kept saying she wanted to and I kept saying no until eventually she cried… I’m not saying that it is my job to give her everything she wants, but I am saying that sometimes it is my job to listen to her. She continues to grow and learn and make my heart full every single day.

taking care of my daughter but I was working almost the entire time. We still managed to do fun stuff…went to train place, swimming, on walks to the fountain… I think it’s true that we do have to give to ourselves. I’m not sure how I’m going to squeeze time in right now but I know it is necessary. Speaking of which, we interviewed a baby/sitter today and took my daughter to the the play gym store in hopes of buying her a play set. Working and taking care of baby…so tired right now I could fall asleep at the keyboard.

(Which I did…it’s the next morning now!)

Take Care,

P

But today we went back to the trains in the morning, this time with Grandma in tow. She enjoyed it so much, then I worked the rest of the day until 6:30pm and intermittently my mom, my husband and a babysitter hung with her during the day. When I was playing with her at night she was so sweet, we set up the tracks and played with the trains in the living room. She is talking so much and her eyes have a new knowledge. I miss my baby but am so proud of her and glad that we have fun time every day. Tomorrow swimming.

“I walk on my own!” An end of an era! Now she doesn’t want to ride in the backpack but wants to brave long stretches of earth and concrete and stairs. She is determined to use her little legs. Mommy doesn’t get as much exercise, but it is so fun to watch her GO!

xxoo

P

in the morning…she rode as we all walked…then she took her own little legs in the evening and we walked around the neighborhood. She loved it so much. She’s learning about crossing the street. Today I have GOT to call a couple of pre-schools. It’s LA, competition is ridiculously fierce. GOD I wish we lived in a more homey place, where people were progressive, kind and loving—here you have to pay for those things. Jeez. Anyway she’s 18 months and I have to do it now. Her room is almost finished…It’s taken so long to do but we got the dark curtains so she can take naps in her room instead of driving around in Daddy’s car. YIPES! We’re trying to do everything right. She’s such a happy little girl. Sometimes I look at her and I think of my life when I was her age. I believe that my abuse started around this age…I can’t be sure but I think it did from all the information I’ve been able to gather. Sometimes I can’t imagine a childhood without horror, but I keep looking at her and she keeps growing and glowing and laughing and telling little jokes and talking up a storm. Everyone talks about it. The other morning she looked at me when she woke up and said, “Mommy, mommy, ever, ever, ever, ever, angel.” I’d just taught her about angels. To insure that she will not be hurt we’ve even done a living will that basically says that if my husband and I die, she will never never live with my Mom. My Mom is great, but she has a nasty habit of choosing abusive men. She can visit us alone any time she likes, but she can’t bring her current horror of a boyfriend. It’s just the way it is. I’m doing my very best to provide and make my daughter’s life better. Even my novel is to make our quality of life better. Enough…Papa’s making breakfast. I’m gonna go help.

xxoo

P

today the teacher said that she can move up a class. I’m so glad. Next series she’ll be in intermediate. My little swimmer! She had a great time, little pookah!

Took a long ride and checked out the new train place again. Very cool and she loved it. Met up with some friends so it was great.

Feel bad that she still has diaper rash. Feel so guilty about that and about working so much. Also, she likes juice and we’ve never really given her any but I did last night and this morning and she got diarrhea poor baby. Called the doctor and she said that sometimes babies have that reaction. I feel like a horrible mother…but I talked to a friend and he reminded me of all the stuff mom’s who work need to be reminded of so. I feel better but still worried. We’ve cut out the juice and now have a list of foods to give her to reduce the problem. Ah, well.

We’re almost done with her room. We’re on our third set of curtains…hopefully these will work. But I did find a new and fabulous rug on ebay that is brand new and PERFECT! She is an amazing little girl. I fight the demons of worry and fear. I am in so much fear that something bad will happen to her. Especially now that I am working on this project under deadline. I worry that my husband will make a mistake, that a babysitter will fail horribly in watching her and she will get snatched. I fear that someone will creep into her room at night. Fear, fear, fear…I am ruled by it. I had such a horrible childhood that sometimes I can’t imagine a happy one. I would give my life to ensure it…Please help me God. Please. I don’t want to infect her with this fear. AND guilt ain’t too pretty either. Carrying both how can I help but let some of that spill onto her. I don’t want to. I pray for answers.

xxoo

P

We went to the park today. I’ve had food poisoning so I haven’t been able to do much for that last few days. But I did organize our earthquake kit and purchased 20 2.5 galleons of water in that event as well. I’ve never had an earthquake kit in my life. I did it for one reason, my daughter.

xxoo

P

We went walking with the doggies this morning. Gave Papa a well deserved break. We looked at trees and fountains and lots of beauty. She had a good time.

Tomorrow swimming.