Be happy with my body

Im in the best shape that I think I have ever been in. There are always going to be things that I dont like, I want my thighs skinnier, my breasts smaller, my arms more muscular. But Im having a problem having the motivation to do the things that I want to do to improve. Im thinking that if maybe I am happy with how things are now, that it will be easier for me to change what I need to change.
I am a size 8. I have thighs larger than I would like them to be and my stomach isnt as flat as I would like. But I have great legs, and skinny arms and great hair and Im tall and lean and wonderful and I should be embracing that instead of constantly looking for the flaws.

Im feeling really overwhelmed. Looking for a job sucks. Trying to finish a thesis sucks. Waiting to have money to finish house projects sucks. I feel like my life is so disconnected.
And I am so unmotivated because of it to do anything. The only thing keeping me from completing this goal is me. the only thing keeping me from fitting into my skinny jeans is me. I cant seem to get out of the house after spending 4-5 hours every morning online job searching.
And now my knees hurt because Im sitting so much and I cant run or jump rope right now.
I cleaned out this list and moved everything that is either time sensitive and I cant finish right now or the stuff that requires money that I dont have. This site doesnt help if its adding stress.

Im having a tough time right now. Im not sure if its just the stress of trying to finsh, knowing that i only have three weeks to finish so much, or if its that it is february. Feb. is usually a hard month for me. Im moody, dont want to get out of bed, am craving candy and other junk food, miss NG too much, am mentally torturing myself by doing worst case senario in my head. I also know that I am really dehydrated right now, but its cold out and I hate drinking water in the winter.

I would love to run away for a week or two. Key West. Someplace warm with sand and sun. I want to not have thirty things hanging over my head, and Im tired of missing my friends.

Im so close to being there. Im having problems again with my self esteem and have been thinking that things would be better if I were a blonde. I dont want to be a blonde, and I dont get what the draw is to someone who is obviously treated their hair. But an blonde that walks into a room, no matter how unattractive turns heads. What is it about them? I want to know, just for a day what it feels like to have that much power.

For a couple of weeks there I was ready to knock this off the list. But now its that time of the month and I feel so fat and tired and lazy.
Maybe if I get a chance to go X-country skiing this weekend and everything goes back to normal in my body I can go back to my being good and feeling great.

I went cross country skiing yesterday and feel great, minus the back injury that I seem to have. I am so sore, but was really sore before the skiing.
I have to go to work but I cant sit normally and I cant turn my head. Yesterday I was sore, not this sore, but sore and I assumed it was from driving to LI and back.
This sucks, I dont have time for this.

I was really mean to myself today. Im going through some separation anxiety, NG is in NYC for the weekend without me again. Usually I dont enjoy it, but it doesnt bother me, but this time Im miserable. Last week with him was horrible, and he really made up for it this week by being his normal great self. But I had a bad school week, very frustrating, and the fact that he is off doing wonderful things while Im stuck here alone is driving me crazy.
Last night I went to a going away party for my best friend here. She is now the eleventh on of my friends to leave town in the ten years that I have been here. And really the last holdout. I have many aquaintances here, mostly people that will go out and grab a beer now and again, or will be happy to show up to a party, but no one I can call when I am upset, or can call last minute and say “hey, let go to the movies.” Its been really hard not travelling, school sucks up so much of my time. and since everyone I know lives at least six hours away, its a time committment to go visit with my friends.
He forgets about this. He has to go see his every few weeks or he is miserable. There are friends I havent seen in years, and never see anyone more than once a year.

Anyway, I was feeling really frenzied this afternoon. I fell on the couch reading and awoke three hours later. I didnt have that three hours to lose, it was the amount of time I set aside for my goofing off tonight. So went to the store, and bought so much crap. A pizza, combos, potato chips, chocolate licorice, licorice mix, strawberries, cheese, tea. Its like Im having a party. And I opened everything and had a bite. No wonder I cant lose weight. What would have been much smarter would have been to go for a run or do something useful. But I was just so crazy. Tonight is going to be a long night, I have so much to do, and no energy to do it, no concentration to sit, and all I want to do is to be with my friends somewhere having fun.

Buying a belt has helped alot with the image I have of myself, but there are still times when I feel so frumpy. I spent so much money on clothes in the past few months, and am finding that I either made poor choices in the type of clothing, or dont know how to wear what I have. And I have to start running again. I dont think that there is anyother way for me to lose the last 13 pounds that I need to lose.

I am disappointed because I had thought that I had gotten my binge eating under control. And then I ate an entire bag of chips the other day. I just couldnt stop. They were the ridges with olestra in them, so there was no fat, and it was only 400 something calories, but the salt!!! I was like a whale for two days. And I dont know why I do this. I know I cant have a bag in the house for days without eating them, so why do I buy them t begin with? I guess this should go under stop sabotaging myself.

I went and got my hair cut. Going to make a Target run after school and buy a belt. My jeans are always falling down and thus I am always pulling them up.
I did go rollerblading, and it felt really good. The sun was shining, and there was this cute guy that I rolled by who said “Youre doing good, youre doing good.” Nice little break in the day.
I dont know why I am having such a hard time right now with my self esteem. Im tired, look tired, feel old. When we go out, I spend most of the time looking at other people wondering why my clothes never look that good, why my hair never looks that good.
I stopped after my hair appointment at Rite-Aid and stood in the hair color isle for almost fifteen minutes, trying to decide on a color. And as usual, I walked away without buying anything. I have the perfect hair color, and dont mind the greys, and I would know if I dyed it, that it wouldnt be real.
Im hoping that the belt will make me feel a little more confident, if Im not thinking about where the waistline of my jeans I can feel a little better about my physique.

It took almost two weeks for my body to get over the chip and fry fest. Last night we went to see Blue Man group, (totally overrated) and the flashing of all the lights gave me a huge migraine. I was really fighting this, after years and years ive gotten ok with the incredible pain, and we went out after. I ordered a basket of curly fries, thinking that it would help a little, that the fullness would make the nausea go away, and it did.
But I was in bed until 12:30 this afternoon, and now my schedule is all off. I have class tonight, and dont feel like dealing with it. I am going to get off this site though and go roller blading. Its sunny out but cold, and these days are numbered. The cold dark fall will be here soon.