be happy with who I am

I’m not happy at all with who I am. My heart was broken again. No matter what I do to make someone happy, I am always getting hurt in the end.

She had the nerve to tell me…’It’s not you, it’s me. You’re a great guy’ so on and so forth.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM OF HEARING THOSE FUCKING WORDS?!

I am a man scorned now. The damage has been done.

MAN…met a girl who I like..spent a lot of money to impress her..when didn’t have the money to begin with…sometimes I call off work to be with her… I pay too much for rent, just to live around yuppies. Now I’m two months behind on my rent, late 30days plus with my (7) credit cards, I haven’t had a car since March 2006, because I can’t save for one. I burn money. I wish someone would help me, like a financial mentor. My credit score, in 3 months dropped 90 points. I’m a loser. Another great start into this year. I am responsible for all of this. I want to change. I do…

..it’s been a while since I’ve made an entry here. I guess I have just been waiting until I was actually ‘ready’ to ‘talk’, I guess. I really enjoy reading everyones entries here; some make me laugh, some make me smile…and some make me nod in agreement. But, it terms of this specific goal…I am slowly getting to the point where I’m happy with myself. There are alot of things that I am unhappy about…as far as things about myself. It stems alot from the loss of a very close friend that I lost. She was my heart and my all…and it’s really taking me a toll on me….rather it’s hard for me to get focused and do what I have to do. It’s really hard when you’re doing it all alone. But I’m getting stronger as the days go by, and I’ll make it. It just takes me telling myself this, over and over again.

Well, son, I’ll tell you: Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair. But all the time I’se been a-climbin on….
-Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

.....myself everyday that I have a purpose, and that I should be grateful, and thankful for what I have. I have a good heart, I am a good person, and I treat people with the utmost repsect. I really don’t care who doesn’t like me, because I am not here to impress or make people happy. I have my moments where I get down on myself for failures, or I don’t live up to the high expectations that I set for myself. I guess as long as some good happens within my days, learning something new, accomplishing a goal, or just being happy, that should suffice. And it shall bring happYness.

I’m living; I know that I’m living the life most people wish that had a chance to live.
I have a job; Most people can’t find a job, yet alone a good paying one that they like.
Home; Nothing like coming home to lay my head. Now that I’m older, and wiser(lol) I can really appreciate the quietness of being alone after a day at work. No T.V., radio, or anything. Total bliss….
The ability to secure my future; Saving up so that I don’t have to worry about where money for things that I need will come from. My kids(if I have any) and my wife(if she finds me) will be taken care of. That’s what I work for. They are my motivation;just knowing that one day they will be in my life so I’m preparing myself for when that time comes. But right now, it’s my mom. The fact that I feel this, not sitting here just typing it, makes me proud of myself.

I am getting here too. Slowly, but surely, I’m getting here.