write down my thoughts and feelings

For the first time of my life, I truly enjoyed running! There’s something amazing about spreading your wings and soaring like an eagle.

:)

Last night I hang out with some friends in a coffee shop. It was great at first but after maybe an hour, I got bored and zoned out. People were saying stuff and I tried to follow up with the conversation. I became quiet and didn’t feel like talking. I felt bored and I felt boring. It must be pretty obvious cause a friend asked me what was wrong.. This is not the first time I feel this way. I already know that I’m not a party person. Parties are really awkward for me, and I’d much rather not go. But now I realize that I get tired and bored in social situations. I’ve heard people who get drained and worn out after socializing. But I’m not like that. I can get sleepy in socializing but when I’m right back home or alone I’m wide awake again. There are times when I just get this feeling of super exhaustion when I’m with a group of people. Most conversations get boring after a while. I have nothing to say but I say it anyway because I’m so sick of keeping quiet. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things I don’t even think are funny just to try and get along with people. I guess it also depends on who I hang out with. I don’t feel like that when I’m with my good friends who know me well. Socializing exhausts me when I have to put up a facade and I cannot be myself.

I went out with O today. He’s super cool and social. I like hanging out with him but I feel like I’m boring him.. He’s the one who does most of the talking.. I’m usually quiet because I don’t have much to say.. Whenever we hang out, he always asks me what I want to do. I’m like I don’t care. We can do whatever you want. I think that pissed him off sometimes. But I just have no idea what to do! So we always ended up sitting in a coffee shop. We would talk for a while and then he would play his phone when the conversation dies.. I feel like I’m a boring girl because I don’t have any fun ideas about what to do or say! I want to be that cool girl too but I think I’m just another boring girl?! >_<

Why do I always feel unloved and sad when I don’t get enough attention from the one I love? I never feel lonely when I’m single, but when I’m in a relationship, I feel lonely sometimes. It seems that I’m always the one ends up loving more. It makes me tired. What is wrong with me? I become so weak and cry a lot! I don’t know me anymore.

Love is not just between me and the person I date or marry. Love is hundreds of relationships I will have in life — with my parents, with friends, with animals, with my favorite food, with the shining stars in the night sky.

Love is such a wonderful thing. It feels so good to be surrounded by it.

I think I finally get it :)

I’ve been going out too often and partying too much in the past few days. I love going out socializing but sometimes I feel a bit suffocated. It’s good that I get to meet a lot of new people from different cultures but some of them I may never see again. Most of the relationships are very superficial. They are not the people I would talk to when I’m bored or when I’m in troubles. It seems it’s hard to get a real friend. Is it because we are not from the same culture background? Or maybe I’m just not very approachable or likable…

Nevertheless, I should stop going out so often for a while. I need to find a balance between work, study and party. Right now I really need to focus on my study. So goodbye social life.

For years I have been trying to be the best version of myself. It sometimes stressees me out and I worry that I will never be able to get there. But maybe I am already the best version of myself? It’s pointless to always want to be the best. It’s also rediculous cause we will never be perfect. I don’t need the best to be happy. I’m just gonna accept my imperfections as a wonderful part of who I am. It’s time to let go and just live the way I want to live. Right now this moment I am the best version of myself.

Tonight I went out with some girls. It was my first time met them. Before we only talked online. We went to my favorite bar. I told one girl that I have tried hookah here when I was still with my ex. She then asked things about my ex and when I told her his name, she said she has dated him for a few times.. They went out after we broke-up. For some reason they didn’t talk anymore. She didn’t like to talk about it. She said she saw him with another girl the other day. I was so surprised. He has changed so much.. When we first met, he was very shy and serious but now he’s almost like a player. I know It’s no longer my business but I still feel kinda sad. I used to spend so much time trying to figure out why he broke up with me. I think I know the answer now.

The same night when I was back home, a good friend of mine called. Her ex just died from an accident. She was so heartbroken. I feel sad for her. Life is so unexpected. You never know what is going to happen the next minute. Better cherish every day and the ones you love.

I made my Bucket List the other day. There’re so many things I wanna do, so many places I wanna go, but I may never be able to do them or go there because of many reasons(e.g money, nationality, etc.). Yet there are people who can easily do them still complain about their life. This really annoys me. I think we should be grateful and appreciative of what we have now, because someone somewhere else is dreaming of having the life we are having now..

Last Saturday night I went on a date. It was my first serious date with a guy since I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago. The date went pretty well. We had a good conversation and I really enjoyed his company. I felt confident, attractive and beautiful again. He asked me out on Sunday too and the date also went good. He texted me after I went home and said he really enjoyed spending time with me so I guess he likes me. I enjoyed going out with him but I don’t know if I should continue to see him. Last night I cried to sleep because my ex came to my mind again. I went on the dates because I thought I was so ready for a new relationship but the truth is I just wanted to be doing the same thing but with my ex! This guy is cute, smart and seems like a nice person. He would have been the perfect guy but he wasn’t my ex who with all his imperfections I love more than anything in this world. What’s wrong with me? The new date made me miss my ex more than ever. I thought it was supposed to make it easier.I feel so pathetic and so aweful! I really like the idea of getting dressed up, meeting a nice guy, flirting and just getting out there but I’m not sure if I can or should give my full heart and attention to this person. I feel a bit uncertain about what I want, yet at the same time I don’t want to miss something that might lead to a good relationship.