Last night I had the most amazing (and unexpected) dream. Literally when I woke up I was soothed just to imagine the dream continuing in my mind. Know how a really scary nightmare can stick in your head all day and sort of bother you? Well this dream was the opposite, and all day thinking about it made me feel very warm and happy inside.

I drempt that I woke up in the middle of the night in my bed. The room was dark. It was quiet. Someone was touching me- it was my room mate. My room mate was on top of me!
He was staring into my eyes with this longing, hungry look, like he was looking into my soul. He wanted me. He was just looking at me- no kissing or sex was in the dream… just that look.

It was so unbelievable the way he was looking at me.

His shirt was off and I remember his muscular arms, propping himself up, his hands were on either side of my shoulders. I was laying on my back, on the mattress, and he was on his hands and knees, hovering over me. He kept gazing at me.
I stayed still, watching him breathe: His chest rising and falling.
The moonlight coming through the curtains made his eyes sparkle, and I could see his wonderful body.

Now remember, this was all just a dream, and when I woke up, it was all over. I do not have any kind of crush on my room mate, and he is straight and has a girlfriend- but I need to admit he has a cute round face, cute eyes, and cute ears that fan out. He’s got big biceps because he lifts weights. He also goes out and parties and smokes a ton of weed. While I am studying or asleep for the night, he is out having fun. In a way I envy him.

I would never ever let him know I had this dream.

Speaking of dreams, this sort of thing truly is a homophobes’ worst nightmare.

Not that I’m saying he’s a homophobe or anything… but if I told him, hypothetically speaking, I think he would be both angry and creeped out. That is a homophobic response, though, to be creeped out and angry…

Nonetheless…
...it was a very enjoyable dream…

What do we tell our children on the first day of Kindergarten? Of Preschool?
“Play nice, be good, be on your best behavior.” Stuff like that. When those kids get to the school, sometimes they need a little extra push from the teachers. They say “clean up your mess… keep your hands to yourself…” and “SHARE!”

It horrifies me that people will say this to their kids, and not live that way themselves. People throw their trash everywhere, fight, call each other names, and shoot each other in the streets. People are disrespectful to one another, and they don’t always share. When someone asks for a pen or a cigarette or a piece of gum, maybe. But if a stranger asks for a dollar, forget it. And then often that stranger will just pull out a gun and take the money anyway. What a world we live in!

And then there is my world, through my eyes. Last night I was walking with a guy I had just met. We had been flirting, and he decided to put his arm around mine as we walked down the street. I loved his affection, but wish he would hold back on the gay PDA because people often have their stares, and occasionally even have something nasty to say. Some will even put their hands on you to show their hate, their homophobia. Luckily, all I had to put up with was a bunch of black guys passing in a convertible. All were staring and one was shouting “GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY!” The pace of my heart quickened. I was afraid and embarrassed. I did my best to ignore it.

What gets me is that they have the audacity to mock and judge a homoseual couple, in public no less, and yet African Americans ought to know how it feels to be ridiculed, discriminated and harassed. I can say it too, because I’m African American myself.

They were shouting at me and my partner like we were less than human. It disgusts me how people behave, so so so stupid they are. I wanted to shout back “everybody’s different- not everyone is like you. Get the fuck over it!” But didn’t, in fear they’d jump out of the car and attack us.

But who the hell do they think they are to put someone else down like that? I don’t understand.

Then they probably go home, and the next morning tell their kids to have a good day at school, do their best and “play nice.”

So many gay people kill themselves because they’d rather be dead than live in a world that makes such a calamity concerning how people live their sexual lives. I’m sure that doesn’t bother the Republicans, though. Gay people are evil and deserve to feel the wrath of God. (The same God who “loves everyone”)

Sex is supposed to be something personal, and yet many countries have laws banning homosexuality, and such laws used to exist in the United States as well.

I find it shocking that I live in a country with such little tolerance of people who are different. There was a time when Blacks had to sit in the back of the bus, had separate schools, bathrooms, parks, and even water fountains because the white people wanted nothing to do with them. I’d like to think discrimination and hate are all gone now, but that’s sadly so far from the truth.

