Stop being so hard on myself

Things were up and busy for a while, new job, got a house. But then fell back down. I’m working on it. Trying to rethink the way I think.

and now I’m mad at myself because I’m back in Ohio and I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I guess I don’t have to figure out the whole rest….

I’m sure it’s stress and new things. We’ve been in Australia just over a month, and while it’s fun and exciting, it is a long way from family and friends. I also feel like I’m letting myself get behind in work (for sure) and class (I can see it happening). I have to figure out a schedule, or at least be more disciplined with my time. I keep getting up too late and then wandering around the city too long, wasting time. I mean, it’s great to explore, but I have responsibilities. I have to remember what I wrote last time: to get up and do one constructive thing when I’m feeling down on myself.

I have gotten way better at being kind to myself. I have learned that oftentimes when I’m saying mean things to myself, it’s because I’m tired. Also, if I start moping around and feeling like I’m failing at life, all I need to do is get up and do one constructive thing, and then I feel better.
And, I quit my job! This has made a huge improvement on my mood, and now I’m excited about freelancing, moving back to Ohio, and then moving to Australia! Yippee!

I was in a terrible mood. All day, in fact. I was tired, and stressed out, and feeling very behind with work and the things I have to do at home. “You’re not writing, or reading, or journaling, or cleaning up your shitty apartment, or doing any of the things you need to do. You’re worthless,” went the voice in my head. I ate dinner, watched part of a movie, took a nap… woke up feeling terrible. Aaron was still napping, and I wanted to write, but it was hot and dark and everything was a mess. So I went to Barnes and Noble. I was sitting upstairs, journaling, berating myself for not living life to my potencial, when I noticed my reflection in the window: girl with nerdy glasses, notebook, pen in hand, wedding ring on finger, looking quite writerly. If I passed this person, I would’ve wished I was her. But I was her. I was doing the things I’m always telling myself I need to do. Yet I couldn’t see it, at first.

Yes, quite hard on myself.