Stop binge eating

The summer break was officially over last week and I’m already a wrek.
I was good with food, at the office, I also managed to cope fairly well with this spiteful collegue of mine: I hate her and she has a knack for getting on my nerves. But I did good.
It was yesterday that I lost control – total control. I’ve been binging since yesterday, everything looks grim and I lack energy.
I spent most of the morning at the hospital: I needed to take some tests and the doctors were not only impolite, but unprofessional: this doctor didn’t even care to ask if I had any symptoms, and the test was incomplete too.
Feeling very frustrated and worried (it’s my health we are dealing with!) I went home and was already down.
In the afternoon I went to my family doctor, had to wait like two hours in the waiting room, and early on Monday morning I’ll have to take more tests.
In addition to this, as I was at the hospital, I got two work-related phone calls that both upset me.

So, I just relapsed into binge eating. It was not as bad as it used to be (not at all!!!) I would not even call it a binge episode, I just overate. No throwing up (it’s been a month now, or maybe more, and it was a hude step forward!). But still, I feel so bad, especially physically. I’ve eaten too much.

There’s nothing I can do about it right now, but I can take some exercise, maybe go to the pool, and wait until I digest everything and feel a little bit better.

Regarding prevention:
This all was a consequence of my lack of control over the events I had to deal with. I need to be in control of my life and do what I choose to do. I need to defend my power over my life.

Medical check-ups are necessary, especially because there’s something wrong with me, I have pain, my blood tests do not look good, and doctors say I should undergo an operation. So, all the checkups and second opinions.

However, I believe that a better quality of life can help me much more than all the s*t I have to take every time I go to the hospital or talk to unsympathetic doctors/nurses (there are so many of them!!!).

And, I also need to work out some coping strategies when I get upset. I cannot expect nothing and nobody will ever upset me, so I’ve gotta find a way to cope with it, without resorting to binge-eating or self-sabotaging behaviours.

Today I have the whole day for myself. I can try and find a little bit of balance, relaxation, and eat healthy, at least for the remaining of the day.

Things need to change. I need to change so as to finally be my true self.

The day was rather good, I exercised and chatted with four guys and three girls, which was nice and made me feel good.
I worked as well, but I should have done more. I’m a little bit stuck with my research. This was the only thing upsetting me yesterday (and today as well..).

MC contacted me repeatedly online, when I was away. As I came back, I answered to him, but honestly I’ve run out of words. Our relationship is over, I mean I’m not even interested in chatting with him once in a while. I thought he had changed and I believed in him. What a disappointment! I don’t like him anymore. I did my best to find a way to communicate with him, but all I get from him is scorn and disrespect. I don’t want that, and I’m glad to say I don’t feel anger or resentment against him, I just don’t care anymore. I want to let him go and move on once and for good. I know he’ll come back over and over again: he’s like a leech sucking up my blood. I make him feel manly, I make him feel desirable and sexy and I make him self-confident because I gave him power – absolute power over another human being (me!). He beats me up in return, taking my self-esteem to incredibly low levels. So, why shouldn’t he come back? Of course he will, any time he needs to re-fuel his self-image. Same old story. I’m fed up. Enough is enough.

So, I’m fine(once again!) with never seeing/talking to him again.

However, in the evening, loneliness came back and I was feeling empty, I had this urge to order in pizza or to cook one. I did neither. Instead, I had herbal tea to help me unwind and relax for a good night sleep.
I slept all right.

So I’m glad. I didn’t binge and had healthy food instead. All I had when I felt like bingeing was a few low-fat and low-calories biscuits. That’s all. I did good.

Today feels tougher tough. I feel weak, maybe I shouldn’t push myself too hard and give myself a break from my research. Maybe I should focus on doing something that makes me feel good about myself.

I get it. It has very little to do with food in itself. It has to do with control over my own life.
I need to take control of my life. This is my moral duty. Be the one in charge. I cannot force people to like me or love me, therefore I’ve gotta go on with my life and be the one to make plans, be proactive, be constructive.

