Do Something Scary Everyday!

Today I woke up nervous because its Christmas, a decidedly tough day of service. The DR is not fun for me on Christmas: too much drinking! Not enough being good company! Ben and I took a safe bet and are at the beach this Christmas. The delicious fish, the beautiful views, and the sailboats make missing the fam a little easier and the DR holiday style easier to bear.

This is a huge challenge for me. When someone challenges me, and I mean in any way shape or form, I turn into a puddle of disrhythmic heartbeats, sweat, and fishbowl eyes.

So yesterday, one of of my fellow 43things users emailed me a rude comment, and whereas I would have normally swallowed my reaction in guilt and embaressment, I emailed back explaining myself (a little curtly). Next up, yelling at the cars that attempt to hit me as I walk accross the street in the city du jour of gun violence. But I figure, I need to grow some heart and why be silent? Speaking up is my right (especially when almost being mowed down)!

Many scary things have happened lately. I took the GRE. I was so scared that I would fail! And this goal is about surmounting the little things that get in our way everyday. Did fine, now its all about finding a PhD program for me. I’m interested in horticulture or environmental science.

I work in sales. Great, aren’t I a winner? Well learning to sell something is scary. I challenge people to learn to do it. I went to a training last week with all these other salespeople and I had to roll play the sales pitch and dude, it was scary because I don’t like being away from my partner for days at a time in lame conference rooms packed with salespeople, trying to be amicable. Plus, I don’t really like selling stuff. But I am concurring these feelings and growing my personality is nice. Salesmanship is certainly a handy skill.

I’m doing the Broad Street run in May and the Self challenge now. I wish cardio was as easy as signing up for stuff. PS Is it normal to be scared of exercise? I quake in my snowshoes when I think of lugging my weight up and down a street past people I even get scared just thinking my roommates will catch me attempting to exercise to a video in the privacy of our living room. I guess my bad habit of teasing people haunting me. Here’s to hoping most people are nicer than me.

moving to a new city is scary. most people do not leave the area they were born in let alone travel across their continent. check the stats. becoming a part of the consciousness of a new place is challenging and at times, scary!

a) I should learn to spell scary.
b) Gaining weight it scary. Buying new clothes in bigger sizes in scary. Being comfortable with that is way scarier.
c) New salesy job is not very scary, but sometimes being stressed feels as if scared.

so i have a profile on myspace. there should be a support group for people who do this. i do it to keep up with bands and establish a little homebase on the web for myself. i like to think that it would be cool to have old people i love recontact me or people who lose me as i move about the world have a tidy little spot to always find me in. But, it can be scary to get those dreaded emails from the past… the past, like Jaws, can pop out of a serene ocean where one might be idly fishing as the sun sets, and eat you whole. Submerging you in memories and situations so hard-won let past.

But I must preservere. (what is it about the 10 years out of high school thing that makes people think its time to dig you up on myspace?) Those gems that find their ways back into my pockets are worth it! And fear of crummy flash-backs should not guide one’s choices.

I get sort of an anxious when I have to evaluate where I’m going and where I want to go. Are they necessary?

It was just a little jog in Fairmount, but I feel accomplished. I was sitting here at my computer, as usual, when extreme back pain hit. I did a tiny bit of yoga and a tiny bit of abs, to no avail! Slovenly couch potato that I am, these muscles were spasming in revolt to my back being too weak… so I put on my running shoes and my heart rate monitor and went for a 10 minute jog. I know, not much, but it was as much as I could handle… and I feel pretty good having done it. Running scares me!

I’m not very good at being less-than-expected with a boss, but I had to let the bakery lady know that I need to find more gainful employment… and it was scary. Would have defnitely been easier to tell her when said employment was in hand, but I figured, when it comes to staffing… more notice is better than less. She was so offput, because who likes to hear that they can’t/don’t pay enough to support your life? and of course, she doesn’ like to hear that less than month after hiring me. Still, I feel that when it comes to jobs, sometimes you really have to try it out before you can definitively say whether it meets your needs. I love my job, and if things were going better for my life partner, I would prolly be able to stay. I just wish she had presupposed that all the factors in my life were not her business, and hadn’t insisted on getting that little bit out of me. Oh well, the talk was scary, but I think I did the right thing by telling her I’m going back on the job-finding circuit, even if it ended up being a little humiliating to do so.