is surprisingly laden with fears, second guesses, hesitations…. Having said that, however, I will add that there’s an element of shear joy in it as well. I use the word shear here, as it used in tektonik plate movement… because the joy is bittersweet at best.
I finally let go of M two weeks ago, or was it that M let go of me, or perhaps a little of both, with a little more prodding from this side… and now I’m, as they say, a “free bird.”
Freedom just another word for nothin’ left to lose, the Big J sang it before me, and her words ring true even now, for me, less my McGee. Why is it that being “free” never ends up feeling as good as promises claim it will be. Those were all promises from the self to the self, to be sure, but still, it just doesn’t feel as great as I’d hoped it would, and to be fair, I have not allowed time to do its thing! Maybe I need to wait for the sweetness to develop, just like the green Plum turning into that deep dark burgundy. Maybe I am trying to skip a few steps, and cash my check before having put in the hours.
Easy does it Grasshopper…. I can almost feel the hot breath on the back of my neck, admonishing me about waiting and the rewards that lurk right around the corner from “right now.”
I need to remember the feelings of longing that summoned me here. I need to remember the promises I made to myself about following my own path, and making a life for myself that’s uniquely mine. I need to remember the dreams that threatened to end it all lest I heed them, and now! I need to swing all the way through, and stick to my intention. I need to affirm my wish for a better, freer, more transparent life, with nothing to conceal.
Show it all to become invisible. What a kooky concept. I wonder if I’m being realistic, or simply allowing someone else’s artistic license lay to rest my understanding of “reality.”
Am I making all this sh*t up? Am I going out of my mind?
Only one way to find out.