overcome anxiety

All the trains were backed up, 10, 15, 20 minutes behind schedule. At 5:30pm, the height of rush hour. The platforms were PACKED with hot, frustrated commuters. It was like 100 degrees.My anxiety was really revving up.But I just clutched my bottle of water and said to myself, “everything is GOING TO BE OK.” I’m still trying to stay calm but the summer heat is a huge trigger for me I’m learning.

This change is an adventure. I can’t even deny how scared I feel. Everything is completely new to me. I am so afraid. No matter how hard it is, I can’t let being afraid stop me from living, and from trying.

So I accepted my first full-time job with the State, and moved far away from the city in exchange for a paycheck I can live on. It was a definite trade.

When I first came here, I did not know anyone. I had to find everything all over, as basic as just finding my way to the grocery store.

At my job, I’m learning how to do everything, and in some ways I feel like I’m just being thrown into it, even though more experienced employees are giving me lots of guidance and advice.

I feel a growing mix of emotions ranging from total excitement over this new job and new environment to total fear and terror that I may fail. I’m experiencing so many firsts. Besides a new job and new apartment and new town and a new bank and a new doctor, it’s the first time I’m cooking every meal for myself, and the first time in my life where every item in the fridge is there because I bought it myself.

There have been moments where I have felt entirely overwhelmed by this, and have often thought maybe I can’t handle this. Maybe I should resign from my job, throw in the towel, go back to where I came from, and forget any of this ever happened. Give up.

I don’t want to do that. I’m not going to do that.

I’m going to stick with it and go with the flow. I’m not someone who gives up. So my old life is over. That means I need to figure out how to enjoy this new life in this new area. I need to be confident and stay focused, and make the transition from just surviving to thriving here in this place.

I want to meet new people and new friends. I want to socialize and have fun. I want to excel in my job. I want to figure out what else I want, and figure out how to go for it. I want to feel in control of this, and stable and safe and secure in this. Maybe that happens in time.

I want to save money so I have a few thousand in the bank by the end of the year. I want to discover all of what this community has to offer, and make the very most of it. College was constantly hard and so much work, and now it looks like that was nothin’. I’m finding that up to now, this change is the hardest challenge I have ever faced in my life. It is so hard, and so scary.

But isn’t life about facing challenges and overcoming them? Isn’t that what survival is? Isn’t life about discovering the opportunities hiding within those challenges?