We often tell ourselves “we’ve come a long way.” But look how much further we have to go. Republicans hold us back. They’re afraid of everything that’s different. They say: Immigrants don’t belong in America, and the ones that are here should learn how to speak fucking English because their language isn’t as important. Abortion makes God angry, but it’s okay to let millions of cancer patients die every day who may have been spared, provided a few years’ of stem-cell research. It’s also okay to own fifty handguns, because guns don’t kill people. . . black people do. That’s why the Right to Bear Arms shouldn’t apply to black people- they’re dangerous. And even if guns DO kill people, if they’re gay or an immigrant crossing the border, who cares, right?

God also wants us to spread Democracy around the world. Those people in China and Iraq- they’re just confused. They need to see things our way- they need to confide in the God we believe in. . . not Alla or whatever they call theirs. And here in our own country, prayer should be let back into the schools, because even though they treasure the Second Amendment, the one about Separation of Church and State is a typo. Republicans hate the First Amendment. People should NOT be able to practice any religion they want. And women do not belong in the workplace. They need to stay home and take care of the kids, and raise them to hate anyone who doesn’t look and act and think just like they do. Why can’t we just go back to the good ole days when women and blacks couldn’t vote?

Republicans are racist, wealthy, selfish, ignorant assholes who think America is above all other nations in the world. Republicans think, if you don’t support the war in Iraq, you aren’t a “true” American. Republicans think everyone is “being to hard” on Bush- he’s doing the best he can.

Republicans created the “no child left behind” act, but the impoverished black children in our nation’s inner-city schools clearly aren’t benefiting. Perhaps the law was not made with those kids in mind.

Republicans love religion, but only their religion. They’re closed-minded and believe everyone who doesn’t think what they think is going to Hell indefinitely. They think the government should make skipping church a criminal offense. They need to go fuck themselves and realize the world is a very diverse place full of all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs, and realize Christianity is just one book in an entire library of world religions.

Personally, I float in-and-out of believing in God. Sometimes I find comfort in thinking their is some loving being watching over me at all times, but most of the time I doubt the existence of any such being because of the horrible things this loving god lets happen in people’s lives. People pray and pray and pray for mercy, and this all-powerful god that supposedly created the world and loves everyone can do all things simply watches as he lets people starve, experience heart break, pain, loneliness, and sickness, when he could easily stop it all at any moment. So often I’m skeptical and believe the only god-like thing that exists is the goodness within a person’s heart.

Have you ever realized how homophobic people almost never admit they’re homophobic?

I was telling a few of my friends about the situation going on with my room mate (he doesn’t want to room with a gay person and is trying to move out). The term “friends” is used loosely because they’re sort of just good acquaintances, these three people I was with.
When I told the one guy about it, he said “That’s sad- It wouldn’t bother me if my room mate was gay. . . as long as he didn’t bring any guys back into the room and have sex and stuff.”
One of the two girls there chimed in. “Or if he had pictures of nude guys on the walls or something. . . then I’d be uncomfortable.”

And I am fine with that. I can understand. But they failed to realize that a room mate who would have sex in the room all the time would be discomforting regardless of if the sex were straight or gay.
What they also failed to realize is that pictures on the wall of guys naked wouldn’t be the only pics that would bother them. If the room mate was a boy, then any pictures of boys, even if they’re fully clothed, would probably make them uncomfortable too. Pictures of the guy’s boyfriend would be discomforting to look at as well, and he’d be attacked for having a guy as wallpaper for his lap top too, even if it’s just a portrait of a male celebrity (from the shoulders up). The fact that it’s “different” would be “weird.”

One of my “friends” also said, ”. . . and if he had rainbows all over his walls, I’d have to ask him to take them down. . .”
The guy who said that is SUPER Christian, which is FINE, but if he can plaster crosses and pictures of Jesus all over his walls and have an open Bible on his desk, then why can’t a potentially gay room mate have a poster of a rainbow on his side of the room? I’m not saying he should be able to have porno posters on the walls. . . but what’s wrong with a simple rainbow?

