February marked the beginning of a swift trek off the straight and narrow that more or less continued since. It led me into a place I had never previously imagined myself in. Growing up in the church, and honestly having been “strong” in the past led to a false since of… security and caused me to, though I realize this was a subconscious belief at the time, believe that I would somehow be less susceptible to the draw of the world. Foolish, foolish thought. I have, in the last 5 1/2 months, really lost my way. I’ve gone so far away from God, I was almost on the polar opposite end from Christianity there for awhile, almost.
There are elements I’d like to not loose from the last few months… but I don’t know how to keep them and come fully back to God at the same time.. I can see incorporating them later, but they don’t fit with my current circumstances.
It’s amazing, all of this because I allowed one man to have way to much influence… all this because I met, dated, and unintentionally fell in love with someone that’s no good for me. (Noting that just prior to this, my self esteem had reached pretty near all time lows) He broke it off, because he saw what I refused to, that we are to different on this important issue for it to work well. He’s a hardcore Atheist.. I a Christian.. doesn’t make a good combination. I still love him though. He’s proving to be the most difficult factor in all of this. Even though he’s keeping his distance, because its easy to do over summer break, I know how to win him back, I could do it come this fall quarter if I choose to. Sometimes I miss him so much it’s hard not to decide to do just that. Other times I’m asking myself exactly which part it is I miss: Being stood up half the time (towards the end)? Having to make almost all the effort to get to him (we live about an hours drive away from each other) if I wanted to see him or even if he wanted to see me? All the lies? Being cheated on? Or any other number of the things of that nature. I know he’s absolutely no good, but he’s tempting as the devil himself.
I don’t know what all it’s going to take to come back, and stay that way, I know it wont be easy, and I know this “life” I’ve been trying to live that isn’t God-centered, isn’t working. I’ve been miserable for most of it, the amazing moments didn’t last, some of them made me feel worse in the end. The depression I’ve battled off and on the last 6 years rocketed itself front and center… it hasn’t been good. I’ve got climb out of this hole and get back to God, painful as it is to leave some of this, it’s amazing what you can become attached to, I know I have to do it. I can’t keep living like this.
