come out

I feel so much better now.

Told my mom, dad, grandma…. I talked with my Mom for a long time over a week or so, and she actually… says it’s okay if I’m gay.

My friend said he knew, and it doesn’t matter to him (though I was a little angry he didn’t tell me he knew earlier… but… maybe he felt awkward about it. He says he doesn’t think of it as this “big important thing”)

So talking with my mom, basically saying everything I’ve wanted to say for SO. LONG. And in some ways she kind of wrote off that it’s a big deal to me, thinks I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it (I basically obsessed about the idea of “Omg I’m gay” for months and months the past year)... and, okay, she’s not totally okay with it… yet. And… she’s like “oh if you change your mind I’ll be happy!” but… that’s not a horrible response I guess.

But I’m getting to the point where I’m almost COMPLETELY okay with being gay. And I realized actually that a lot of/all of my anxiety was just… me placing false barriers or whatever… and I can just… relax. And I’ve been way more relaxed. I think in general good advice when someone’s anxious is always just “well, try to relax. You have control over yourself. You don’t have to feel that way. Nothing matters as much as you think it does.” (and sure sometimes people are naturally more anxious, but still, willpower goes a long way).

And especially because I know that my parents aren’t treating me any differently (a day or so was all it took for the shock to wear off…. at least… that’s how my mom is acting…) and my friend isn’t treating me any differently. And I feel like I can be myself! Not even necessarily just about things sex/attraction-related. I just feel like I have FAR less inhibition (was singing all crazy and being perky today and generally feeling confident/positive, for example), because I know people aren’t going to… judge me I guess… or… I don’t have this worry in the back of my mind about “how will my parents react” all the time. And I feel sort of silly, because I COULD have had less inhibition before. It has NOTHING to do with “coming out”. But I have less of that anxiety, and I’m resigned to stop caring so much about stuff and being self-conscious… (and sure, that takes a bit of time, to change habits, but anyway)

So yeah… not exactly all the way out, I suppose. But… way better off generally.

Told her last night. Did it sort of out-of-order according to the “rules”, I guess, as I’ve only told a few people before this, and never had a heartfelt talk to anyone about it. It wasn’t nearly as anxiety-producing as it’s been to come out to the other few people…

She had all (ALL) the stereotypical responses. Wouldn’t believe me, thought I was a different person now, outdated ideas about what this all means, thought maybe I was abused, thought she had done something wrong, thinks a family and kids is completely incompatible with being gay, thinks I’m going to start dressing like a boy, thinks it’s disgusting, doesn’t want to hear about any girlfriends, thinks I hate men, ...told me she loves me. Mostly now she says I shouldn’t “shut myself off” to boys. Don’t “lock yourself in”. That I can’t possibly know I’m gay since I haven’t had any boyfriends. That maybe I’m bisexual. That I shouldn’t tell my friends. Or my grandparents. Or even my aunt (who I think might be okay with it).

I’m going to a women’s college next year (chose it because of academics and environment, NOT to become a “man-hating feminist”, as she seems to think) and she says she feels like I lied to her. That if she had known she NEVER would have payed for the applications to women’s colleges. That she doesn’t want me to go there now.

...I had all the responses ready… I want it to all work out…

I think it might all work out eventually.

cute sidenote… I coincidentally told her at the exact moment that whats-his-name comes out to his girlfriend on Saved! which was playing on TV.

This is complicated. Difficult. Confusing.

It’ll be better in college, at least.