live my life by answering this question every day: "what would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

I wish I could find a way to sustain myself and my family in a self-employed capacity. Unfortunately, due to the crappy state of health insurance and child care in our country, I don’t think I can accomplish this.

(Well, that, and money. And time. And inertia.)

I had a conversation with a man that I didn’t know very well yesterday, and I realized that if I had the money, time, and courage, I would like to learn to fly. It was so scary to really think of this as a possibility. The fear is not about flying per se, or heights, or being hurt or killed. The fear is about competency: I don’t think that I would be able to do a good job flying a plane. I don’t think that I would be able to master it.

When you think of it, that’s really sad. I don’t trust my own competency.

That’s the title of a book on CD that I’m listening to during my commute. It’s about women and their need to negotiate in their professional and personal lives, something that they rarely do.

So far, (I have a short commute, so I haven’t listened to much yet), the authors say that you need to assume that everything is open for negotiation, and that you have to ask for what you want at work and home. They share stories of situations where people could have had things (raises, promotions, better working conditions, more help with the housework, etc.) they wanted, but they didn’t ask, because they didn’t assume they could get it. Then they found out they could have had it all along.

As I hear these stories, I notice that I keep thinking “Oh, but my situation is different.” or “Oh, but I could never…” and I wonder how much of that is resistance. I’ll have to work through that.

Today I spoke to E about my desires to freelance when the baby comes.

I told her that I didn’t really think it could work financially with Frog’s salary, but I was looking into my options and examining all the possibilities.

I realize now that just having that conversation with her was a step in the right direction. A small step, but a step nonetheless.

Some quotes for inspiration:

“You can not build a reputation on what you plan to do.”
-Henry Ford (yes, he was an antisemitic ass, but still a good quote from him)

“First say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do.”
-Epictetus

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.”
-some dude I am too lazy to Google right now

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
-Aristotle

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway; You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

“If a voice inside you says ‘You cannot paint’, by all means start to paint, and the voice will go away.”
-Picasso

“It is time to declare my own intentions, and stick to my own convictions.”
-a really smart woman who wrote me a letter

I am usually not a quotey-type gal, but these really resonate with what I am trying to do and how I am trying to live. Especially the last one, which I wish to embrace and adopt as my own actions.

I just realized that I know what the answer to this question is.

It’s a biggie. (So big, that I just have to use the word “shit”, because my usual euphemisms just won’t express the dismay and fear I feel upon this realization.)

You would think that the realization would be a good thing. That I’d be happy to know what my real desires for vocation and avocation are, but I’m not. I’m terrified. As long as I wasn’t sure what I would do if I couldn’t fail, I didn’t have to act upon it. But now I know. And that means that I have to work up the ocurage to do it.

Of course, first I’ll need to work up the courage to even write down what it is.

;)

I saw this question for the first time a few years ago on a billboard overlooking the highway. I want to keep it in mind all the time now.

The idea of expanding my horizons and pushing my boundaries is scary, but worthwhile.