and I am NOT going to let it control my life anymore!
prttynpoplr has written 9 entries about this goal
For some reason today, I’m so disconnected…so sad. I feel like I’m grieving for some reason. Am I grieving “him”? Am I grieving “him”? Or “him”? Am I grieving for myself? I’ve spent my entire life saying horrible things to myself…I’m too fat, too ugly, not good enough, too this, too that. MY WHOLE LIFE. I guess I’m grieving my youth b/c it’s gone and I wasted it by making sure I always remembered how horrible I was. I feel like the opportunity to make things right with myself is over b/c I’m too old to start over. (Maybe the thought of my upcoming birthday is causing me to over-reflect.)
Maybe I haven’t grieved enough, maybe I haven’t allowed myself to say “you know what, pnp? that was a horrible experience and you deserve to be sad or angry…for as long as you need to.” All the people I’ve lost, all the abuse I endured, all the failures I’ve experienced…it’s a lot. It’s too much. I know “Mistakes are the price we pay for a full life” but I feel like I’ve made too many mistakes and not done enough to apologize for those mistakes.
I don’t know, you know. It’s up and down…every day. Up and down.
and yesterday, I have been very paranoid of everyone and everything. I feel like everyone is out to get me. My job and boss are trying to sabatage my self-esteem and career, by keeping me away from everyone. My friends don’t think I am good enough to be with. I am never anyone’s “first choice”, you know what I mean? My BFF has SO MANY new “great friends” (her fiancee’s), I think she rarely thinks of me at all. Everyone thinks they are better than me and people say mean things to me to make sure I never feel good about myself. My life is crumbling…
I’m spiraling deeper and deeper down into a hole. I can’t deal with anyone or anything. I can no longer function. I just want everyone to stop talking to me. My parents don’t know or care what I’m going through. My ex keeps threatening me and nagging me with “whys” and “don’t understands”. LEAVE ME ALONE! I am literally dead inside…of the desire to live life, of emotions, of hopes and dreams for my future. There is no way to get better. You have to be addicted to drugs and/or alcohol to get any sort of decent treatment. I would just get locked up in an insane asylum. I am literally going crazy…my mind is literally slipping away.
is bullshit…I am so down about so many things. And here’s the bullshit part: I’m going to Europe on Thursday!! WTF??? Hello??? Grateful???? How much of a bitch am I, I ask you.
Here are the things that I am upset about:
I am really in debt and I REALLY don’t know what I am going to do about it. I would get a Home Equity Loan and pay it off that way but my damn dad is on my mortgage and he has to be consulted about everything. I’m not 9.
My ex-BF is drving me CRAZY!!!! One minute he understands what I’m going through and the next, he’s threatening to kill himself b/c his “life revolves around me”. Scary. AND this confirms the fact that I do NOT want to date (for now) nor to I EVER want to get married.
I can’t lose weight around my midsection. It’s like I’m wearing a floatie. I eat well and I do ballroom dancing three-four times a week and the other times I running around my house. WTF???
I’m upset about my most recent point in my Pain Timeline. He just didn’t care that we would never see each other again. He’ll never give me another thought. That’s awesome.
My skin looks terrible. It peels off in SHEETS (I’m serious, is anyone familiar with this??) and I have spots all over! There’s no color…no glow.
I hate that I don’t do anything creative all day. I sit at my desk and waste away. And I can’t find another job because I am chained to my debt.
I’m having trouble finding investors for my lifestyle consulting business. Going into business for yourself is like a life-long ordeal. I’ll be 100 years old when it gets up and running at this point.
very hopeless today. More so than usual…
I’ve just be reading about Paxil withdrawal and it’s making me freak out! I want to get off of it but it’s going to take me a year and my life is going to hell the entire time? Is this true? Can someone provide me with some insight please?? I’m so pissed off at my doctor for putting me on this!
I really want to stop takin my meds and take some natural supplements instead. Is anyone doing this and has a combo that is working that they would like to share. I think the meds have stolen my “juju” (see my 43Things).
and I mean EVERY NIGHT, I dream that people either don’t like me, want to avoid me at all costs, HATE me or like I’m not good enough to be around. Most of the time the people in my dreams are people I know (and they are from different times in my life) but the message is always the same…NO ONE LIKES YOU! I wake up so sad and want to hide all day. Boo.
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