Trust my instincts

This is an evolving process. It’s mush less of an abstraction than I once thought. There is more action than I initially anticipated. It’s really all about making choices and trusting in those choices. I am doing that much more. The more I do it, the more confident I feel about it. It is definitley one of those things that lends itself to the theory of perpetualy motion.

I have been trying to let go of her for a long time now. She, it, something keeps pulling me back. I know she is toxic. Her demeanor, her life, her home, her family…all toxic. I was so in love with her once and then, nothing. Just going through the motions, I guess. I have known for a long time that this was over. I just didn’t want it to be. Not b/c of any love that I may have felt. But I lawys felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was supposed to be her savior. I felt that I would be able to leave when I helped her get on her feet. I felt that I could change her. I felt that she was a victim of fucked up circumstances and that I was going to make her past hurt less.

She really loved me at one time and I know that. Just like I loved her with all my heart. What I was holding on to was not love. Maybe it was my sense of social responsiblity. For some reson I am always attracted to tragic cases. Why do I want to save people? I have to save myself now.

The next person that I get involved with will be an equal. I know that I can do better. This time I won’t settle b/c of some feeling of obligation. I lost way to much in the long run.

This time there is no going back, no matter how many tears. No matter how many times she calls. No matter how much she thinks she may need me or how much I feel that I may need her. It’s not worth it. I am so sorry if I hurt her. But, I can’t keep hurting me. I hope that she loves again. I hope that she does not hold on to the pain. I wish that I could avoid having her blaming me, but I doubt it. To her I will always be the bad guy. I wish that I could make her understand that I am just a different person than I was at 19 than I am at 24. Unfortunately she is still the same @ 26 that she was at 21. I hope that she will realizes that haer past and her surroudings don’t define her.

If only I could say these things to her and have her understand them. Maybe that is more me wanting to ease my guilt and less about me wanting to ease her pain.

There is something in my gut saying that I need to do something big and significant. or maybe something big and significant is going to happen. Whatever it is, it does not feel angsty of woeful like most of my feelings have been as of late. I don’t really know this feeling. I want to say optimism, but as a likelonf pessimist, I’ mnot sure. I’m going to try to ride this out though.

I have always felt the need to weigh outthe pros and cons of every single situation. I think because I am often times such a people pleaser that I want others to be happy despite the fact that it could very well harm me. But dammit, the buck stops today. I am a terrible judge of character so it takes me so long to open up and then I end up trusting the wrong fucking person anyway. I will go with my first instincts these days and see where it leads me.