overcome bulimia

So I’ve finally bitten the bullet and checked myself into an eating disorder outpatient program. So far nothing seems to have changed, but it’s only been a couple weeks. My psychiatrist prescribed me Abilify to help with my anxiety and impusivity, but there’s an insurance problem so I have to call on Monday and get that straightened out. But yeah. I’ll keep you all posted.

I’ve worked so hard this summer to beat this disease, and while I know I’ve made progress, I know even more that I’m nowhere near being okay. Binges have gone down from five times a day to once or twice every couple days. Like I’ll have three good days, and then the next two days I’ll eat and puke a couple times. Sometimes I’m able to not puke, but I can’t seem to stop the binging. It’s all or nothing with me – I either binge or I starve. Why can’t I find a happy medium? I just want to be normal!!

I was good yesterday. I thought things were looking up. I was wrong.
But I guess one day is a start. If I can finish up the week being good, then that’s two days. And then maybe I can do three days.
One day at a time I guess. I just wish they could be consecutive days.

Now that my bank account is pretty much empty and I’m incredibly behind on my school work, I’ve finally accepted that my bulimia has wrecked havoc on more than just my body and that I really need to do something about it.
Well I don’t have any more money, so I can’t buy any more binge food, so that helps.
But in addition, I’m going to an ED support group meeting on Monday night.
One of the school assignments that I’m behind on is an article for my Journalism 1 class about eating disorder services on campus. We really don’t have much, but I have three days to figure out what we do have and what people think about them. Maybe that’ll be helpful, in that at least I’ll know I have options besides going to Cambridge once a month. But so far, with it hanging over my head, it’s just been triggering. I probably should have picked another topic. But oh well. Too late now.
I’m also going to try and start going back to the gym, doing something good for my body instead of this harmful behavior. The plan is to go on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. So I’ll start tomorrow (today, technically). Let’s see how long that lasts.

I spent $100 on food today, which of course I purged. I think this is the most I’ve ever spent on food on on day. I guess the good news is that I now only have like $60 left in my checking account, which has to last me until the end of the month, so binging will be somewhat restricted just because I won’t be able to buy as much food. Plus I have a lot of things I need to get done this weekend and next week, so maybe I just won’t have the time to binge? Here’s hoping.