On how high you think of yourself depend lots of important choices that eventually determine one’s life in many respects. For example, the opinion you have of yourself will determine what kind of clothes you buy and how you get dressed. Many times I did not buy a nice looking outfit because it was too expensive (even though I could afford it), and even more often, the good-quality clothes I do occasionally buy lie in my wardrobe, because I’m afraid if I wear them I’ll wear them out. So they stay in my closet for years, until they are out of fashion enough so that I feel comfortable wearing them.
Oh God, I do have a big problem with self-esteem!!
Another direct consequence of one’s own opinion of themselves, is the people one hangs out with. Their social and educational level, and consequently their wealth.
I’ve always been with people lesser than me. Less well-off, less educated, from a social background inferior to mine.
Now, this calls into question a prejudice-kind of dilemma: I do not want to avoid people just because they do not come from the right social background. But why do I always end up with them??
Here’s the answer: I treat myself very unkindly, and people perceive that, so I look and ‘feel’ less than I am. So people from my same social status do not perceive me as their equal.
Again, this has nothing to do with any kind of prejudice, I’m just wondering why I have never ever had a friend from the same social background as myself.
Third direct consequence: one’s expectations on how to be treated by others. I feel like a beggar inside. Whatever people throw at me, in terms of friendship or relationships, I crave it, appreciate it and feel enormously thankful for it – even if they are not being respectful or even if I’m not interested in what they have to offer.
I’m almost 37 now. I am sorry I only now got to realize how badly I’ve led my life so far. I’ve made so many mistakes and keep doing them over and over again. The big step forward was realizing what it is that is wrong with me inside. However, it seems to be too little too late. I’m 37 damn it!
It’s not going to be easy to change, but I need to change, I cannot go on like this. MC has literally crushed my self-esteem and turned me into a pathetic and filthy being – someone I’m ashamed to be. I am so ashamed of what I made him do to me. My only excuse is my lack of self-esteem. I want to fix that. I think I can be better than this, I can be so much more, and there are still so many things in my life that I can conquer. I’m 37 all right, I’m not 80!
I can see how much I am improving. Since last year I’ve come a long way: I do sports, I have friends and acquaintances, I’ve stopped throwing up, my eating habits are getting better, I’m more focused on myself and on figuring out what I truly want, I avoid people that do not treat me good enough, I’ve become more aware of what happens to me.
I know I’ve said this a million times, but it is paramount I let MC go. I’m purposefully avoiding thinking about him altoghether. He must become a closed chapter in my life. He already is, since our last conversation last night.
No more pondering is he a good guy is he a bad guy. He is BAD for ME! That’s all I need to know. How hard can it possibly be to get that and act accordingly??