I acknowledge that in the past 20 years, I put my well-being in other peolpe’s hands. I refer to men. I usually fall in love with someone who doesn’t give a damn about me and, depending on how much he seems to be interested in me, I do my best to look good (read: lose weight) or destroy every speck of well-being that I might have.

For example: if he (whoever that may be – men change but my behavioural patters stay the same) wants to see me, I stop eating, I go shopping for new clothes, get my hair done, clean my place, etc. If he keeps me at a distance, I binge, I don’t take care of my place, of myself, and I often actively find ways to hurt myself (like body cutting).

During the usually long periods when the relationship is over and I feel utterly miserable, I make my life horrible, by punishing myself and not taking care of anything.

Things change dramatically the moment I meet someone I like again. That’s the time when I make whatever sacrifice it takes to be and look at my best. The guy will most probably just mercilessly take advantage of me, making me feel disgusting and worthless, and the vicious circle starts again.

20 years of this wear you off. I did have some breaks, when I was with loving partners. How easy life seemed to be at those times!! But those were exceptions. Now the rule is: self-punishment by means of abusive guys and binging/purging, or worse.

As I see it, the way out is right here: all I have to do is take care of myself and keep abusive guys at bay. Get rid of them altogheter.

MC is the first I need to let go.
Then I’ll buy myself a new wardrobe, I’ll spend time to make my place look good, and I’ll make a list of things to do and people to see that make me feel good about myself.

Once I’ve done this, I will have no more excuses, and I will have to be happy!

Love will follow. I’m sure about that. And even if it doesn’t, that’s OK. I want to be at peace with myself. Being at peace with myself without being ashamed of what I am: sounds good enough for me.

I have to get rid of my shame: I am ashamed of the things I have done sexually, I am ashamed of being so caught up in abusive relationships, and I am ashamed of the life I lead.

I can put all this behind me, and start again. Oh God, I hope it is not too late. I want to live the rest of my life in peace and harmony. I want the sun to shine over me. I want to be happy every morning as I step out of bed. I want to look around and see beauty and lightheartedness.

There may be a lot of misery in the world, and I am perfectly aware of that. I am powerless over the world’s misery. There is an antidote though, and I hold the key to it. I cannot solve every problem on earth, but I can make AT LEAST my life good and dignified.

I cannot save the world, but I can save MY world. Or at least I can try. I want to do something good with my life. Self-sabotaging my health and my self-respect is an unforgivable sin.

I’m starting over.

Did not go very well.
I binged twice and threw up once.
It was all right until about 4pm, when I felt overwhelmed.
As usual, the moment right before the binge starts, it seems harmless…just a bite or two, how bad can it be? don’t I deserve to enjoy food a little bit? something sweet might give me the energy I need. It really seemed harmless. And then, as soon as I open the refrigerator, the nightmare begins. I stuff myself with all the food I can get my hands on, preferably high in fat and calories.

I know what triggered the crisis. It is the people/events that make me feel inadequate and worthless. But I cannot kill those people, right? I have to live with them, with their attitude, with their spite, with their envy. Binging is not a solution. Binging is their ally. Binging is the real enemy.

I also know what I should have done instead: I should have meditated and let go. I heard a voice in my mind urging me to meditate, but I dismissed it as an unnecessary precaution, so anxiety built up, and up, and up. And then exploded into a binge episode.

It goes without saying that, after the binge episode, all went pear-shaped. I did not even go to swim.

I’m not giving up.
Tomorrow I’ll start again. Tomorrow will be better.

This is the plan:
work, home, work, TV, 43T, meditation.
Unfortunately I’ll be very busy working so I won’t have many chances to unwind. But I won’t have much time to binge either.

This whole situation scares me. I feel powerless. I’m trembling inside. Getting fatter and fatter day after day. It’s become hard to find clothes that fit me. I feel heavy and weak. Oh so weak.

Tomorrow will be better.
Here’s a crazy idea: what if I woke up at 6.30 and went jogging from 6.40 to 7.40? Hmm… I like that. I might give it a try.

If I succeed in staying binge-free for the next three weeks no matter what, I’ll mark this goal as “done”.

I’m gonna do this simply because I have challenged myself. God, I hope it works!