Get over it

it’s not just the bad marriage i need to work through. it’s the rough spots of my life. i’ve pretty much moved past the relationship…i do still apologize way too much when i shouldn’t, and run in to make sure the kids aren’t getting in trouble for something silly, but i’m working on that too!

as for the childhood part…i can make love with the lights on now, i can undress in front of him without flinching if he sits up, i can leave the bathroom door unlocked, and i can sleep with the door open. maybe they sound like simple things, but it’s take me nearly 20 years to get here.

in light of my upcoming birthday, i’m taking a look at these goals and realizing that a few…like this one…are closer to being reached than i ever thought possible.

thank you to all who gave a kind word, or offered a shoulder when i needed to fall apart. i hope to do the same for you one day.

the more i think about it, and write about it to “get my feelings out of me and onto paper”...the more it turns into this consuming, gripping, thumping, pounding, nauseating, dizzying emptiness and i just get numb. even now, i can see the letters forming words but my hands are like stone on the keyboard. i’m trying to take myself to a place in my head where no one has ever hurt me, no one made me sad, no one violated my love or trust…but i can’t find that place anymore. it’s all emptiness, except for the weight in my hands.

i can’t go back to fix it, i can’t give anymore to make it last, five years…the only things i have to show for it are two beautiful kids, he’ll move out hopefully soon…i can’t deal with him still being here throwing in my face how much he doesn’t love me anymore, five years…how can i make this stop hurting? how can i get this voice out of the back of my head telling me i’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough. how can i stop being so scared? so lonely? can i come out of this stronger, not jaded by it? aye yi yi…

Edit: i forgot…he’s a huge gaming geek and is upset that i don’t share in that. he wishes i was more involved and more interested in dungeons and dragons i guess. i’ve played with him and his group the last few times but i just can’t get into it. so i chose this picture since it’s some sort of winged elf or something and looks like it’s straight out of his d&d crap. it’s a “break her heart” spell. :P