It was also very difficult.
I don’t think I realized how much shame was centered around this idea of losing weight.
I think that a great deal of self-thought and self-expression has to be done here, (and sadly, you all have to be the recipients of it- sorry), to figure out what exactly is going on and how I can best combat this problem.
I was a very skinny child, up to a very skinny teenager and a skinny bride. I have a horrendous sweet tooth, and since it never had repercussions as a child, I developed some horrible eating habits. When I got married, we had all kinds of fertility treatments, which I believe started the weight gain. Or the underlying problems started it- or both. Exacerbated by the stress and the horrible eating habits, compounded by aging, I went from skinny to overweight. For a long time, I didn’t realize how much weight I had gained. I had been skinny for so long, and gained so much weight, that pictures of me started to surprise me.
I’ve been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is highly associated with obesity. (It’s also associated with diabetes, but I am relieved to say that while I have far to go, I am well underway in controlling my sugar intake, and my triglycerides were in normal range in my last checkup.) I had been taking hormones to keep the symptoms of PCOS in check, but since my mother is a breast cancer survivor, and they seemed to be exacerbating my depression/anxiety issues, I stopped a little over year ago.
Since then, I’ve gained another 15 pounds. I’ve also had one of the happiest years of my life, so I don’t intend to go back on the hormones.
Of course, the ultimate responsibility for my weight gain rests on my shoulders. I know that. I have to develop healthier eating habits and exercise more rigorously and more frequently.
So here I am. Finally looking at the truth and confronting this head on. I guess it’s a start, right?