Follow Thoreau's advice; "Go forth boldly in the direction of your dreams; live the life you've imagined."

I saw L. for the first time in 25 years yesterday. (I thought that we were both the same as we were at 17, which amused me to no end, but that’s another story.) She commented on Tadpole as a go-getter, and I told her how I wanted to be Tadpole when I grew up- how she grabbed all the joy from life.

L said, “Why don’t you do that?”

Boom.

That question profoundly affected me. I hadn’t meant it as a complaint about my own life, just as a compliment to Tadpole and her strong will. However, as generally content as I usually think of myself, her mild question (we didn’t follow it up with more conversation, as our attention was turned somewhere else) is making me realize that I have a lot to do to live up to this goal.

for a scholarship to a Sun magazine writing retreat coming up in the end of April in North Carolina.

This might be the scariest thing I’ve contemplated doing in a long time. Which is exactly why I should go.

about my resistance to writing has given me a path upon which to go forth boldly.

I am going to try daily morning pages.

I will ignore the negative part of me that wants to say, “Why would you think that would work?” and embrace the hopeful part of me going boldly forth that says, “Try it! It can only help.”

Thank you, signora oye vey. I always get something wonderful out of my interactions with you.

P.S. Tadpole wants to know “when she can see you on my computer again”. Frogette wants to know when you are coming back to visit. Frog sends kisses and hugs.

visualizing myself as I once was: full of confidence and belief in my abilities.

Affirmations with deep breathing.

Acknowledging my fear, and comforting myself past it.

Going forth with this new project is going to take a lot of courage, self-nurturing, and support.

I was up for hours in the middle of the night with an idea percolating in my head.
It’s such a new, hopeful, fragile, scary, wonderful idea that I don’t even want to write it down yet.

If I can follow through with this, do the hard work to start it happening, push through my fear and gain self-confidence, muster all my discipline and be my best self, and keep trying, trying, trying, it will be the breakthrough of the stagnation I’ve been feeling. It will be the beginning of my bold trek in the direction of my dreams, living the life I’ve imagined and deserve.

Today’s task: Meditation and positive self-talk to conquer the “oh, it will never happen, you can’t do this” demons. Maybe I’ll be able to write it down tomorrow if I do a good job with today’s task?

We talked today about my needing to forge ahead and she suggested we write the professional manuscript we discussed together.
It’s really a perfect idea. Working with a partner will help me with the motivation and confidence I need, and her knowledge base complements my area of expertise.

It’s such a relief to think of doing this with her support! We’ll have a lot of work to do to even get started, and we’ll have to overcome a lot of obstacles, but it is so good to have even the beginning wisps of forward motion.

As if our day together wasn’t lovely enough, this was the perfect icing on the cake. I don’t know what I did to deserve this incredible friendship, but I’m tremendously grateful for it.

Today, I had a good idea how to take a baby step towards my goals/life purpose/career desires/ideal life.

I implemented it first thing in the morning, and feel much more enthusiastic about things now. It’s just a baby step, but it’s a step in the right direction!

that although I’m walking every day, I’m starting to feel stagnant.
It’s time to move forward, but I can’t seem to take the first step.

This topic is going to have to be done in drips and drabs. But, inspired by some reading I did online the last few days, I am ready to start to tackle it.

The dilemma: Which path to take?
Some experts say that you just have to force yourself to sit your ass down in the chair and write. So far, I have been unable to do so. Other experts, like the one I was reading about online recently, say that that kind of tough love approach will not work in the long run, because until we engage with the aspects of us that hold us back, we will never be able to succeed.

Frankly, I don’t know which path to follow.
The mean authority figure in me says, “Enough of this psychological bullshit. You don’t write because you are too lazy, that’s all. If you would just get some willpower and follow-through and self-discipline, then you would write.
It’s almost second nature for me to believe this voice, and blame myself for my inactivity in following my dreams.

But, but, but…. why can I be self-disciplined for some things, then? Why can I force myself to exercise when I don’t feel like it, and not force myself to write? I think that there may indeed be something holding me back, and until I confront that barrier, I will never make progress toward what I want to do.

However the meanie voice in me says, “Oh, please, you know that’s just a way for you to not challenge your laziness and not have to sit your ass down in the chair and write.”
So I don’t know who to believe and how to proceed. Confront my reluctance or just forge ahead past it?

Well, since I’m not writing anyway, I guess I can take some time to play with the idea of confronting the fears/barriers that make me not write. I have to put the little ones to bed now, so I’ll start taking on the demons in the next post.

Especially now at work. I feel paralyzed by the inability to get the last signature I need, and don’t feel a sense of clear direction. It’s not just the signature, now that I think about it. It’s the murkiness of the future- will I be asked to work full time at any point, and if so, when, and what will my duties be? Everything is up in the air, and I feel like I have no way to prepare or start. I don’t even know what I should do about child care, unless I know when and how many my work hours will be.

Then, too, I’ve been unmotivated to eat well or exercise after a period of effort in these areas. The house is a mess, I’ve eaten lots of sugar, and I’m having trouble going to bed in a timely manner again. Just the opposite of the way I want to be.

Today at work, I wasted hours, losing myself on the internet. I’ve been watching Netflix at home instead of doing more productive and affirming things as well. I definitely need some sort of restart, some sort of self-intervention here. I don’t know why the last few days have been so blah, but as I write this, I realize that I need to snap out of it now, before all the hard work I’ve been doing on my goals becomes undone.

Every day that I don’t make progress on my goals is another day wasted. I don’t want to waste my days. I wonder if this is hormonal? I lost count for my cycle, but I wonder if this is pre-menstrual affectation. That would explain my greater sex drive of late. I hope that’s what it is, and not some greater resurgence of depression.

Well, either way, I need to get out of this funk. I need to clean the house, eat well, self-nurture, exercise, meditate, go to sleep early, and get up ready to face my work challenges instead of running away from them.

I can do it! Let’s go!!!