Heal

I know I’m almost there. I was thinking about checking this one off today, but I want to make sure I’m ready. Checking off this goal would really be a big step for me.

By the end of this week I was strongly considering checking this off. After crying for almost an hour I thought I had gotten the very last of the pain out of me for good… but I’m finding that just when I thought I’ve gotten over it all completely, I always discover just a little more pain is left over.

I had one of the most difficult experiences, if not THE most difficult experience, of my entire life. This was about six months ago, and my family is ready to see me mentally move past it, but I am just not capable of moving on yet.

If you give them even half a reason, they will jump all over you, lock you up and throw away the key. Then they’ll laugh about how you messed up and made it all happen to yourself.

In this country we don’t really view prisoners as human beings, regardless of whatever they did. They’re just not worthy of anything I guess.

So somehow I temporarily put myself into a criminal’s shoes. During my 28 day stay in lock-up, for the first time I saw how truly judgmental the world is on a guy whose down on his luck. There was NO complaining there. If anybody complained, the malicious staff members would simply say things like “you shouldn’t of done what you did.” and “Don’t get locked up.” They spent so much time telling everyone how everything in their situation was their own fault.

On the inside I started to feel like a starving prisoner locked in a tiny cage who was mocked and spit on and abused… and all they could do was laugh evilly and tell me how it was all my fault.

In my mind I screamed back at them, because I knew better than to just lash out in real life. I didn’t need any further experience with how actions have consequences. If I gave any of them a hard time, I probably never would’ve gotten out.

How DARE they judge me. How dare they judge anyone in that situation? No one fills out a “check box here” form before they do whatever that gets them into jail. It is so much more complex than that, people are so IGNORANT to think someone is stupid for getting themselves into such situations.

After I did what I did that got me arrested, I was nothing but polite and cordial to everyone who dealt with me afterwards. One of the officers at the police station asked me what I did and I told him… “that was stupid, wasn’t it” he said. Fucking asshole. I told him he didn’t have the right to judge me. I’d have gotten enough of that in court from the one with the robe and gavel. I’m so angry still, but I’ve learned to deal with most of those feelings because I know it is in the past and it is all over now. But I’d like to be able to heal and let go of it all someday.

each day becomes easier as I grasp onto life’s treasures. I can heal from the pain and ugliness of my past as I try to fill each day with something warm and loving, and I will grow from it.

Misfortune is ugly, like fertilizer, and there’s a lot of that ugly, painful stuff behind me. But that’s just it: it’s behind me, and if I can only convince myself of that then it will be so much less scary. I’ll heal and grow from it, and let the experience be fertilizer for me and my future.