So many straight men are absolutely terrified of homosexuality. It just freaks them out to the point where even the thought of a rainbow in the room would put them in a state of panic. Well if they weren’t so insecure with themselves they’d realize accepting other people’s differences would actually make them more of a man.

If a person says “I don’t mind gay people,” and then adds “as long as they don’t. . .” they’ve completely contradicted themselves. Why not say, “I don’t mind smokers. . . as long as they don’t smoke in my car” or “I don’t mind fat people. . . as long as they don’t eat around me. . .” Everyone wants to look like a “good person” to those around them by saying they “don’t have a problem” with a certain group of people. They might as well stop kidding themselves and admit it openly- I’d actually have more respect for them if they just said “YES, I DO have a problem with gay people. They bother me. They scare me. I am homophobic.”

Looks like they’re the ones who need to be coming out. . .

I found and quoted the following because I feel it truly describes the reasoning behind homophobia.

From the article “Masculinity as Homophobia” by Michael S. Kimmel.

“We [meaning heterosexual Men] are under the constant careful scrutiny of other men. Other men watch us, rank us, grant our acceptance into the realm of manhood. . . [Because of this] men are afraid of other men. . . The fear of being seen a sissy dominates the cultural definitions of manhood. . . As adolescents, we learn that our peers are a kind of gender police, constantly threatening to unmask us as feminine, as sissies. . . Efforts to maintain a manly front cover everything we do. What we wear. How we talk. How we walk. What we eat. Every mannerism, every moment contains a coded gender language. . . [The stereotypical gay man] walks a certain way, talks a certain way, acts a certain way. He’s very emotional; he shows his feelings. . .[so to protect their masculinity, heterosexual men must] never show [their] feelings or get emotional. . . The fear. . . that others might perceive us as homosexual propels men to enact all manner [sic] of exaggerated masculine behaviors. . . Manhood. . . is so chronically insecure” (86-88).

The author goes on to mention that if he were to go up to a group of elementary school boys on a playground and ask them “who here is a sissy?” they’d immediately point fingers at one another. Or, according to his theory, one boy would point to another, and the rest would then all point to that same boy, ganging up on him. That boy would either have to attempt to fight back (“no I’m not!!!) or run home crying (87). “And what will his father or older brothers tell him if he chooses to run home crying?” (88). They wouldn’t be too supportive. . . They’d probably think he was a sissy too, as sad as it sounds.

Work Cited:
Kimmel, Michael S. “Masculinity as Homophobia: Fear, Shame, and Silence in the Construction of Gender Identity.” Race Class and Gender in the United States Paula S. Rothenburg. New York: Worth Publishers, 2007. 80-92

After reading this author’s article, I realized Men are just brutal to one another. From boyhood, they always want to feel safe and accepted by their male peers, and if singling-out a “weaker” male and tearing him to shreds helps accomplish that, so be it.

Problem is, when I think back to my own elementary school days, I was that little boy who everybody singled out. . . And then I realize how pathetic it is that boys and “men” cannot feel at all secure enough within themselves to rise above such immature behavior. They called me “gay” and constantly asked “are you gay?” and made so many cruel gestures toward me. I remember one time there was some girl’s personal item on the floor of the classroom. It was sparkley Chap-Stick or a tampon or a pink pen or something, I can’t remember. The teacher asked who it belonged to. One of the boys said, “I think it’s [my name]’s.”

Years of being the brunt of the 6th grade boys’ jokes started making me question my own sexual identity. People called me gay every day. At the time, I hadn’t started dating or even started puberty. I didn’t even fully understand what “gay” meant, to be honest. But after a few years of dealing with that, I started to wonder if they were right. Now that I’m 19, I still look back and wonder if they made me gay, or if I was always gay and just didn’t know it. I was just vulnerable, so the boys tore me to pieces. I never really recovered.

The measure of a man shouldn’t be based on his muscular strength or his beard or his aggression or dominance. It should not be measured by the sexual attractiveness of his girlfriend or the number of females he has slept with. A true man admits when he’s wrong and learns from his mistakes. A real man should be someone whose brave enough to be true to himself and mature enough to respect those who are different. I think that’s what really makes a man.

