overcome bulimia

I planned this binge/purge.
How sad is that?
I’ve been looking forward to tonight for about a week now.
Yes, looking forward to it.
The kids I’m watching, who were supposed to be asleep an hour ago, just need to conk out so I can purge. They need to go to sleep anyway, but there you have it, my selfish personal reason.
I’ve been craving this. I figured tonight would be a good time to start again because I’m not home. There’s no one to catch me in the act. I don’t even want to fight it right now. Just surrender, surrender to the drug. I’ve been gaining weight. My grades suck. I’m trying to get my “friends” to stop trying to rob me of every penny I make (I’m so bad at saying no.). I need to move out of my parents’ house in August or September because of school and I’m trying to save enough money to do that. But I have to find a good job in order to make that happen. I’ve been or felt sick for about three weeks now. I’m not getting enough sleep. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me the same way. I’m addicted to OTC pain killers, again. All this goes along with other things that I don’t want to share with the world at the moment. I don’t have the energy to fight this right now; nor the will. I feel like I need it, but find that feeling confusing. I’ve had this damn disease for almost five years now, and I still don’t fully understand it. These girls really need to go to sleep. I really should get help, especially now, it’s worse then ever. I should of gotten it when I wholeheartedly wanted to beat it. Now it feels like it’s too late. I don’t want it enough. god I hate this.

And it was a hard thing to do. I want to keep it to myself for the most part. Because while part of me wants to stop, part of me doesn’t. While part of me wants help and support, part of me thinks that I don’t want anyone telling me to stop… you guys know how it works.
He has a binge eating disorder, it’s not the same, but if it wasn’t for that I don’t think I would have been able to tell him. Anyway, he made me promise to, as he put it, “keep everything down” for the next week. I don’t know if I can do that. I want to, but this is so much bigger, it’s not just a matter of keeping a promise, it’s a matter of fighting off a disease with nothing more then “he made me promise” to keep me going. If I could just stop I would, without that. It’s only day two and its already really difficult to not do it. Especially at night, when I’m at home by myself. When I’m out and about with friends it’s harder to get away, the urge is still there though. I want to call him right now, I need to, but he’s at work, so I can’t. The only thing that seems to let me not think about it for any length of time is not eating. If I don’t eat there’s nothing to “keep down” so it makes it really hard to break the promise. He caught on to that method very quickly though, damn him/bless him for paying attention. I know he wants to help me.. but I dunno that this will work. Because of the nature of this disease for me I could stop for awhile just because I could suddenly be fine again for awhile, no real reason for it. That doesn’t keep it from showing up again later though. and this time it’s not gone, it’s present and strong and it’s proving very very draining to fight, I’ve been very tired since I started trying to keep my promise to him. It’s a mental and emotional exhaustion. I just don’t know if I can do it, even though I don’t want to let him down either.

or feel like I need to purge, now

It’s panic,
It’s an anxiety,
It’s an urgency,
it’s like a drug.
I hate it
but I need it.
I don’t want it,
Gotta do it
Try to fight it
Is it pointless?
Will I ever win this war?
And what about tonight’s battle?
Which will prevail?
I feel weak
Yet I know I can be stronger then this
I have to be.
Have to find a way to overcome it.
Why is it so much harder this time?
Harder then ever before.

What I should do is just go to bed. But I still don’t know. The urge is so strong… of course the more time I spend on writing this the more likely I will be to rise above it. For tonight anyway.

to try to get some help?

I’ve been anorexic since 2002,and bulimic since 2004. For the last two years I’ve had my ED’s fairly controlled. But they’re back, both of them. In the process of gaining back control I also gained back every lb I lost and then some. I truly am and have been overweight, so it’s really easy to not get caught, especially with anorexia. I don’t know why I’m having to face this again. I’ve been loosing weight the right way, my metabolism is back to where it should be, I’ve been healthy. So why now? I hate being obsessed with exercise, and weight. I hate being obsessed with calories. I hate feeling like I need to B/P every time I eat (says bulimia) because I shouldn’t be eating (says anorexia). It’s taking everything I have to fight it right now. I now honestly believe its true that you never completely recover from this. You overcome and adapt, you fight, you have times where its easier, where you’re not thinking about it. But you don’t really recover. It just goes to sleep for awhile, like it did for me.

My bulimia is very sporadic, I’ll be fine for months and then I’ll have a week – a month where it’s back, then I go to fighting it, and anorexia shows up. The bulimia may stay awhile or go back to sleep, anorexia is not so kind.
Now, after having nearly two years of freedom only to have these awful diseases show up again, I know it’s a vicious cycle and something I will always battle.

I waste so much time on this. Thinking about food, weight, planning my day around these stupid eating disorders. So much energy fighting them, and then so much energy when I allow them to control me.

I wish I could just make it stop. I wish I could just eat in a normal, healthy way and stop looking at food like it’s the enemy. I wish I could stop obsessing. I wish I could just continue to lose weight the right way until I get to a healthy weight and then be happy with that. I wish I didn’t have these diseases.