lose weight

I’m feeling fat again and insecure about my body, so I’m on another weight-loss stint, eating much less, and exercising.

I want to be much thinner. I want to lose 20 lbs. I won’t stop until I reach my goal.

I want so badly to be thinner, even though people already tell me I’m thin, I don’t feel thin, I feel so fat. I’m extremely insecure about my weight.

I really do. There are some things holding me back… I’m not saying they’re excuses… but they’re holding me back right now.

1. I want to jog outside, but I hate where I live. I hate being seen in my neighborhood. The thought of even leaving my house to do something outside of these walls where neighbors could see me is terrifying. People who read my entries know why I don’t want anyone in town to know I’m even alive.

2. I would jog at the local gym, but the same reason for not jogging in the neighborhood applies there as well. Additionally, someone I work with (who I can’t stand) says he goes to that gym.

The bottom line is, everyone knows everyone in this town, and I’m trying to avoid everyone.

3. There’s a treadmill in the basement that belongs to my mother, but it’s covered in clothes and junk, and I couldn’t talk to her about my wanting to exercise because I’d be too embarassed. Plus, I don’t like talking to my parents.

When it comes down to it, it just seems like everything preventing me from exercising is my desire to keep myself isolated from everyone.

If I could move away from this place and away from my own bad reputation here, I’d be a lot better off. But while I’m stuck living where I do, nothing will ever change if I never take the first step (literally and figuratively speaking).

Since school resumed after the winter holidays, people keep telling me I’m getting thinner. I honestly didn’t know what they were talking about, really. Then I checked the scale and realized I actually did lose a lot of weight.

I lost ten lbs since I last posted here. I haven’t gained any weight back since I started losing.

It is extremely emotional for me to diet, because I know how unhappy I am with my body. It is so easy to use fasting as a way to punish myself, and I do it a lot. Then sometimes I skip meals and run instead. Eventually I could see myself developing some kind of anorexic eating disorder, but it’s inevitable because the problem is I feel losing weight is more important than anything else. The idea of skipping meals excites me somehow, makes me feel like I’m working on some secret project that is completely within my control. And I get excited thinking about how much calories I didn’t consume, and honestly the closer to 0 the better.

I’ve lost 2-3 lbs since my last post here.

I don’t like eating because food is evil. I promised myself I wouldn’t eat anything today, and I kept that promise. I won’t lie, I hate so many things about myself, one of which being my weight.

I don’t feel like I’m fat- rather, in all honesty, I feel like everyone around me is just thinner than me. Everywhere I go I look around at people my age, college-age. I don’t understand how everyone is so skinny. It makes me very very sad.

My room mate is about my height, and he is thin. He said he weighs one hundred forty-five pounds, I felt so horrible hearing it that I’d wondered why I even asked. I look at his pictures on Facebook and torture myself over why he can eat everything and keep such a light weight, and I have a muffin and gain a pound. It makes me so upset inside, I just don’t want to eat anymore. Food is the enemy.

I feel a lot like crying. I feel horrible actually. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could be thinner and still eat like a normal person.

I lost 4 more lbs! that’s a total of 15lbs so far!!! I’m so excited!

I lost 10 lbs!!!! It was exciting to step on the scale and see the dial not pass 180. I hope to keep on losing weight.

I went to the store and bought a scale today. Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed my stomach’s been getting pudgier. When I got on the scale I wasn’t too happy, of course. At 191 lbs, I gained over ten pounds this past year. I feel dangerously close to the $2.00 zone…

I don’t now exactly how, but all I want to do is make that number go down. Literally? Honestly? I’m probably going to really have trouble eating right because all I want to do is STOP eating altogether so I can be thin like everyone else. I just want to drink water and run all day long until I can be thin. I just want to be THIN!!!! I feel fat and disgusting. I just want to be thin…