Unfortunately, I’m sure many “men” out there would disagree.

The most unusual thing happened today.

I don’t even wanna talk about it.

But I have to get it out of my system, at least within the anonymity of my blog.

It’s the first day back to classes since spring break. Most students came back to their dorms last night, including myself, but my room mate did not arrive until this morning.

I had just returned from breakfast when I came into the room and saw him standing before his bead. He said “I’m really pissed off, just so you know…” I asked him why he was bothered, thinking maybe something bad had happened during his drive here, or maybe during the week off.

He started talking about bleach. Yes, bleach, of all things. “Remember that morning when we woke up and it smelled like bleach?”

I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but he said “Oh, I think you DO… in the fall…”

He kept going.

He said he just found out that bleach could be used to get people to do whatever you want… He said he didn’t know that before, but that he’d just found out.

And then, he said “I saw a rag on your bed that smelled like bleach… and a bottle of bleach on the floor when I woke up… my but hurt. It makes perfect sense… You know what that is? That’s rape.”

I do not have bleach in my room and I never have.

I sat there in total shock and disbelief that my room mate stood before me accusing me, falsely, of drugging and raping him. He seemed almost delusional- it was truly unreal. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about, but he didn’t believe me. I said “if it would make you feel better, I’ll call an adult and tell them about this myself.” It was no use.

”...Well, I’m not sleeping here anymore,” he said, turning to leave the room. “I don’t trust you.”

Then he left. I was shocked and frazzled that this had happened- I didn’t know what to do. I immediately looked for the phone number and called the campus police.
Soon an officer came and I reported what had happened. He took my name and my social security number, and my roomate’s name and phone number. He said he would contact an investigator to see what was going on.

My room mate’s trying to get his room changed. I’m afraid of running into him again because he is so angry- and convinced I raped him.

It’s sad I have to put up with this shit. It would be nice to be thin and white and handsome and straight and have money and friends and not be a minority or anything anyone hates.

But unfortunately that’s impossible- and would make life too easy.

It would be nice

ever notice that? Straight guys often make jokes with homosexual themes. Before we left for our field trip, we were told that the van would be really a tight fit for everyone. A girl asked a guy, jokingly, “can I sit on your lap then?”

A male friend of that guy, replied “NO! I’m sitting on his lap! Back off!” and they laughed.

Had I said that, it would NOT have had the same, light-hearted reaction. I’d most likely be reported for sexual harassment.

I guess straight guys just get a kick out of mocking homosexuals. That’s gotta be it.

Being gay has a negative connotation. Period. It’s used as an insult. “That’s so gay…” and “what are you, gay?” are evidence of this sad truth.

A couple of guys got in a fight outside of one of the dorms and one was calling the other a faggot. I didn’t understand how that was relevant, because both guys were obviously very macho and straight and it didn’t make sense to me to call a straight person a faggot.

It’s like calling a white person the “N” word.

Then I realized, he used the term as a random, generic insult. I guess it’s more insulting than calling him a “dipshit,” and maybe even worse than calling him a “motherfucker.”

Nope—nobody wants to be gay. It’s disgusting, dirty… an unspeakable evil.

If only, if only they knew how it feels. If only they could open their FUCKING eyes and just accept that not everybody is like they are. If only…

I was sitting at the dinner table tonight with a couple friends in the university cafeteria. We were just finishing up when I saw a familiar face out the window.

I gestured toward him, saying, “I seriously think he is so SO good looking. . .”

One of the guys I was sitting with then said, “You really need to stop talking about guys when you’re at a table with two straight guys. That shit will get you killed.”

The other one said, “It’s true.”

I tried to laugh politely and all, but what made it not-funny is that I think they were serious, not joking. That assumption of mine was clarified when he said, “No, I’m serious.”

Then I’m thinking how unfair it is that they can talk about all the “hot” girls they like… freely express themselves… but I’m not allowed to talk about who I am fond of.

