admit what I really want

I’ve really been hankering to make some more large platters. Haven’t done any in over a year. But they sell really well and I enjoy making them.

Is for my former boss to take me to lunch, offer me my old job back, with all attendant benefits and tell me to do it from home four out of five days. If that happens I might be willing to believe in the universe again.

I’m coming down with a cold. I really want to be wrong about that.

Is not to have to close my investment accounts. There’s not much money left in them but I need it. It’s like closing the book on what used to be my good life.

But I want to accompany the kids this weekend on a trip to IKEA. I don’t want to have to work for free again on Saturday.

I miss the solitude of my studio, the morning light streaming through my little window, the rows of pots growing as I work. I miss the freedom and the flexibility. I miss being creative.

Not the humid, muggy days of what passes for fall in the South when the heat has simply slipped into double digits, but real, crisp air, cool breezes, apples crunchy and sweet, bread-baking weather, soup weather, sweater weather. I want fall.

There, I’ve said it. I bought the van to do art shows and I can’t so I have this huge (for me) vehicle when I am so much more comfortable in a compact car. I feel like I’m driving a tank. But I can’t afford to just change cars. I always keep my cars until they have more than 100,000 miles. The van has just 40,000 miles and I can’t take on a car note. Selling it won’t get me enough to buy a car with such low mileage so I’m stuck. I feel whiny even saying it but that’s the goal, isn’t it? To come to terms with what I want.

To ask about finding help/another home for Clark. I nearly walked out with another dog. She was a little terrier scruffy thing and I was actually sitting down at the adoption table ready to sign when she nearly bit a nearby cat. So I knew she wasn’t meant to be mine. But I cried. So I guess I think I really want another lap dog. The thought of losing BJ and maybe even my damaged Clark (though no one there was at all helpful) and having no doggie just made me so sad. It’s better this way, I know. I don’t need another dependent, but for a few moments I really wanted that little mop.

But I’m very sleepy this morning. I actually fell asleep while reading here on 43T. That has never happened. I guess I need more sleep but what I want is more energy!

And I want BJ to feel better today. He had significant pain at some points yesterday. I hope it was just arthritis. His skin allergies have gotten worse, in spite of having him shaved again. He’s so itchy all over, I know he’s uncomfortable. I just want him to feel ok. I got down on the floor with him and petted him and he liked that.