learn to trust

Last Saturday I had a conversation with my ex when she came by to pick up some more stuff that still belonged to her.

She told me that some people told her already long time that the relation wouldn’t last because we were too different, and that she didn’t realize that at first that they were right. I can’t agree with it, I have the feeling it worked like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If people repeatedly tell you that you are fat, ugly or weird, at some point you start to believe those things yourself. The thing I loathe is that those persons who tell what a good relationship should be like cannot sustain one themselves. Anyway for everyone a relationship works different, how can you can compare it? What is a healthy relationship? What makes me sad is that she never told me about these doubts, whilst accusing me of not being open enough…

She also excused herself for wanting to change me, and that she wasn’t attracted to my physical appearance but for my character and the long talks we used to have at nights. That she liked me better with short hair, other clothes, other friends… In short it feels like she never loved me for the person who I am, tried to change me into something I couldn’t be…

I’ve been living in a fucking lie for over 4 years, and that hurts…

Last Tuesday right before band practice I spoke the friend, and before I even could start on what bothered me he already offered his apologies for his behaviour last Saturday, and that he had no recollection of the things he did that night and felt very sorry, and he wouldn’t do it again.

This leaves me in a bit of uncertain state. I’d like to forgive, but I have some severe reservations in situations like this. If someone doesn’t remember what he did under the influence of alcohol, how can he or she promise that it wouldn’t happen again? As a matter of fact, I’ve experienced this before.

I once have been given a promise, a commitment, that the relationship I was in was exclusive and that I’d be the only one. This trust has been violated twice, both under the influence of alcohol. So now I have a hard time believing people promising things while they are not sure wether they can keep up to that promise, especially if there’s alcohol involved.

I’ll guess time will tell this time if I have been wise or not to trust someone yet again…

Sometimes when you trust someone you find out the hard way the person violates your trust. That’s what happened this weekend. We’ve been to a festival called Waldrock, which was wonderful. Unfortunately one of my friends drank too much Vodka and started yapping things around about me that I’ve told him in strict confidence, because it was about something I don’t feel proud of. And as with my ex-girlfriend, alcohol is no excuse for intolerable behaviour and hurting people who consider you as close friend. So next time I will once more be more careful before I trust people, it’s just that I’ve been hurt too many times and my trust violated too often.

Maybe the safest way is to be without friends and relationships, but that would make one shallow life. I need to get this issue out of the way and confront him with what he did and how it felt, because otherwise some future things can become very grim and I don’t want that.

Sometimes, on nonparticular days like these, I wonder what my purpose is on this globe. I believe we have been put onto this globe to accomplish something. I am not religious in the sense that I believe in a God (but just to be sure I write it here with a capital G, you never know if God uses Google – or wether Google IS God), but in my view it just looks like a waste if we just live our lives day in, day out, without having any dreams.

How poor the person is who is without dreams! Imagine, living your life day after day, without having any dreams for the future. With no dreams for tomorrow, what does life yield today?

To be honest, I’ve been there… There has been a moment in my life that I was completely unsure what the hell I was doing here, except for working, earning money and paying my debts, eat, sleep and repeat procedure. It was a void, hollow space I lived in, a room without a view. I felt very much like the character Leeloo in the movie “The 5th Element”, played by Milla Jovovich (Leeloo), where she cries that she “hasn’t been made for love”.

Now, almost 10 years after the release of The 5th Element, I finally found out what my purpose is. It’s not about getting famous, status, money or a comfortable life (these are just added bonuses – but worthless if you can’t share). It’s about being able to give and receive love. However, this is not so easy as it sounds. I’m no Jesus, I can’t love everyone unconditionally, and, I think it is even wrong to love that way. If you love everyone, what special power does it still have to love? I’d rather spend my love sparingly, giving it to people that are dear to me. If you are not loved back in return, isn’t love a wasted investment?

I think this (loving) has to do with “Learn to trust”... To love someone is taking a risk, the risk that the one you love might feel different about you. At first I thought the goal was wrong, that it should have been “Learn WHO to trust”. Now I know I was wrong again, because you never know who to trust in advance. You need to take a risk to trust someone, just as it is a risk to love someone. The trust or love might get returned. Or not. Or abused. But as long as you’re not willing to risk you will get none of that. It will be safe but empty, depressive. So the goal should be “Learn to take the risk to trust”, which in fact makes it easier, since this all comes down to me instead of somebody else. I don’t need to learn to trust, I’ve done that (afterwards I was wrong by trusting the wrong person, but I took the risk and I learned from it – or so I hope), I don’t need to learn who to trust, because I will never know in advance wether someone is to be trusted or not, I need to get the guts again to take the risk and trust someone, even though I know it could be wasted…

Here’s a small poem I wrote about 6 years ago on my personal view what is important in this life. It’s written in Dutch but I included a rough approximate of the original poem in English:

In mijn overpeinzing denk ik
wat maakt je tot een man?
Volgens mij is het het lef te zeggen:
“Ik kan houden van…”

Rough translation:

While pondering I thought
what makes us into man,
to me it’s having the guts to say
“I give all the love I can”

Yesterday I heard from my (now ex) girlfriend she has been kissing with the same guy she once cheated me with, so this relationship is now completely over. I have a little break now while writing this (throwing her shit out of my house). So, what did I learn? This goal shouldn’t be “learn to trust” but “learn who to trust”. But as I now move forward, I wonder how I can regain trust and wether I can love again…