be honest with myself and others

I still lie to my friends and family even though I say I’m being 100% honest about “things”.

Lovely.

1. I have given up boys completely
2. I weigh 145 pounds.
3. My BFF and I have actually been spending a lot of time together and I don’t think her financee will break us up.
4. I hate my job more than ever and I am not trying to do better, be productive, etc…
5. 16-year-guy is gone forever…no more contact, never to be heard from again. By my request!
6. I am STILL $50K in debt!
7. My immediate family just doesn’t exist as a unit anymore. I mean my mom and dad do but that’s it.
8. Still showering (I know everyone is relieved about this one.)
9. DO NOT EVER want to get married or have kids.
10. I like being honest here but I need to be more honest in “real life”. I’m doing better but…

to my mother about how much debt I was in…I told her $0.

Here’s some updates after I got honest with myself and others:

1. My BF and I broke up.
2. I weigh 150 pounds. This is not good and it doesn’t matter if I say I’m seven pounds more or not.
3. My BFF got engaged to her BF so now I have to accept and pray he doesn’t take her away from me.
4. I hate my job still but I am TRYING to do more. For example, I cleaned out a lot of my office and completed SOME of the 100s of projects I need to finish. Today I am going to do some filing and recycling.
5. My true love and I have ended our 16 year “friendship” after I told him how I really felt. It was the right thing to do…but I am grieving, really really grieving.
6. I’m still $50k in debt.
7. My immediate family still doesn’t care about one another.
8. I have been better about showering b/c I found this gel stuff that makes my skin really super soft afterwards.
9. I still don’t want to get married or have kids.
10. Honesty is tough but it cleanses the soul, helps you move on with your life and makes living a little easier (tough at times but easier).

my boyfriend and I broke up and I know it’s the right thing for me but I feel like a giant asshole. He thinks that I am breaking up with him for so many other reasons than the truth. The truth is that I just want to be by myself and take care of myself. I swear that’s the truth (even though I wrote about the passion thing earlier). Why is that so wrong? Why does he think he can “fix” me? I hope he leaves me alone and stops calling and yelling soon. It makes me nervous.

I need to be honest with myself about some things so I am just going to spill it all out here and maybe it will relieve me in some way or get me motivated to fix if see it “out there”...

1. I love my boyfriend of two years. He’s the only nice guy I’ve ever gone out with (in 20 years of dating) that treats me with respect and love. I’m not “in love” with him. I feel no passion for him, good or bad. I hate myself for this.

2. I am seven pounds heavier than I admit to being.

3. I don’t like my BFF’s boyfriend b/c I am afraid he’s going to “take her away from me”.

4. I have committed to doing one thing a day (ONE thing) at work. I HATE my job and where I work, but this makes me feel like sh*t.

5. I think I am waiting for my true love of 16 years to get a divorce and tell me he loves me and wants to be with me. This is not going to happen.

6. I am $50k in debt.

7. My immediate family is falling apart because we all act like everything is perfect all the time but we are all having HUGE crises at the moment. I also don’t think we care enough about each other to want to help…we enjoy seeing each other stumble and fall…and fail.

8. I don’t like taking a shower every day because it makes my skin too dry and itchy and it flakes off. This is gross but this is the truth.

9. I don’t want to get married or have kids.

10. I don’t like honesty.