be a good mommy

I am really trying to make him understand that I’m not leaving. I’m here to stay and I’m here for him as well as for his dad. I love them both so much..but it seems like the closer I get to him, the more he pushes me away. It’s killing me it really is. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore…I just want him to know that I love him…it just seems like he doesn’t want to hear it. I’m really trying to keep faith and a prayer in my heart and I’m hoping that God hears it. This is my true wish for our little family.

I live in a state of “super moms” where if you are not part of a mommy and me aerobics class or a neighborhood mommy club that goes on twice a week outings with their kids, you are considered to be a boring, neglectful, and just plain uncaring mommy. The normal household here consists of two (at least) kids, possibly one on the way and more twinkling in daddy’s eye, a daddy that works way too much overtime (at least that’s the normal excuse for why they aren’t home), a mommy that wasted four or more years of her life getting a degree she’ll never use because now she stays at home breeding children. I am not normal because there is no daddy in my home to “bring home the bacon” so I work full time. Right there are two strikes against me according to law here. But… I am coming to realize that spending every waking moment with your kids isn’t what makes a good mommy. I split custody with their dad so there are days when I don’t even see them. There are days when all the kids do is watch t.v. because I feel like crap when I wake up. There are days that they are out of control (seemingly) and spend the day playing inside because I’d rather die than let the public see the way they’re acting that day!! But, at the end of every day I am with them, I read them a story, sing them a song, tuck them in, kiss their little heads and tell them I love them. And…no matter what kind of day we had… one full of shouting and time out or one full of outings and picnic lunch…they tell me they love me too. They are both so smart and articulate, well mannered (as in please and thank you), spunky, loving, affectionate… the list goes on. I think I am a good mom…on my way to becoming a GREAT mom. On second thought maybe I’ll keep this goal here. It will be one of my life’s ongoing goals.

two good things came out of my marriage. gregory and caydence. i know that just because he’s leaving doesn’t mean i am any less of a mommy. in fact, i think i’m better for not trying to hold on to something that 1. isn’t there and 2. is bad to have the kids around. they don’t need to see us fight all the time. so i guess the biggest question i have for myself is, “is this really what’s best for them?” and i think it most definitly is.

we’ve been making a lot of fun goodies lately. this is my son’s favorite one so far. we dyed the marshmallows with food coloring, and dyed some sugar blue for the outside of the snowman. we’re gonna make a train tonight or tomorrow…i hope it turns out as cute as this did!

YAY! we have a diagnosis. two bulging discs and very early stage arthritis in his back. now that we know what’s wrong with him we can sort of plan the next steps. do i get a full time job? a part time temp job? a job at all? he’s going back in march. and fortunatly it’s tax time! i realize i’ve been really hard on him lately and that i’ve been playing victim a lot more than i should. i mean…he didn’t get hurt on purpose and he really has been doing more than he should to help me out around here lately. i shouldn’t get so angry and sad…but it’s really hard sometimes. i think i do need to try harder to be a more understanding and patient wife. i’m trying i really am! as much as he is! we’ll get it together eventually. maybe even SOON. :)

I am very stressed out right now about our marriage. We’ve had several chances in the past to really pull ourselves out of the hole we’re in and it seems that when that happens…something happens to my busband to prevent him from continuing on in the job he’s found. I’m not blaming him for all our problems…but it’s really hard not to sometimes. I’ve been staying home taking care of the house and the kids for a little over 6 months now because his job was good enough to allow it. He’s now out because of a back injury and they don’t know yet if he’s gonna be able to go back yet. So…I’m trying to take care of everything around the house now WITHOUT his help because his back hurts and it’s really stressing us both out. When we find out this week if he can go back to work or not, I can make a plan to see if I need to get a job or not. I don’t know…it’s just hard to feel like I’m doing enough right now…

my culinary efforts are all seeming to be for not recently… with the exception of the pancakes below. we have food in my house…lots of it. but…my daugter sits on the floor with a roll of ham, no bread. and my son sits eating his ketchup and mustard sandwich, no meat. guess i’ll put away the mashed potatoes with mixed vegies and the fruit salad!!

yay!! they both ate an entire meal…though with some effort on my part to make the fare presentable.

I love my kids so much that it hurts me sometimes. My heart aches to see them sad or dissapointed or angry… I want to be able to give them the whole world! But the better thing to do, I think, is to just teach them what they need to know to get their own piece of it. The smallest things excite them, frighten them, make them laugh or cry or scream…and that’s part of being a kid and I know that. But lately, I find myself screaming at them when a simple “Baby, please put that down” would’ve done just fine. I can’t stop myself… I feel so stressed for no reason, I can’t seem to get my stuff together. I’ve seen my doctor and just started on Lexapro. I hear good things…I hate taking pills so much! But…I just don’t want to scream anymore….

Since it is the first of the month and that seems like a good solid starting date…I am going to try potty training once again. My son was doing very well but then decided he “doesn’t want to grow up” yet. I let him watch Peter Pan a few too many times. WISH ME LUCK!!!