forgive myself

it’s not easy. It isn’t easy at all. Some days are less difficult than others, and other days I don’t know if the pain will ever stop, and I feel like the world is my enemy. But I finally do forgive myself, even if some others will not. That’s what’s important.

I saw my therapist and showed her a book of poems I had written. Some of the poems were so deep, so expressive from the heart. She noted how my poems were often written in the third person perspective, using the pronouns “he, him” and “his” in place of what could have easily been “I, me, my” and “mine” She said it shows evidence that subconsciously I am trying to separate myself from the person who made the mistakes I made. The guy who messed up.

But what I need to remember is that, even though I did make a mistake, a big one, it’s okay to make them sometimes as long as I remember to learn from the consequences… so I don’t do wrong again.

But at the same time, it’s not okay to hold onto the fear I had and how scared I was… To hold onto past forever with both hands, means I will never be able to grasp onto a brighter future. I will only be dwelling on the past for the rest of my life.

I’ve finally decided that I don’t want to be stuck in one place anymore. I’m leaving the wreckage, and leaving all of the constant questions behind me. I could ask ‘Why?’ forever, and stress over how much worse things could’ve turned out because of my actions, but if I want to move on, I need to forgive myself and let go of those worries. The fact is it’s over. It’s behind me, and though it’s not easy, I need to leave it there so I can move on in life.