Stop sabotaging myself

I cant belive that 3 months has passed already. Im mystified, I really am.
I have a month of classes left. I am so stressed that my immune system is going crazy, which is how I ended up with asthma a year and a half ago.
in the past three months Ive managed to maintain a lot of the changes Ive implemented on the list, only faltering a bit this week because its been crazy.
I really believe that I would be either in a psych ward or on meds if it wasnt for this site.

I dont know exactly what happened, but this week everything seemed to just come together. Im not sure if its that weve had a good frost, so my allergies are a lot better, or if it was the scare of losing him before I finished school, but something kicked in and I found my motivation/concentration. Now it seems that I cant get enought done.

Im doing pretty good with this.
Except for the sleeping part, Ive gotten better at doing my homework, going into work regularly, and not flipping out at the smallest thing he says.Ive also gotten my diet back on track, eating lots of veggies, and not munching on crap. And Im working on doing cardio for an hour a day everyday. Going to give this a few more days to see what happens, but I think Ive got this licked.

today will be a pivotal day. I have a lot to do, a lot to learn, and no motivation to do anything other than to take a nap.

Im really frustrated.
I havent gotten anything done today. Its 338 and I have so much studying to do. I told myself if I didnt go back to bed this morning that I could have until 1130 to do anything I wanted. So Iknit, until 1230, then I worked out for an hour and then took a shower and straightened my hair, and then checked my email and its already late afternoon.
I want to skip my useless class tonight and use the time to do work. we just had a test so I would have a lot of time to catch up on whatever I missed (besides, the last few guest instructors have only read to us, which if they havent figured out yet I can do at home by myself) but I cant lie to NG and he will ask how class was. I dont want to feel guilty for doing what I want to do, and I dont want to feel like I am disappointing him, but right nwo I think that I would get the most out of my night by getting off line, putting the lime and chili almonds away, and making out the damn index cards I have to make for class, so that I can go to work tomorrow and actually get something done.

I fell asleep on the couch for almost 3 hours. I awoke in a total fog. It tok all of my energy to get off the couch and take a shower, and I felt a little better.
I went to the grocery store and stocked up on veggies. Ive noticed that if I have veggies in the house, I will choose those before anytype of junk food, but if there isnt anything healthy in the house thats when I start scrounging for junk.
I bought two boxes of all bran, which I love to eat from a cup dry, celery which does good double duty both sweet and savory (soups or with peanut butter and raisins) sweet potatos, tomoatos, lettuce, and molasses. Molasses is both high in potassium and iron, so I add some to my coffee in the morning.

I feel a little better, going to try to drink a lot of water before I have another cup of coffee. Hoping to go rollerblading (will make this three days in a row with cardio, yeah!) Have a study session tonight with the kids from class, so Im hoping everything will come together in the end.

So last night NG and I went out and he started talking about this girl he used to date. Im of the philosophy that when it comes to eX’s, if its not a necessary piece of information, then you dont talk about it. I immediately got pissed, it wasnt necessary, and he noticed. So he said to me that I shouldnt be pissed, that he doesnt want to ‘hide’ things from me, and that he knows that I am interested in all aspects of his life. I told him that he talks about his exs frequently, in fact he spends too much time thinking of the past. He didnt really say anything after that.
This morning I told him that Im not feeling very attractive and im not feeling very sucessful and thats why his stories bother me, and he asked “Youre still thinking about that? Over analyzing everything as usual”
Of course now Im freaked out over that comment. Ive been so freaked out for the last two weeks that he is just going to bolt, and I dont know why.

I think that I am funneling my anxiety over school to him and blaming him for everything. I am choosing to be with him, faults and all. So I dont know what my problem is.

These are the things I need to do to get my life on track:

Get out of bed at 8 am even when I dont have to
Do an hour of cardio a day
stretch
study without the help of the telly
really pay attention to the videos for class
eat more veggies
drink 64 oz of water a day
stop over analyzing everything my boyfriend says and does
put my laundry away when its clean instead of leaving it in the drier
make an appointment with the allergist

lately Ive been staying in bed until noon just because Im bored. Its killing me time wise, and making me really groggy and unproductive. Im unhappy that my clothes arent fitting me as I wish they would, but I stopped doing my cario about a month ago. Feeling tight in the tummy, but not drinking water like I should be. And the tv. Gotta stop doing that. Although Im not going to give up knitting while memorizing index cards, I really think that the hand distraction while going over things in my head helps me from munching on things I dont need to be eating.

I do this so frequently.
I stress myself out about my relationship, I have grand plans to exercise and then dont get off the couch. I buy a bag of chips when I know Im going to eat the entire thing and feel horrible. I let my family guilt me into doing things I dont want to do and then feel horrible about doing it. I dont do my homework when I should. I have been napping in the afternoons, and then not sleeping at night, so Im tired the following day and then I dont get anything done.

I was bulemic in college many moons ago. I truly believe its as bad as alcoholism. The urge never goes away. I havent purged in 15 years or so, but I have binged. Its been a while, many many months, but this week I fell off the wagon while studying for a test. And I let the fact that NG wanted to do laundry and get stuff done on tuesday bother me. We didnt have plans and he droppe everything to go out to dinner with me, to the point that he was making dinner when I called. But still it wasnt enough for me. So I went out, and that was horrible, I have always hated going out by myself (very very lonely) and then went to the store and bought a bag of potato chips, licorice, and a bag of french fries. I ate half the french fries that night. And then the next ay I finished them. And then for no reason I ate all the chips. I feel like I could float across the ocean and I am so bloated none of my tops are fitting right.

I read that lemon tea and cayenne pepper is good for detox, and I tried it tonight. Its actually tasty.

So tonight I start.
I am going to get off the couch and go to bed, Im going to get up and do my pushups, go for a bike ride, and then sit down and finish my grad project.

Im not going to be my own worst enemy anymore.