Record interesting dreams

I had this long dream in which I met my high school sweetheart again. We walked along hand-in-hand, just like we did back then, exchanging hopes and dreams and innocent kisses. The dream was filled with lots of longing. It ended when he walked me home and asked to come in. I told him “No. You’re married (he is) and I’m committed to my SO. We’re not those people.”

This was not about wanting to get it on with my old love. We’re still in touch but there’s nothing there but a very chaste long distance and sporadic friendship. I think this was about my longing to have a life where love is simple, life is about the future and everyone I love isn’t ill, near death, or in trouble. I’m sure it was brought on by my brother’s recent ills, my SO’s surgery, the fire, BJ’s decline and my intractable financial stress.

I found it revealing. I think I need some serious relief from all this stress.

But being here, in my brother’s house, where my mother lived for 16 years before coming to live with me, spurred something. In my rare dreams of the dead they never speak. Mom was there in a kind of cameo appearance, holding something against her chest (or maybe it was her heart). This is only the second time I’ve dreamt of her since she died. I didn’t think too much of it until this afternoon while out with my sister-in-law. She said she had a dream about Mom, also very brief. It was weird. My SIL’s mother is currently in the hospital. She’s 97, the same age Mom was when she died.

I don’t often have nightmares but I think my brother’s trouble has pushed me into them. Last night I dreamed I looked at BJ and saw that he had chewed completely through his hide, right down to the bone and organs in some places. I was horrified that I had to put him down and that I let him get so bad.

In another dream, I dreamed I was caretaking two other people whom I needed to give shots.

I was glad to awaken.

It was a sex dream. I haven’t had a sex dream in years. But beneath the sex was some current of relationship dissonance. In one part of my dream I was getting married (yikes) and then not and in a scene shift I’m in bed with this guy (don’t know him) getting it on but emotionally indifferent to him. Next thing I know I’m working at IKEA! Weird, huh?

That I had 2 flat tires, got into a wreck and was unhurt. Granted, the van needs new tires and I saw a wreck the other day on my normal route to the dogsitter but does this sound like my life, or what?

I had to go back to the lab where I worked for some reason, to see my old boss. I arrive but cannot find him. I walk down familiar halls into unfamiliar offices. There appear to be new buildings. I try one of them and find myself faced with two sets of escalators: one is a regular one that goes at a normal pace and stops at each floor, the other is an express, that goes at twice the rate and only to the top floor. For some reason I pick that one and as I ascend I feel sick, grip the handrails tightly, close my eyes and … wake up.

I have no clue.

But last night I dreamed my mother was sitting on my living room floor in her slip and was surrounded by jewelry and jewelry displays that she had arranged. She looked at me and said, “see? this is all I needed. Something to do.”

Mom did have a knack with retail displays, though she never worked in a jewelry store. She didn’t even own a full slip when she died so I don’t know where that came from. I guess I just feel unsettled that I wasn’t able to engage her in some happy pursuit while she was with me.

My SO and I were on one side of this bridge with someone else (maybe my younger daughter, not sure). Suddenly he jumps way down into the water below. Though this surprises me, I am not alarmed. Leaving the third person behind I saunter across the bridge, stroll into this Italian restaurant and look around. I note that there is a back room. I snatch up a bottle of their table oil and walk into the back room where my SO sits calmly ordering up his meal. He is floored to see me. I plop the bottle down on his table and turn to go. He stand, plants a kiss on me that reverberates and tells me to join him. I tell him, no, that he clearly wants to be alone and I leave. I wake up.

I was back working for the census, driving around, doing my GPS thing. Before I tell you what was funny, you should know I have broadcast only TV, you know, with one of those new converter boxes? Anyway, in my dream the surroundings kept pixelating! I was aware that this was a dream and not TV and I was by turns incensed and tickled. Modern life.

Let me start by saying I am in no way suicidal. So that’s why this dream is so interesting. It was very brief, or at least what I remember is short. I am observing someone else who is looking at two plastic bags (I spent some time yesterday in my studio where all my clay is encased in such bags.) Somehow I know that someone else is thinking of putting a plastic bag of her head. Then I woke up and thought it was stupid, curious, but stupid. It’s these drugs. And yes, I am getting off this drug, but I have to do so slowly or risk rebound effects.