Live with my girlfriend

i wanted to but apparently my (now ex) was not too keen on it. we’ve been together for four fucking years, only to have her throw a curve at me and told us we were over last december. what a way to end the year, with a fucking bang. it’s true that long distance relationships are hard but it’s not like she was the only one suffering from it. she said that she could not take any more of the non-relationship that we were in. so the past four years had been a ‘non-relationship’ in her head. fucking brilliant! she goes on to say that she didn’t want to hurt me and she’s hurt as well. all i heard in my head was excuses and more excuses. she’s tired of trying to make us work out. so basically she gave up on us, while i’d been trying my damn hardest to get us together. it was so tough to try to build something together, only to have your partner sabotage it for you. at one point she says yes, and then she changes her mind faster than a speeding bullet and says no. it is frustrating to be with someone who doesn’t really know what they want in life but only thing they know is that they don’t want you. gosh, i’ve never been so heart broken before. i could write a long entry on how this whole ordeal has made my life a complete mess but that would be boring. all i can say is that for the time being i’m still very much hurt but over the fact that she’s gone. a part of me now realises that our road would be even tougher ahead because i’ve always known what i want and she doesn’t, so we’d be butting heads along the way. even if we ever get together again, i’ve lost faith in someone who has a history of pulling out when the going gets tough. so i should say thank you to her for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. maybe love is not everything. maybe love cannot be held on to.maybe it’s not worth the trouble.

then again, above all things in the world i believe in love. it is the most wonderful thing in the world. it’s a shame that she doesn’t believe in it for love cannot live in someone that doesn’t believe in it. maybe the next time i fall in love, i’d sent her a note. as her so called cure was not strong enough to resist love. just maybe…we shall see.

Was talking to my gf earlier today about dreams and how our lives were going. She mentioned leaving her current job in December and coming over to where I am for a month or two. A surprise and wonderful idea! Although she’s not entirely sure just yet, it’s a good thing to keep in mind about. She claims to change her mind to often about things so she’s not promising anything. I know it is probably too optimistic of me, but I can’t get that thought out of my head. Oh how lovely! My parents would be thrilled indeed. LOL. Seriously though, it would be a good opportunity to get two goals accomplished, coming out to them and living with my gf (technically only for a few months) If that’s the best thing I can get, I’ll take it.

Am currently tied down with uni to be able to move to the UK or back to Japan. Am hoping to finish my diploma ASAP and move over to UK to complete my degree! Tough living apart from each other but it’s good that we speak over the line on a daily basis even if it’s just ten or twenty minutes. The calls are the highlight of my day, I tend to get home quicker and turn on Skype. Kind of feels like returning home to someone…on my computer. :P Well…this is prolly as good as I can get now. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my years with her…long wait but it will all be worth it.

have you ever wondered what dreams are made of? i have…recently, i’ve been having similar dreams. yes, in my dreams i dreamt that i bought a nice house. it’s funny, the house was full of cats, everywhere i walked into…there were cats. i know my gf would loved it, we’d be cat breeders/herders. interesting enough…it wasn’t until we discovered later that the cats kicked us out of our bedroom.(well not really kick more like refused to get out of the masterbed). we resolved to sleeping and getting it on right by the sofa. yes, a naughty dream…how lovely is that.

interesting fact…it’s amazing how much you can think about when you’re just sitting in a train. i just had my future life flashed right before me(at the back of my mind). me dad affectionately calls it ‘visualization’. if it doesn’t harm you, it might help you.

i miss her. everything in this room reminds me of her, of the wonderful things we’ve done, the lovely times we’ve had…unforgetable moments we’ve shared. wouldn’t it be nice to live together, in a wee two bedroom flat…with a cat and maybe a dog.a flat with no telly(she dislikes it),an awesome stereo in our audio room with all her vinyls/CDs and our guitars, a G5 somewhere across the room. a bedroom with a projector for DVDs and PS2,a tiny balcony with a place she can sit back to read/paint/laze around at,while i fix us some g&t and miles davis will be playing in the background.i can’t wait till that day comes…i know it seems far ahead but i’ve faith in us,we’ll get there.this might sound cheesy but i’d do everything i can to make that happen…i can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.