list (at least) 100 ways that I know there is a loving god/goddess/force operating in my life.

They both dressed as lions tonight. She’s nearly 20 months, he’s nearly 18. They were so cute…but after the Halloween fun ended and they were having dinner they started entertaining each other by beating on their trays like drums. They did it in turns like tom-toms and after each one finished, the other would just laugh and laugh and laugh. I thought when it was happening how different their childhoods will be than mine was. How lucky I am to be here to think and see that.

In my bleakest moments I think, let the others write it, let someone else tell it, let other people whisper through the gold dust of life, let them collect it on their fingers like pollen. Let them give fire to their dreams, let them accomplish, conquer, achieve, let them find peace and satisfaction in a job well done. I think, the demons are too hard to fight, they will not consume me but I cannot run out to meet them sword in hand. I think they will be content if I just stay here. Right here, my folded legs making an imprint in the grass, and watch the sun rise and set for another 6 or 7000 days, which will pass like weak coffee through my body. Maybe they will be content with a holding pattern, but as I say it I know that it isn’t true. Maybe we can’t hold anything, it just corrodes.

I don’t know how to win. And while I believe that God wants my victory, ain’t nobody going to fight my battles for me. In my bleakest moments I fear that I will never rise and by not doing so I have already failed. That, of course is my greatest fear. I suppose I write it here, under this goal because I want these feelings to evaporate. I want to be saved. I want, want, want to believe.

Sometimes I can’t wait for it to come to me, I have to go in search of reminders of God…
26. the breath coming into my lungs
27. and the feeling of music in my chest as air passes through
28. the blanket of gray thrown over the day
29. and the way it holds in heat and moisture and smells
30. the voice of my daughter
31. how it rises and falls like a funny song
32. my husband when he is happy
33. the way he smiles all lazy after we make love
34. an entire free day spreading before us
35. and a little daughter to show the world to

I finished part two of my novel. There has to be a God for that to have happened. Now I can only pray that that same God will walk with me the rest of the way.

xxoo

P

It’s knowing that God has given me the ability to feel pleasure. It took me a long time to learn that this was a gift from God. As an abuse survivor I fought long and hard to learn that my sexual responses were not bad or evil. I had to learn that looking a certain way did not cause anyone to harm me. That I did not DO anything…that it was another person’s sickness. After years and years of hating myself, of behaving inappropriately, cheating on partners, choosing horribly abusive people, I was able to get help. Through therapy and prayer I discovered joy. I learned that my sexuality was not a bad thing…it was a gift. So it’s going on my list.

xxoo

P

It is my favorite drink in the whole wide world. I am addicted to it and have one every day and my favorite local coffee shop. It is sweet and icy and has a great Chai-thang going on. I am grateful that someone thought it up and glad that it is in in world.

xxoo

P

I’ve met an amazing woman who’s also a Mom. We actually worked together years ago and met again in a coffee shop. Our children are about the same age and we have the same philosophy re child rearing & development. She has been a balm during these tough times and I feel that I have found a true and good friend. I feel as if she’s a little fairy person sent by the Universe. It feels good to be giving to her. I love her son as well.

Have gone down again…am submerged in writing. It is scary and wonderful. Not sure if I’ll make my deadline, but at least I am on the road. When pieces connect, when I find the right words I feel in sync with something greater than myself. I am in the flow of life.

Man oh man do we struggle sometimes. We can slip into warrior mode and battle the smallest things. But sometimes, like this moment, I am struck by the depth of our love. I admire and love him more than I can say. The force of that love, the motion of it running through my heart reminds me that there is a God.

Every morning my daughter wakes up by my side. (Soon we’ll move her to her bed full-time, now she only sleeps there half of the night.) She always has a little crooked smile on her face when she wakes. Always starts the day with new words she has learned, sprinkled generously with “Mommy.” The palm tree leans outside our bedroom. We have four glass doors in our room that open to the backyard. It’s Southern California, so the sun shines 90% of the time. Birds weave their music…the baby monitor is still sending recorded ocean sounds from my daughter’s room. There is a peace that radiates from my heart. I am open to all possibilities in the morning. I wake up with hope.