Do things that intimidate me

dog park today with my dogs.

until well beyond being ready to collapse during my yoga class today. Same thing with the core work. I focused on breathing because if I think too much I tense up and my brain gets the best of me.

Started taking medication to regulate my sleep. I am very against taking any medicine unless it is absolutely necessary.

Went to a difficult yoga class.

Cooked for my roommates.

Let someone else take care of me.

Medication is part of my trauma and I finally agreed to take it while I am in therapy. The first month was rough but I am now feeling much better – sleeping again and much less anxious.

I am starting CBT for my PTSD/Depression on Monday and had a royal meltdown today. Afterwards I felt way better. I come from a emotionally cold family in which people don’t cry or show much emotion over anything and I have discovered that I am a very emotional person which isn’t always a bad thing.

Trying to get into touch with it is a really painful journey.

One of the signs that I am starting to spiral down is that I give up on cooking and taking care of myself. A few bad cooking experiences and I basically give up on it, same with exercise.

Not this time! Going to do everything I can to keep myself healthy.

I used to feel the need to explain myself for every little blip and now I keep it minimal because the people who demand an explanation are rarely people who care about me.

I had one of those childhoods in which everything just went wrong and in all of the midst of my parents fighting over their divorce and being put into government custody I got forgotten about. I have chronic PSTD which I am starting Cognitive Behavior Therapy for in a few weeks and I have been really determined to write a memoir for other people with the same condition cope a little better. Everytime I sit down and write I dissociate so much I get really intense headaches that literally make it hard to think and make my senses 100000000 more sensitive. Have at least 120 pages of memoir written and lots of editing and broadening of subjects and events. Then I have to find someone who wants to publish it. Then I want to become a best seller and never have to work another day in my life.

Today I went to one of the top salons in the city and let two of their artists go wild with my hair and boy did I turn out hot!

Mostly I don’t tell people that I have PTSD because it is on a need to know basis and not everyone on that basis reacts well to it. Some people get the wrong idea about it, like I have a virus or something and in the future I need to set the record straight instead of letting people walk all over me without saying anything. We all have things we struggle with and PTSD is one of mine. I don’t ask for sympathy I just want to be accepted for who I am.