be a succulent wild woman

dear heart:

how are you nowdays?

you’ve been pretty quiet lately; it worries me.

i know that last time you said something to me i told you to shut up.

it’s been pretty crazy.

it’s hard.

i imagine it’s hard to be you.

i miss you whispering in my ear…i miss hearing your crazy loud voice.

and i’m sorry i yelled at you the other day; i just needed time; time to accept you and to learn from you or about you.

i needed to let go; and i know you were trying to help but i just couldn’t understand you.

i am ready to have a conversation now…

i feel like i could finally listen to you.

i could finally let you guide me…fearlessly.

i’m sorry it took this long.

i appreciate the note you left me the other day…

and the song you helped me write.

i want to talk; you know me better than anyone.

you and me know that we life could be tricky.

thank you for sticking up with me all these years…

don’t hide from me anymore.

i need you.

guide me.

-soul.

dear soul:

i never left; i was never mad…or hurt.

you just stopped listening. it happens.

i’m glad you’re back.

are you ready?

life awaits.

-heart.

i can’t be pinned to a wall; the same way that if you touch a butterfly; even if you do it gently…you automatically hurt it…same with me.

even if i feel like i’m where i’m supposed to be; soon i just get lost again…and found and lost…i’m crazy.

it’s me.

i don’t know how to explain it; oh…i read this poem today…and it clicked, i think there’s no other way to describe it; i’m IN everything and I LOVE everything; i see beauty in the ugliness; i see more than what people think i see; i feel EVERYTHING and give everything; i walk in POWER because i AM powerful; i get defeated and hurt and I LOVE THAT TOO; because i know it’s only making me stronger…i am everywhere, in your tears, in a child’s smile, in disasters and peaceful afternoons; in a cup of tea, in the eyes of the one you love, in the rain, i’m in the dark side of the ocean when you no longer feel or see the sand, in a shooting star and you are there too…it’s crazy…but i am…i am where you take me; i am where i want to go…i am you and you are me; and we are EVERYTHING…

see you tonight; in the meteor shower.

anywho, this is what i read that opened my imagination to the craziness i wrote above:

(thanks eri)

If its wild to your heart, protect it.

Preserve it. And fight for it,

and dedicate yourself to it…

It doesn’t matter if its wild to anyone else:

If it’s what makes your heart sing,

if it’s what makes your days soar

like a hawk in summertime, then focus on it.

Because for sure, it’s wild.

And if it’s wild, it’ll mean you’re still free.

No matter where you are.

- Rick Bass, Wild to the Heart.

my hair in LONG, too long.

my cat’s huge now.

i moved out of my parent’s house into my own place…i have 2 roomates.

1 of them always leaves the tv on at night and it pisses me off…the other one, is slowly stealing my heart.

i hate driving in the morning.

i hate mornings.

work it’s intense…my rollerdex thing is breaking. too many contacts…contacts i don’t CONTACT.

it’s amazing to me how much shit we have that we don’t even use…

i have 153 numbers in my cellphone, i counted them the other day while i waited for coffee; i only dial about 5 of those…

and then my closet….FULL of clothes i only wear about 10 outfits from all of those.

maybe i should get rid of all my shit…start new…BRAND new.

so i heard scientist have figured out a way to teleport things…i think of THE JETSONS…it’s weird…teleporting…no more traveling..no more sight scene…it’s freaky. sometimes, technology scares the shit out of me.

so, i left alcohol behind, i haven’t been sick or hung over for sooo long; although i still drink but it’s so different now; now i don’t NEED to.

been broke is not an excuse, a lot of people say that they don’t do certain things because they’re broke…bullshit.

it just takes a little bit of researching and imagination to be able to have fun with or without money and that includes gifts and so forth.

think about when we were kids, we didn’t have any money; yet life was so much fun.

one more thing;

mushrooms with butter and wine sauce are delicions.

pms sing sometimes it’s just a manipulative tool or an excuse to act like a bitch.

and….

no, i think that’s it.

for now.