What he said hurt me very much and I wish he just didn’t say anything at all.

My advice to the rest of the world would be: don’t be gay. Nobody likes gays.

But for me it’s not something that can just be “shut off” or disabled. It’s just the way my brain is wired. It has always been that way. The fact that that’s not the norm is something I’m sort of just coming to realize.

Handicapped and retarded people get more compassion than gays do.

The world is a cold place when you’re gay. Those who are understanding, caring, loving, or accepting are far and few between.

No wonder so many gay people kill themselves. And everybody wonders why they’re so fucking dramatic….

I feel like everywhere I go, I need to wear a mask and hide myself so nobody can see the ugliness underneath. Even if it’s not the best feeling, it’s better than having to put up with everyone’s judgments and discomfort around me.

It’s like I have the fucking plague. No one wants to catch it.

I think I’ve said that in here before.

If someone is really that homophobic, fine, let them shoot me, beat me, kill me.

They couldn’t possibly EVER hurt me more than I already hurt.

And if they’re going to lay a finger on me, hope they don’t pussy out before finishing the job.

If I died in a hate crime, at least I’d get more respect at my funeral than if I died by suicide.

I truly don’t. Maybe it’s just because I don’t have a hateful heart.

Have you been on You Tube and heard about Chris Crocker? He’s a gay, transgender guy who wears makeup and fake eyelashes and records videos of himself sharing his super-liberal views on the most controversial issues. The comment list goes on and on with hate mail. People saying “faggot” in all caps, “die faggot, go kill yourself. . .” How much people hate him is alarming.

The world is so STUPID. Did anyone stop and think how stupid people are? I’m not necessarily going to stand up and defend Chris Crocker to the very end, because he’s clearly looking to get attention and doing his best to ruffle people’s feathers. . . But at the same time, he’s showing me how much raw hatred people can have for someone they don’t even know.

Maybe it’s because they have no one to legitimitely hate. I might hate someone who stole my car, or did damage to my home. These fools hate Chris because he doesn’t dress “normal” and he doesn’t live how they do.

People have also posted, “his parents are probably so ashamed.” Know what? Truth is they probably are, but it’s a damned shame that so many human beings can’t accept liberal behavior.

He’s not a criminal. Cross dressing isn’t a crime. In my mind that means he’s done nothing wrong.

Maybe some would argue that it should be a crime. The idea is completely ridiculous.

People hate so much it’s scary. Adolph Hitler hated Jews. Look what he tried to do to the world. I’ve always wondered if gays are next on the list in the United States to spark a World War III. We are SO hated. . . it’s sad.

There was a time when the world hated blacks. Now we care less about the color of your skin and more about your sex life, something that realistically should be completely personal, is now forced out into the open.

And don’t give me, “well gay people are always flaunting it,” because if they didn’t, straight people would just keep asking, asking, asking, ASKING “Are you gay? Are you gay? Are you gay???” until they get a fucking answer. If they don’t come out of the closet, they’re eventually forced out. No, smoked out, like a police sting operation.

The bottom line is, Chris Crocker has the right to wear whatever he wants, makeup and all. He can be as flamboyant as he wants, and as liberal as he wants. Literally, he has that right. It’s called the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, freedom of expression. Why that bothers people so much, I may never understand.

HATES gay people, even though he won’t openly admit it.

The way he talks, the things he says about them.

He’d be a much happier person if every gay person in the world would die. Today.

Last night he said something that really upset me. I don’t know how he still wants to be friends with me if he can’t deal with me being gay.

He said he had a gay teacher and found out his boyfriend left him for a woman- he was thrilled. I asked him why.

“Cuz, that’s one less homo in the world” is what he said.

People are a trip. They say it’s “wrong” to be gay, but don’t realize how “wrong” it is to hate a group of people to the point of wishing they’d all be dead. It’s funny how seldom they realize we fought World War II to stop someone who felt the same way. So all those who died are just forgotten, because here in America sometimes I think gays (like myself) are the next ones on the list to be put in concentration camps to starve to death and please the rest of our homophobic society.